Today is Monday--Memorial Day. I haven't been blogging for a few days because I just needed to think. There are many things happening outwardly--but they're fairly similar to every other day. But inside I'm changing, and I'm not sure exactly why or how.

I went to my last official counseling appointment last Thursday. I told my counselor how well I'm doing. I'm eating. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling some peace. I've laid to rest many of the things that were causing me pain. My sexual relationship with my husband is, in my inexpert opinion, normal--no more control issues, just normal. My life, in general, is not being filled with projects and jobs to help me forget things, because I've chosen to remember--and to deal with that which hurts me. I'm no longer afraid of my beautiful son--in fact, we have developed an even closer relationship. I'm less overprotective. I take risks...in short, my life is much different from before--and it's better.

Counseling Day: Final

My final session occurred yesterday (Thursday). We discussed many of the issues I've FINALLY worked through, since they happened a million years ago. We discussed all the nastiness that cropped up in the duration of working through those issues.
Her analysis: Under stress, I reverted to what I knew--things that had worked in the past. It was a natural tendency and we're both glad those things didn't last.
My analysis: I never did work through that "nastiness" in the first place--I just put it on hold. When my mental state became weakened enough that I could no longer stop myself from partaking of those negative coping tools, I used them once again. Fortunately, I have now provided for myself, positive coping tools which I can substitute for the negative ones when the need arises.Who knows which of our analyses is right? Who cares? The bottom line is that I'm better.
Questions from my counselor: What now? Who do I want to become? What will I do with my "new life"? What will I explore next?
Responses: I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I think I'd just like to sit back and see what happens next. I have no desire to go exploring. But "Who do I want to become"???? Honestly, I've made some changes, but I'm still me. I've always had a very STRONG sense of who I am, and I only lose that sense when I'm overwhelmed, out of control, or very emotional. I'm none of those things anymore. So I don't want to "become" anyone. I am me, I won't change that for anyone. I'm very aware that the strength of my personality is often overwhelming to others. I'm very aware that many find my straightforward manner, and tendency to say whatever is on my mind, offensive. I'm very aware that friendship with me can be exhausting, to say the least. But there's never any guesswork or games. And I've come to accept that being true to myself is much more important than surrounding myself with people who really don't care about who I am inside, as long as I entertain them on the outside. So I'm not interested in "becoming" someone new, but I'd like to continue to find out more about the person I have always been.
Observations from my counselor: I have worked through an amazing number of issues in a very short time. Most patients take longer, have a few more relapses--am I sure I'm not just going for the "quick fix"?
My response: I didn't even begin to work on the issues on my life until I felt strong enough to face what made me afraid. The Lord placed key people in my life to help me along. I have always been very motivated to come to terms with that which causes me pain. I don't do "quick fixes".
Questions: Do I wish to discontinue counseling? Will I continue healthy eating habits? Will I continue healthy coping habits? Will I call a counselor again if I feel I need more help?
Answers: Yes--no more counseling. Yes--I will eat every day. Yes--I have the tools to cope healthily with issues in my life and I will use them. I'm not above asking for help anymore--if I need help, I know where to find it.
Next topic: Let's talk about your young friend. What have you done to "normalize" the relationship? What are your feelings about the friendship, currently? Do you have any questions that I can help with, in connection with this?
Responses: Actually, I haven't done anything. I think HE'S done quite a bit, though. Any need for me in his life is now eliminated. Perhaps I exist as a nonentity adult in a very peripheral way. I have no idea, truthfully, what he feels about my involvement in his life over the past few months, because I can no longer read him. Either he's adapted to the point where he's become adept at hiding his feelings from me, or I have become so self-absorbed that I can't get past myself enough to see what used to be so apparent that it haunted me.
Observation: You seem almost too matter-of-fact about this. A normal response would be to feel some sort of sadness or loss. This is an area of your life where you aren't allowing yourself to feel what's going on inside of you.
Answer: If that's so (and I don't necessarily think it is), then I give myself permission to "not feel". I don't think it can be a good feeling to love someone as much as I love him, but to know that love really won't ever help him in any way. I see no point in analyzing the subject. He and I are both aware that, while I may have served a small purpose in his life temporarily, his life will continue to progress, and my future role in his life really is of no consequence. I can never deny that he has been a Godsend in my life. I think, in some ways, he taught me to live again. But, you tell me what YOU think should happen next, because I have no answers.
Observation: I am concerned that you still think you can pick and choose the areas of your life in which you will allow yourself to feel.
Answer: It's MY life. They're MY feelings. I refuse to feel negative emotions about a part of my life, or person in my life, that/who has brought me so much joy.
Question: Do you understand that you basically just erased yourself out of your friend's life--someone who has really had quite a bit of importance to you over the last few months--and you don't show one sign of sadness or regret?
Answer: I disagree. I haven't removed myself from his life. I see him all the time. In fact, probably more than he would like. I'm just trying hard to not interfere, to not make him feel that I'm always watching him, to allow him to make mistakes or succeed independently. And why should I feel sadness or regret for allowing him to be who he is, without my passing judgment on him or his actions?
Observation: You say you love him, that he's your friend, but I'm not sure those things were ever really true for you. People who TRULY love, don't shut down or self-protect when they feel the relationship waning--and it really sounds like that's what you're doing here.
Response: Really? To me, it sounds like I love him more than a normal person would, because I care so much about what will help him grow--more than I care about what will help ME feel best. Am I self-protecting? Maybe, in this case, that's alright, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if my friend does the same. We've discussed some issues that are fairly personal. We've laughed and cried together. I have felt a closeness to him, and I believe he's felt the same. What do you expect us to do? Sometimes we self-protect because it helps us move on to the next logical step without hurting ourselves or each other.
Question: So you think it's possible that "normalizing" this friendship might be a little painful?Answer: I think I'm doing everything I can to not intrude in my friend's life, while trying to let him know he's still holds a place in my heart. I've never been terrifically interested in all this "normalizing" crap you keep talking about. Tell me about all the "normal" friendships you've encountered between a 39-year-old woman and a 17-year-old young man! I know you can't, because you haven't encountered any--there's nothing "normal" about this. It's extraordinary, rare, and amazing, because there is no one in the world like my friend--or like me! All I ever wanted to do was help someone I loved who was hurting. That's it--end of story. Feel free to "normalize" that because I'm finished trying. Right now, I'd just like my friend and I to move on without hurt feelings of any kind.
Observation: I think, given the intensity and closeness you described earlier, that's probably not possible.
Response: Well, I'm going to try anyway, and since I'm the most stubborn individual ever born, please don't try to talk me out of it.
Question: What's your plan for doing this?
Answer: I don't have one.
Response: Well, best of luck...

Wednesday

The wind woke me before 5:00 this morning. This is not going to be a fun day for a run. I debated doing a treadmill run while I read blogs and answered email. I continued to consider this while I did my morning devotional, then finally, just went outside. The first couple of miles were wonderful--the wind wasn't cold and it was at my back. But when I turned into the wind, my asthma kicked in, and I hadn't brought my inhaler. I ran one more mile, then was forced to walk, carefully controlling my breathing in order to avoid an attack. It was frustrating. I got home barely in time to take the kids to school without them being late.

I spent some time studying and working till 1:30. Then I did something I've been putting off for about 3 weeks--I went shopping for a new swimsuit. My old one no longer fits. I despise shopping for swimwear. I hate stripping in the dressing rooms--it's required to keep underwear on, which I understand and appreciate, but it doesn't help with the fit/look of the suit. I had suggested to DJ this morning that maybe I should just go with a guy's pair of trunks (they NEVER try on). He thought I might be able to pull that off, but said he'd be a little embarassed if I went topless. Then he laughed and wished me luck. I found a couple of suits that I KIND OF liked, lots that I really HATED, but nothing I really wanted. I decided that since I have to go out of town tomorrow, I'll look while I'm there before making a final decision. I saw a mom who sends her kids to the same school I do. She wanted to talk, so I didn't get home till around 3:00.

I decided to go for a walk. The wind had died down and the day was beautiful. I walked about 3 miles, then came home. The kids wanted pizza for dinner. I went to the grocery store and picked up stuff for salad, and some fresh cherries. Then picked up some pizzas. We ate dinner, then DJ, Adam, and I left for our youth activities. I met with the young women. We were having a planning meeting for future activities.

Tuesday

My stomach woke me at 4:30. I must have eaten too much last night. I lay in bed, wondering what the outcome of this would be. Finally, I got up, checked e-mail and read blogs. I was feeling too ill to write in my own. I went back to bed and hoped my stomach would settle down. It didn't. When it was time for the kids to go to school, I drove them there, then went home and back to bed.

Darrin woke me when he came home for lunch. I told him I was feeling pretty awful. He kissed me and told me to get some rest. I fell asleep and woke again at 12:30 feeling better. I got up and decided I felt good enough to do some resistance training before my shower. I couldn't lift as much as I had a couple of days earlier, but thought it was because I wasn't feeling great. I lifted for about 30 minutes, then showered and dressed.

I worked till 3:30, then met my student for her piano lesson. Following her lesson, DJ and I went to the store to get some french bread for supper. I ate a little--still felt okay. Darrin and I went to our Tuesday religion class. It was fine, but I was a little tired and couldn't really enjoy it. At 8:00 I picked up Tabitha and two other girls from their church activity, and took them home. I put the kids to bed for reading time, then left to take a walk. It was a really beautiful night--cool, but little wind.

I got home around 9:30, made sure the kids were sleeping, and waited for Darrin to get home from his meetings. He arrived around 10:00. We went to bed. Darrin pulled me close and fell asleep. I joined him a few minutes later.

Monday

Okay, I have to say it--I THINK I'M BETTER!!!! I just feel optimistic about life in general. The days have been beautiful, and I've been loving my morning runs. I'm coping with life in positive ways. Oh yes, and I'm eating--and liking it!

I got up, read blogs, did my devotional, and went for a long, wonderful run. I took the kids to school, went home, showered, and went to work. At 1:00, I went to the school and met with our new library volunteer. We did training till 2:30. I left then, and went to the store to get some stuff for dinner and other necessities, and arrived home at 3:30.

Annie was supposed to come play today, but Tabitha had a project to finish up. Annie called me at 3:30 to see if Tabitha was home. I told her I'd make sure Tabitha called when she arrived. When she got home, I could see that it was going to take longer than the hour Tabitha had planned to get the project finished. I had Tabitha call Annie to talk to her about it. They were discussing things for a while, then Tabitha said that Annie's older sister needed to talk to me (she's in charge while the parents are gone). She said that they were going to the library, then the store, so maybe I could pick up Annie when they got home. I said that would be fine, then asked if she wanted to bring the kids and come to dinner tonight. She thanked me, but said they were just going to microwave some dinners and eat at home. I said maybe we could have them come another night. We hung up--two minutes later she called back. She said when David found out she'd turned down my cooking for a microwave dinner, he was extremely disappointed--and was it too late to say yes? We laughed, and made arrangements for them to come at 5:30.

I ran to the store to pick up a little more food (we now had double the number of people to feed and 4 of them were teen-aged boys). On the way there we stopped at Annie's house to see if she wanted to come. I saw David wandering into the backyard. Feeling a little vengeful, I walked quietly behind him--and succeeded in scaring the life out of him. Turnabout is fair play! No Annie, though. She was still at the store. We went on to the store, got what we needed, then stopped once again to pick up Annie. Scott and Gary came with us. The other two followed in their car.

I put the kids to work immediately. They chopped tomatoes and artichoke hearts, and pressed the garlic for the pasta sauce. They cut up fresh pineapple. They helped wash and cut asparagus. We had dinner ready in 20 minutes. It was really fun to have them all with us. They ate a respectible amount of food, then finished off two cartons of ice cream. Then we sat around the table just talking and laughing. Scott tried, unsuccessfully, to teach us to whistle through cupped hands. They all had some weird trick they could do with their tongues or their eyelids. I just laughed. I sent them all home, except for Annie, at 7:30. Annie was told she could stay another hour.

After they left, I remembered that Adam had left his CD player in their suburban when we were sitting in it on Saturday. I called Julie and asked to talk to David. I mentioned that when I dropped off Annie, I'd like to pick up the CD player--and if he wanted to, I'd stay a few minutes and we could talk briefly. He said he'd like that.

I took Annie home a little before 8:30. David and his older sister were outside. We chatted for about ten minutes, then the girls went inside. David and I talked till around 10:00 (so much for being brief), and he did most of the talking.

As I drove home a huge storm broke--tons of wind and rain. Darrin was waiting for me when I got home, wondering why I was gone so long--I forgot to tell him I was going to stay. We went to bed, talked about our very fun night, cuddled, kissed, and slept.

Sunday

I woke up thinking again. I'm still feeing insecure about telling Janie about my SSA. Darrin's concerned that this was a foolhardy move on my part. I've been very careful not to tell people anything personal about myself for a very long time--and this is certainly a personal item which very few people will understand. I think I agree with him, while at the same time, hoping the subject will be well received. In the meantime, the silence is deafening.

I slowly got ready for my day. I relaxed and read. I did some stretches and went for a walk. I came home and got ready for church. The service was really wonderful. I felt peaceful, calm. In between meetings I saw Janie and asked her if her family would like to join us at Six Flags next weekend. She said she thought that would be really fun. She has to leave for another business trip with her husband tomorrow morning, so I said I'd order tickets and get things planned, if she'd let me know how many of her kids wanted to go.

After church I was playing with my 18-month-old nephew in the foyer. I was carrying him, and he wanted to walk, so I set him down. He promptly fell on his behind, and started giggling. My brother (the dad) and I were laughing, as his son tried to regain his balance and fell again. We were absorbed, watching him. I felt someone grab my shoulders and jumped horribly. Because of my past, scaring/surprising me in a physical way usually spawns a rather violent response. I get unreasonably frightened. People who know this about me are usually very careful about how they approach me. I turned, feeling upset. It was David. I was still upset. I hope, someday, I can get over this unhappy side-effect of the abuse. My brother wanted to talk with David, so I gathered Tabitha and Adam (DJ was going home with a friend), and we went home.

Darrin and I made lunch and we had a really nice meal, chatted together, then cleaned up and played games. DJ and I had a special youth meeting that night, so we left again around 6:30. I sat in the back with the other leaders. One of the young ladies posed a question during the meeting that was really funny. We all got the giggles, so we left the room. We went to the kitchen and started serving up refreshments, glad that our disruption happened at the end of the meeting, so we had a good excuse for leaving. We really have great youth leaders--and pretty terrific young people, as well. I let DJ stay and visit with friends for about 30 minutes after the meeting, then we went home.

We put the kids to bed at 8:30. Darrin and I talked for about an hour, then went to bed, as well.

Saturday

The sun came up this morning, effectively ending my sleep. I've never been able to sleep past dawn. Sometimes I wish I had Darrin's ability to sleep anywhere, anytime, but I have a sensitivity to light--if it's dark it's time to sleep, if not, I should be up--awake--doing something. I got up and did my morning routine. After my run, I went home and got ready to go to the piano exams.

I woke Tabitha and Adam at 6:45, giving them plenty of time to get up, eat, and dress up for their exams. They didn't move out of bed till 7:15. I told them we had to leave in 30 minutes, but I don't think they believed me. I woke Darrin and said I might have to leave the kids, and he could bring them later (they don't have to be there until half an hour after I do--since I'm in charge, I have to go early and make sure everything is set up for the judge). He became motivated to "crack the whip" behind them, which allowed me to finish getting ready. We all left on time.

The piano exams ran from 8:30 till 10:45. Tabitha and Adam went first and did very poorly. I think they were very nervous, and not as prepared as they should have been. I've been giving them specific things to work on for the past three months. They've been ignoring me. So I decided to let the conseqences kick in today. Adam came to talk to me after his exam--very humble. He suggested that next year he actually ought to DO the assignments I gave him. I told him that was probably a good idea--especially since the exams are a little expensive. Tabitha thought she probably ought to join Adam in his commitment to do better. I was glad I hadn't gotten pushy or upset at them when they didn't practice like they should--this was a better way to resolve the issue. Expensive, but better. My other students sailed easily through their tests. I was really proud of them.

I got home around 11:00. Tabitha and Adam were ready to join me at Scott's Eagle project. DJ has a birthday party at 1:00, so he won't be joining us. Darrin, of course, was working on the car--still. We grabbed some lunch at Wendy's, then went up to a nearby National Forest to join the crew working on the project. They started at 9:00. Scott's project is to build an amphitheatre and groom the trails leading to it. There was a large group of people helping. We joined the trail-grooming crew. A forest ranger was there to tell Scott all he needed to do. He was in charge--and not particularly comfortable in that role, but he did a great job. Tabitha found Annie immediately, and helped her with the job she was doing. David and his dad were working on sanding and staining the benches.

Janie came to find me. She told me she had gotten my e-mail, thanked me, and gave me a hug. I suddenly felt weird. She knows about me. That should make me feel relieved. It doesn't. Maybe I've lived with my secrets for too long. I hugged her back and immediately changed the subject as I tried to look really busy working at my assigned task. Janie chatted for a few minutes, then moved away to do her own assigned job. My mood felt dark, unsettled. I smiled at all the people, and said pleasant things, and felt like crying.

A thunderstorm began, so we all went to our cars. After the rain, I continued to help grooming trails. Scott asked me to help stain the benches after the wood dried. By the time the wood dried, everyone had gone home except for Scott's family and mine. Scott said we didn't have to stay either--it was 3:30. I told him we'd stick around until he was finished. I spent the last hour staining benches.

At 4:30 we had finished. The project is amazing. Everyone worked so hard and did a great job. I helped clean up, and Tabitha, Adam and I walked back to our car. I was really tired--physically and emotionally.

We all showered and checked for ticks--none, thank goodness. Then I picked up DJ from his birthday party. I threw some frozen pizzas in the oven and we ate. Darrin's aunt called to talk. She's such a good friend. The phone call cheered me up considerably.

The kids wanted to watch a movie--I didn't. I went for a short walk while they watched it. I got home around 9:30, and put everyone to bed. Darrin got home an hour later--the car is pretty much fixed. He still needs to adjust the clutch slightly, but I'm glad this won't be taking up all his spare time anymore. We talked for about an hour. Darrin doesn't want to go on the trip we'd planned for next weekend. At this point, I don't either. We talked about going to Six Flags instead, and spending the weekend at home. He wants to invite David's family to join us. So tomorrow, I'll talk to Janie and see if they're interested in joining us. On a more practical note, if they do, we'll qualify for a group rate. :)

Darrin and I went to bed around midnight and to sleep almost immediately. This has been a long day.

Friday

I love Fridays. I woke up to another beautiful day. It's supposed to hit 78 degrees today, and we're supposed to have another downpour this afternoon. DJ needed me to take him to school today, so I postponed my run till after everyone was off to school and work. I had to hurry because I had an appointment at the school at 10:00. I ran my usual route, but stayed on the ridge rather than cutting down to the streets and sidewalks. It cuts about half a mile off my run, but that was alright today.

I met my carpool neighbor and we went to the school library. We spent 2 hours working on a list of books to order for the library. We have a lot of money that needs to be spent before the end of June, so our library will really benefit from it. At noon I went home with the list started, but not nearly finished. We'll have to go back next week.

I spent some time studying, hit work for a couple of hours, then met a student at home for a lesson. Tomorrow we have piano exams for the Royal American Conservatory. It's a certification program. Tabitha and Adam are taking the exams, and they aren't nearly as ready as I'd like them to be. We all burned out too soon this year.

Tabitha came home from school with a year's worth of things she wants to cram into tonight. Among the list are: inviting Annie to dinner and a movie night, meeting a friend to work on a school project, practicing for her exam, and making posters for the school project. I told her she couldn't do everything tonight. She pouted and was difficult. I ignored her. She called Annie's house about 20 times--no answer. She tried to get in touch with the project friend, but the number in the phone book was disconnected. She made posters.

I left to get away from the temper that was brewing. I took DJ to an Amnesty International Battle of the Bands concert, then I spent about an hour shopping and driving, figuring Tabitha would cool off in that time. Then I went home and made dinner with Darrin. I love to cook with him--I love to do pretty much anything with him! Sometimes I think that because I'm not attracted to other men, I stay more in love with Darrin than is normal. But sometimes I wish I WAS attracted to other men, just so I'd FEEl normal. What is normal anyway? It was pouring rain on the way home from my drive/shopping, and then we had a beautiful rainbow for nearly 30 minutes.

We ate dinner around 7:30 (late, for us)--then I remembered I'd offered to bring the kids and help Scott with his Eagle project tomorrow. I have no idea where it is. Tabitha had been calling their house all night, so I was a little hesitant to call again, but did so anyway. Annie answered. I asked for Scott. He gave me some very confusing directions and handed the phone back to Annie. I let Tabitha talk to Annie, then asked to talk to Scott again. But David had the phone. He said I needed to talk to him because he was the responsible one, not Scott. That's debatable. We talked for a little while, he clarified the directions, then said Annie and Tabitha wanted to get together tonight. I asked him if his parents were getting home from their business trip tonight. He said yes, in about an hour, and L was bringing the new baby to meet his grandparents. I nixed the get-together. I told him to tell Annie that I think she needs to spend some family time tonight, and we'll see her another time. .

Tabitha and Adam went to bed around 9:00. An hour later DJ called for a ride home. Darrin and I went to get him. He went to bed, and Darrin and I did the same. I fell asleep before Darrin joined me, woke up for a kiss, and immediately fell asleep again.

Thursday

Today I woke up feeling that everything in my life has gone back to normal--GOOD normal, not stressful normal. No more anxiety, no more desire to have absolute control, no more issues with food, no fear over silly things. I went through my morning routine, wondering if the feelings of normalcy would stay. They did. I read e-mail and blogs. I took the kids to school. I ran. I studied. I worked. No change in the feeling of peace--I'm loving it.

I went to a special luncheon catered for the volunteers for the school. I haven't been volunteering as much in the past few months--I used to be a daily sight, and before that, I was a teacher. At the luncheon I saw many of the people I was working with before. They said they missed me. A few commented on my weight-loss. They seem to think it's a wonderful thing. They have no idea what they're talking about, but I just smiled and thanked them for their interest.

I went for a walk when I got home. I love the beautiful days we've been having. I walked for about an hour and got home shortly after my kids. Tabitha and I went to the grocery store and I let her choose our dinner--cod fish (she wants me to bake it with lemon/dill sauce), tomatoes (multicolored--we'll mix them with fresh basil and balsamic vinegar), asparagus, and whole wheat french bread. She has good taste. She bought me a dozen long-stemmed roses with the money that's burning a hole in her pocket. They were five dollars a dozen today.

We went home and made dinner. Darrin wasn't home--still working on that stupid car. He got home shortly after we finished eating. Adam wanted to watch a movie. I told him that, regardless of whether or not it was finished, he HAD to go to bed at 8:00. He was up way too late visiting last night. He agreed.

We put the kids to bed at 8:00, let them read till 8:30, then tucked them in. Darrin and I relaxed until 9:30, then I told him I wanted to go to bed. He raised his eyebrows at me, making me laugh. I told him I was TIRED. He gave me a very skeptical look. I got ready for bed. Darrin joined me a little later. I am SO hopeful that things can continue the way they have been. I am enjoying the peace of mind. I feel so much better. I think, I hope, I am better.

Wednesday

I awoke to a GLORIOUS day. I'm feeling so good lately. I've been eating at least two meals daily, and often, three. My hairloss has subsided and is growing back, and my skin is looking more healthy. I think I might be on the downhill slope of my eating disorder. It makes me happy.

I got up, checked blogs and e-mail, then went upstairs to help the kids get ready for school. I put off my run till 7:00--but could hardly wait to get outside. The temperature was perfect, there was no wind. I was able to run about 5 miles easily. I got home and took the kids to school, then came home and showered and studied for my exam. I should be ready to take it next week, but may wait until the first week of June. I have lots going on during the last few weeks of May.

I went to work for a few hours, then decided to take a walk. I had gone about a mile when a freak rain/hailstorm burst. I was soaked. I walked in the rain for about an hour, then went home.

The kids were home when I got there, and Darrin came home shortly after that. Darrin and I went to the store to pick up some necessities, then we went home and ate dinner. Darrin has meetings, and the boys and I have activities tonight. We left at 7:00, leaving Tabitha on her own for about an hour. After the activity, some of the kids hooked me into playing a game of "knockout" on the basketball court. They're so funny. The kids ranged in age from 12-15 years, and were mostly boys. It was fun--but I stayed too long.

I took my boys home at 9:00, and we put everyone to bed. About 15 minutes later the doorbell rang. It was David. DJ had left some papers in his car, and David was concerned they might be school related. Darrin invited David in--Scott was in the car, so I waved him in, as well. We visited for about an hour, then I sent my kids back to bed, and David and Scott home. It's a school night, after all.

Darrin and I made it to bed before 11:00--barely.

Tuesday

I decided when I woke up today, that after my 8-mile walk yesterday, I should have a day of rest. Actually, I was feeling really lazy and unmotivated, so even without the walk, I probably wouldn't have run today. I slowly got ready for the day, checked e-mail/blogs, and took Darrin to work (still no extra car--still working on it). I drove the kids to school and went grocery shopping.

I came home and did some studying for my exam, then went to work. Work is boring right now. I cleaned the office and went home. DJ had come home for lunch and made lunch for the two of us. We sat and talked for about 15 minutes, then he left for school. I was supposed to go work in the library, but my trainee called and canceled our appointment, so I stayed home and did laundry and other chores.

At 2:00 I couldn't stand it any longer. The day was gorgeous and I needed go be IN it. I went for a long walk (only 4 miles this time), and got home in time to meet the kids as they came home from school. DJ and I went to pick up Darrin from work, then went to Walmart to make some new keys for the front door (mine broke off in the lock a few days ago), and let DJ shop for some unknown item. We bought sandwiches from Subway for dinner, took them home and ate quickly. Darrin and I had a class at 6:30 (religion) and had to leave right away. The class was really worthwhile. It's an overview of a 12-step addictions program based on the atonement of Christ. Larry, who facilitates a local 12-step program, is teaching it. I love Larry.

We got home around 8:30. I got the kids into bed by 9:00, then Darrin and I relaxed for awhile before bed. I found myself feeling sleepy by 9:30--so I went to bed. Darrin joined me later. We snuggled, I kissed him and fell asleep once again.

Monday

5:15 seemed early this morning--and I'm an early riser!! I just couldn't seem to get moving. I did my morning routine, added to my blog, commented (of course) on the Cleaver blog, and hit the shower. No run this morning. I'm not sure why I decided that.

I studied for my exam for about two hours, then went to work. My mom caught me and asked me to drive her to her office. She's excited because her driver's license has been reinstated. After today she can drive again. I took her and went back to work.

At 1:00 I went to the school and did some more library training with the new volunteer. The school is advertising (finally) for a full-time librarian for next year. I'm so glad. I'm going to help with ordering and year-end inventory, and then I won't be back.

David's oldest sister, L, had a baby this morning. David is an uncle, Annie is an aunt. I had the honor of being the baby's first visitor. He's beautiful--he has tons of long, light brown hair, and will have blue eyes. I got to hold him for almost 30 minutes before his uncles and aunts came to see him. I hugged L, congratulated her, and told the aunts and uncles how gorgeous the new nephew was. I hugged Annie and whispered, "You're an AUNT!! How exciting!!" She giggled, and I stepped out of the room.

Okay, time for ancient history. I was told when I was quite young that I'd probably not be able to get pregnant. Because of the trauma my reproductive system sustained during because of my abuse, my periods were sporadic (three to four times annually), and it seemed that I was not ovulating at all. So I never planned to have children. Given my SSA complications and past abuse, it really was not a problem to me. I have NEVER been a real "baby" person. When I found out I was pregnant with DJ, I was so surprised. I didn't know what to feel. I was totally unprepared. We had been married four years--now we were pregnant with a baby we hadn't counted on. I went through much emotional stress as I tried to prepare to be a mom. DJ was a very complicated, premature, posterior birth. The doctor was drunk. The birth was so traumatic that I was unable to walk for two days following delivery. DJ had to stay in the hospital for a week to recover from his birth and from jaundice. He was a high forceps delivery and I had so many stitches I couldn't sit for more than a week. Needless to say, bonding with my baby was very difficult. We were both in terrible shape for nearly a month. Following his birth, I started to grow tumors in my bladder. They were always composed of different materials--lymph glands, membranal tissue, skin...and they were always benign, they were always painful. But nothing seemed to stop them from growing. After the fourth one was removed we started aggressive chemo-therapy to see if they could be stopped. It was miserable. For three years I underwent various therapies. Finally, I said I wanted to stop. I changed my diet drastically, and prayed. Miraculously, I have had no tumors since. Six weeks after my last chemo treatment, I found out I was pregnant again. I was petrified. I didn't ever want to have another baby. I never wanted to go through the pain I had experienced with DJ. I was already afraid of doctors, pelvic exams, all that stuff, because of my past abuse, and I didn't want another baby. I went to a clinic suggested by my older (nurse) sister, and found a young woman doctor who listened to my fears and promised to help me through this. I never show when I'm pregnant--which is weird because I'm small, but so are my babies. I don't wear maternity clothes, maybe because my babies have all been born before 36 weeks. I went into premature labor with Adam in October. He was due February 14th. He was born January 9th. The doctor was true to her word. She made sure I had a very good epidural (I had NOTHING when DJ was born), and cranked it up so high I swear, I couldn't even feel my eybrows. The birth was quick, easy, painless, and Adam was beautiful. It was a wonderful experience. I guess because it took so long for us to get pregnant with the boys, we probably weren't being as careful as a normal couple would be, because six months later, I was pregnant with Tabitha. I was in pre-term labor with her by week 12. She was born 6 1/2 weeks early, just under 5 pounds. She had legs the size of my index finger, and NO buttocks. Her legs just went up to a tiny crack--she had no body fat. But she was healthy, and developed normally.

Why the walk down memory lane? Well, all my babies were surprises--good ones! But I have never TRIED to get pregnant, never WANTED to have a baby. As I held that beautiful baby today, for the first time in my life, I felt the desire to have a baby. I know I shouldn't. I know the risks, especially with my past pregnancies, and my age. I'm not planning to act on the compulsion. I just thought it was so weird that I would feel that as I held him. He was so perfect, so sweet. I walked out of the hospital, got into my car, and wept. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS?????

I picked up Tabitha and Adam from school, dropped them at home, and went to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. I made sloppy joe's, asparagus, and grapes for dinner. DJ was at the library, Darrin was fixing the car, so Tabitha, Adam, and I ate alone. Tabitha and I usually split a sloppy joe. Tonight she asked for a whole one, adding, "I must be growing. I think I eat more than you do, Mom." Again, I felt tears coming. I felt wretched. My 55 pound, 11-year-old daughter eats more than I do, and she knows it. Carefully, I controlled myself, and forced down my dinner. DJ arrived home and ate.

I asked Tabitha if she wanted to take a walk with me. She eagerly said yes. We decided we would walk to Walmart to buy Dove Chocolate. I know this is a long walk, but I had no idea how far it really was. It took us 90 minutes to get to the store. We bought the chocolate and walked home. We got home at 9:00--way past Tabitha's bedtime. This walk was a bad decision. Obviously I'm not thinking straight. After the kids went to bed, I got into the car and measured the distance we had walked--8 miles exactly.

I drove home. Darrin wanted to talk. Things aren't going well at work. He's concerned he might need to start looking for another job. He's only been at this job since March. I'm worried. We went to bed. Darrin was so tired. He fell asleep and left me thinking. Life just seems way too complicated right now. I fell asleep with that thought on my mind.

Sunday

I slept till 6:30, but lay in bed, relaxing, until 7:00. I did my morning devotional, then got up to read e-mail, blog, etc. It's Mother's Day. My dad called to talk to Darrin at 7:30, and asked why I was up so early on Mother's Day. I reminded him that I never was one to sleep in, then woke Darrin to talk to him.

The kids came slowly to life, one at a time. Tabitha came to me with a home-made card (very cute) and a package of black licorice. I happen to like black licorice--but not this particular kind. It actually makes me shudder. I laughed and told her how much I liked her gift (am I going to Hell for lying?), and gave her a hug. She went back upstairs, smiling to make me some breakfast. She wanted to make oatmeal. I'm back in my old "I hate food today" feeling, so I suggested she make one serving and we could split it. She's not a terribly big eater. I divided the serving, giving her about 2/3 of it, then ate the remainder. She was pretty happy that she'd made us breakfast.

Adam came downstairs. He'd made me a CD of his favorite songs and a computer card. I thanked him and said I'd be sure to listen to it later, but it was time to get ready for church. We all got ready to go. Just before we left DJ gave me his gift--a CD of the All American Rejects. All gifts from the heart, that's for sure. It's interesting to me that Adam and DJ perceive me as someone who appreciates their music. I don't listen to it for fun, but I do screen it for them, because we try to avoid explicit lyrics and language. If I was suspicious, I'd say they were getting me gifts they could borrow later, except that they bought me copies of stuff they already own. They're funny.

We left for church. I hate Mother's Day programs. I think I'm an alright mom, but I'm not the Mother of the Year. I don't do all those things other moms do. I just love my kids and try to help them succeed in life. All the crap about self-sacrificing moms just bugs me--and the truth is, I don't even WANT to be a mom like that. I just want to be real, who I am, whatever that means.

I had to teach the young women today. It was good to meet with them and talk about God. Today, especially, it was soothing to my soul. They told me they love me, and today, it doesn't even matter whether or not it's true. I needed to hear that.

When we got home, Darrin was there and had fixed dinner for us (his ward meets 2 hours prior to ours). We ate together. I refused to analyze whether or not I wanted the food, I just ate it. Then we cleaned up and went to my parents' house to visit and give my mom her gifts/cards. We stayed until 7:30.

When we got home, the kids got showered and ready for bed. I spent some time cleaning out my closet. It seems pointless to keep saving clothes that are too big. I filled two large trash bags with clothes I can no longer wear. I thought how so many women would love such a chore. For me, it just reminds me that I got to where I am because of pain and control issues. It just makes me sad. I wonder if life will ever be "normal" again. Part of me hopes that David will do what he said and "call it quits" with us, because I'm tired, and I think I really need a break from him. Part of me is glad I took the steps I did to work through the misery of past abuse. Part of me celebrates the new feelings I allow myself to feel. Part of me wishes the walls could still go up and protect my heart. Once again, I don't know how to feel. Will that ever change?

I stripped off my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. My body has become a symbol of everything I've gone through since December. I can see my running muscles more starkly than before. My ribs, hip bones, collar bones are all visible. They used to be soft, curvy. Not anymore. I look insignificant. I FEEL insignificant. I hurry to my clothes and put them back on. They make me look bigger.

Darrin and I tucked in the kids, and I messed around on the computer. I re-committed myself to eating tomorrow, no matter what. Then I got ready for bed. Darrin joined me. I hadn't said anything, but I think he knew I was feeling a little miserable. He kissed me, and just held me. I wanted to cry--there's so MUCH inside me trying to get out. But no tears would come. I just stayed there in his arms, and felt sad. Sometimes, Darrin communicates love to me in many ways, and tonight I had no doubt that he REALLY does love me.

Saturday

Today is the day of the 5K run. We all slept in till around 7:00, then ate breakfast and got ready to go. We drove to the Jr. High, got our numbers and waited for the race to begin. Darrin didn't join us because he's still trying to fix the car. I had told Tabitha I would run the whole race with her. Adam wanted to be on his own, and DJ found a group of friends to run with. I have to say, Tabitha did a GREAT job. She got tired after the second mile and we walked briefly a couple of times, but she ran the majority of the race. Her time was 34 minutes (mine, too, since I ran with her), which was the second highest in her age group. We placed 60 and 61 out of 300 women--not bad for her first 5K. Adam, who is NOT a runner, took about 45 minutes to finish. DJ and his friends have a tradition for trying to come in dead last every year. They took time out to visit a nearby park, chat with all the race officials, wave to passing cars...I believe their time this year was 1 hour 55 minutes. Of course, when the finish line came into sight, they all had to do something to get attention. Most of them sprinted for all they were worth--DJ walked backwards over the finish line. I had entered the kids and Darrin as a family unit. The judges disqualified DJ's time and replaced it with mine, so our family placed third in that category--Tabitha, Adam, and I got medals, and we got a 3rd place place plaque. Tabitha and Adam thought that was really cool!!

There is always a raffle following the race, which lasts a couple of hours. I left Tabitha and DJ, and went home with Adam. David called and said that his date had canceled. He wanted to know if DJ would want him to try to find another, or postpone the date for another day. I said I didn't know. David said he really wanted to do the date thing tonight, so he would ask someone else. I said it must be nice to be able to get a date at the last minute with no problem--he just laughed.

I had a landmark event happen today. I came home from the race HUNGRY. I actually wanted to eat. This is the first time since January. Adam made me lunch (chicken salad sandwich), and even though I couldn't eat lots, I was very excited that the desire was there, and that I didn't feel wretched after eating. I hope this lasts. I've had no weight loss this week, and think I may have turned a corner.

Tabitha and DJ got home, made lunch, and hit the showers. David called again while DJ was showering. He had to tell me 2 girls turned him down before he found one who could go tonight--and he actually had to go to where she was working and smile at her to get her to say yes. That's dedication!! Knowing David, I'm guessing there are 2 girls wishing they could cancel their plans to go with him--he plays the game well.

After I hung up the phone, the reality hit me--my son is dating. Nevermind that the person he's taking out is just a friend who has a boyfriend. Nevermind that the person he's doubling with actually prefers GUYS. I started to feel some stress. I'm not ready for my son to grow up. The stress started to escalate. I took Tabitha and went to Walmart, to get away for a minute, and to get a Mother's Day gift for my mom--that was stupid. I NEVER go to Walmart on Saturday because, I swear, everyone else in our town is there. It is crowded and miserable, and I HATE it. More stress.

We stopped at Annie's house on the way home and I asked if we could have her for the rest of the day. We took her home, planning to come back with the pickup to get her bike. Tabitha had some small chores to do and so did I, so when we finished Tabitha, Annie, and Adam had decided it would be fun to go swimming AND get Annie's bike. I suggested we invite Annie's brothers, Scott and Gary (the youngest), to go, too. We picked up everyone, and the bike and they swam until 6:30.

We dropped off the boys, and went home. Annie and Tabitha helped make dinner. DJ was gone on his DATE when we arrived home. Fortunately, keeping myself distracted really helped, I wasn't feeling stressed anymore. After dinner Annie and I made cookies (Tabitha takes HOURS to eat. She finished in time to help add the chocolate chips), then the girls went out to ride bikes in the remaining daylight. David and DJ arrived around 8:15. One of Annie's sisters and Scott came to pick her up at 8:30. They all came in to visit for a few minutes, during which someone mentioned that David was planning to take a job at Burger King this summer. "Really?" I asked, giving him a look.

Okay, time for me to vent: That boy knows that he has a job with Larry's company. He knows that job will pay better than fast food. He also knows that one of the managers at BK is an older woman who targets and pursues young men, and he has been her focus now for over a year and a half. Her interactions and communications with him have been very scary. She once told him she would like to see him in nothing but a towel--she's 28, he was 15--to me that's sexual harrassment.

He said, "I think I know why you don't want me to." I told him he was seventeen, old enough to make his own choices, and live with the consequences. He asked me if I was going to "protect" him. "You're joking," I said, "Stupidity is it's own reward." Everyone was watching us, so we dropped the subject, but I was SO upset. Annie and her family went home, and I was relieved to see them go.

DJ said he and David had a project they still had to work on this weekend (making posters for something), and they wanted to do that and then go hang out at Marcus' house. I just said, "Go." I was tired and frustrated. Darrin had come home when our house was full of other people's kids. He asked me to go to the store with him, so we left. I told him about how frustrated and worried I was about David. I was concerned that he was placing himself in a situation where he could be victimized, if only verbally. Darrin said he thought maybe I needed to tell David that. I think he's right.

When David came to get DJ, I asked him for 10 minutes of his time (I even set the timer). I asked him to explain why he wanted the BK job. He said all the right things: the manager really wanted him to work there and would work around his very busy schedule. They offered him $8.50/hour, which is really good pay for a HS Junior. There wasn't another job that would offer him that flexiblity and pay. I said, "You know that's not true. Larry offered you a better job. He never works ANYONE on Sundays, his pay is higher, and he promised to train you and to work around your schedule." David didn't answer. I told him he was doing stupid things, taking risks, putting himself in bad situations, and I didn't understand why. He started questioning me: Did I feel like this was just starting to happen now? Was this only about the BK thing? Were there other things I had in mind? I stopped him and asked why he was questioning me in order to avoid answering MY questions. He said he wasn't, he was just interested in why I was bringing these things up.

I decided it was time to stop dancing. I said, "David, I'm not sure there's anyone who loves you more than I do." He said, "You're right." I reminded him I had said from our first conversation that if I felt he was playing games, if I felt he was being dishonest, I would disappear faster than it took to breathe. He said, "Do you think I'm playing games?" I said I wasn't sure what I thought, but I didn't feel I could trust him anymore. I told him I was getting better every day, but I didn't know if that could continue if he was being stupid. He said, "So do we call it quits? I don't want to be the reason you can't get better." I told him I didn't know what to do. I told him if I didn't get better, ultimately it was no one's responsiblity but my own. But I wanted him to understand that his decisions don't affect just him. They reach everyone who loves him.

I said, "We only have 4 more minutes, so let's just focus on the BK thing. Why won't you take the job with Larry? Are you afraid you'll be someone's project?" "Maybe," he admitted. I said, "David, that pride of yours is going to get you into so much trouble. You would place yourself in a position with a person who preys on young men rather than take a job where you MIGHT be a project. What are you going for here? You told me she scares you--are you trying to prove you're not scared anymore? Or maybe you like the suggestive comments, the sexual innuendos?" "No!" He was getting angry. I pushed harder, "So what makes someone a PROJECT? Are you MY project? Am I YOURS???" I knew I shouldn't have gone there before the words were out. He said, "You're not my project. I'm not yours." "And you wouldn't be Larry's." The timer went off and interrupted my sentence.

He looked at me, and I wanted to cry, shake him, make him leave, hug him. I said, "My ten minutes are up. You need to go." He hugged me and said, "I'll see you tomorrow? at church?" "I'm sure you will," I answered, and he left.

Darrin asked me if I felt better when I went downstairs. Actually, I did, a little. Somewhere in that rather angry conversation, I achieved some detachment from that boy. This is really important, because I can't allow myself to be affected by him to the point that it hurts me. I HAVE to keep getting better. I felt SO tired. I got ready for bed, grabbed a pillow and slept on the couch, waiting for DJ to get home. I fell asleep immediately.

Darrin woke me later, said that DJ was home, and we went to bed.

Friday

I awoke around 5:15, got up and answered e-mail, wrote in my blog, and went back to bed for just a minute. I was reading my scriptures, and I fell asleep. I woke for the second time at 7:50, jumped up, dressed, got Tabitha and Adam into the car with the carpool girls and took them to school. I'm assuming that DJ and Darrin got to their respective locations without me.

I came home and got ready for my run when the phone rang. It was my sister. She wanted to talk for a long time--about an hour. I got off the phone with her and it rang again--a former music professor who was trying to coordinate the piano exams for next week. Another long phone call. I was a little frustrated when I realized there was no way I was going to get my run in now. I went to work, then met a friend/colleague for lunch at 1:00. We both teach seminary (religion class) to the youth, and wanted to coordinate classes and schedules. She's been teaching the Sophomores and Juniors, and doesn't want them next year. Since that class has my son (DJ) in it, she wanted to be sure that I was okay teaching him. I said that would be fine.

I got home around 3:30, and taught a couple of piano lessons. Tabitha wanted Annie to come play, but wasn't able to contact her. I made dinner and we ate without Darrin, who was working on replacing the clutch in our Honda. Tabitha finally got in touch with Annie and made arrangements for me to pick her up at 7:00 for a movie night. They watched Nanny McPhee, which is a very cute movie, and made more popcorn than they could eat.

I took DJ to a friend's house where bunches of teens were hanging out.

At 10:30 I took Annie home. At 11:00 Darrin and I went to get DJ. We were home by 11:15, in bed by 11:30.

Thursday

I woke with the sun (and some barking dogs) around 4:30. I lay in bed, trying not to think or to listen to the dogs. Finally I got up and did my morning routine. I took Darrin, Jr. to school at 6:30 to catch a field trip bus, then came home, made sure Tabitha and Adam were getting ready, and went for a run.

I run on a ridge above the town. It's a dirt road--lots of people walk or run up there, bring their dogs and let them run (which I hate!), etc. No one was there today. It was a little cold, but not bad. I watched the sun melt the frost on the long prairie grass as I ran on the dirt road. The birds were singing, wildflowers are everywhere--it was beautiful. After about 2 miles, I cut down and back into the paved/sidewalk areas so my legs/shins/ankles/knees get used to running on other surfaces. I ran another couple of miles on pavement and concrete on my way home.

I took my kids and the carpool girls to school. Tabitha's class has a field trip today, as well. They'll be home around 5:00 this evening. I got home to find my phone full of messages. I answered most of them. Significant among them were the following: 1. Our landlord's wife died. This could create some changes for the ownership of the house in the next little while. 2. My students are taking piano exams for the Royal American Conservatory over the next two weeks, and the Conservatory wants to change everyone's scheduled times. This could create chaos for me, since I'm in charge of the practical exams. 3. Janie, wants me to call her--no reason given. 4. My sister who is living in Germany wants to talk to me. She actually called back while I was on the phone, so I spent some time talking to her. My first student arrived while I was on the phone. I hung up and taught piano lessons for a couple of hours.

I went to work for a few hours, then came home so I'd be there when Darrin, Jr. and Adam got home. Darrin, Jr wanted to talk. The date for tomorrow isn't going to happen because KC's parents are out of town. He's really bummed. Darrin, Jr. got started on his homework, and the phone started ringing. It was KC--she wants to go out on Saturday. DJ (tired of writing Darrin, Jr.) quickly called David to see if they could go out on Saturday, they made arrangements to do so, DJ called KC and got things set up, then he came up to talk to me. David and DJ have made plans to make dinner for the girls, but neither of them wanted to cook. Sometimes, on hot summer days, I buy French bread, different cheeses (some hard, some spreadable), pepperoni and salami, prosciutto, fresh berries/grapes/other fruits, sliced peppers/tomatoes, cucumbers, and DJ loves it! He wants to do something like this on Saturday, and take the girls to a small park to eat, but neither he nor David knows where/what/how to shop. I told him I'd take them to the store and show them the ropes if they wanted that. DJ called David--who was more enthused about shopping than he should be--and arranged for us to go at 6:00.

Adam and I picked up Tabitha at 5:00. I told them we were having leftovers for supper--they could choose anything in the fridge. Adam was put out because I didn't invite him on the shopping expedition with David and DJ. I told him this was THEIR thing, his day would come in a few years. Of course, that didn't help. He had a meltdown about being excluded, having no friends, etc. I just hugged him and said I was sorry he was sad, but he still couldn't come.

DJ and I picked up David at 6:00. DJ and David immediately began comparing the look of pistachios (because David had been eating them) to boogers, the smell of parmasan cheese and garlic to stinky feet... I can't go on. I finally told them they could no longer speak in my car. They, of course, thought they were hilarious, but did stop talking about those lovely things. We got to the store and discussed budget. I showed them the different meats and cheeses (all imported and YUMMY), different breads, which fruits and vegetables were currently in season--the amazing thing is that they ACTUALLY listened and made plans for what they would purchase tomorrow. I guess teens aren't hopeless.

DJ and I went home. He finished his homework, and Darrin, Tabitha, and I dressed up and went to a wedding reception for a family friend/former piano student. We stayed till around 8:30, then went home and put the kids to bed. Darrin and I talked for awhile, then went to bed, as well. What a day.

Wednesday

I woke to MORE wind today, and it's freezing. Unhappy, I went back to my warm bed for a few minutes before doing my morning stuff. I took Darrin, Jr. to school (he's started lifting weights with his friends at 6:00), then came home and helped get everyone else off to work and school.

I went to work for a few hours, and returned home at 2:30. I added to my blog and checked e-mail, answering some messages I'd been putting off. I spent some time studying for an insurance licensing exam I have to take next month. At 3:30 I taught a piano lesson, then left to go to the store to get some stuff for dinner, and some other things we need.

We ate at 5:15, so Tabitha could get to her activity at 6:00. Darrin arrived home while we were eating, but didn't join us. He was frustrated and upset about some things that are happening at work. We finished dinner, and I took Tabitha to her activity. When I came home Darrin had eaten and was sleeping on the couch. I spent some time talking with Darrin, Jr. and Adam, then took them to their activities.

I came home and went for a run on the treadmill--4 miles today. Darrin was still sleeping. I showered and picked up the boys from their activities. Darrin, Jr. told me that David wants him to go on a double date with him on Friday, and Darrin, Jr. wants to take my friend's oldest daughter, KC. So I just have to say some things about that. First of all, we're talking about my firstborn's first date with the firstborn of my friend (who is the firstborn in her family, which really has nothing to do with all this)...that in itself lends a bit of surrealism to the picture. From a "MOM" point of view, I'm a little freaked out about this dating thing anyway. Now let's move on to the other characters in the drama--we have K, who pretended/tried to love S, but had to give up because she wanted to be true to her heart which loves David. Then we have David...who loves K, as a friend, but isn't above sending tremors through that friend's heart by asking her out on a date, when truthfully, David's heart belongs to someone else. Moving back to the Darrin, Jr./KC thing...we have Darrin, Jr., who has moved through a myriad of beautiful young ladies, trying to make a connection without success because he lacks that "fatal David magnetism" (his words, not mine), and KC, who has a boyfriend, but still wants to date other young men to make Mom and Dad happy, and because she is easily bored.

Come on!!! Am I the only one who sees the irony and humor in all this! And just between you, me, and the wall, if K would give my son the time of day (romantically speaking), he would be head over heels--so maybe it's good she's distracted by that "FDM" (see above paragraph for Darrin, Jr's descriptive terminology if an acronym explantion is needed). Also, between you, me, and the wall--I happen to LOVE K, so if David breaks her heart (on purpose or not), I'll have to consider breaking his arm. WOW!! If you factor that last sentence into the paragraph above, well...I can't continue...it's too weird...leave that last sentence out of the above paragraph.

So now that I've just pointed out all the potentially weird twists and turns of the date, I know they'll all have a wonderful time, because they're teens, and their lives are all surreal anyway. In truth, there's nothing out of the ordinary in all of this--they live with it every day. Sometimes I really do thank the Lord that I'm an adult. Honestly, I have to agree with a former blogger friend, to me their lives would be Hell on Earth. I would NEVER go back, either.

Darrin arose finally. We talked briefly, and then went to bed and to sleep.

Tuesday

The wind was fierce this morning. It woke me up around 4:00. I dozed another hour, then got up and went through my morning routine. I got ready to run, and felt a cramping pain in my abdomen. Anyone male reading this can skip this next part--since I was having my menstrual cycle, I attributed the pain to that and ignored it, but it didn't subside, it increased. I tried to run, but returned home almost immediately. I found that I was passing an inordinate amount of blood--a little distressing. I changed and cleaned up, then took the kids to school. I came home and lay down, hoping the cramping would ease. It finally did around 10:00.

I dressed up and went to accompany my last batch of Jr. High band kids. I was home at 11:30--still passing too much blood, but it's lighter. I lay down again, hoping to get through this without having to see a doctor. Let's just say that, given my past, having a pelvic exam is something I absolutely dread and avoid at all costs. I do not have healthy habits when it comes to annual physicals. I think it's been 8 years since I had one. I promised my counselor I'd schedule one, but I haven't yet. I fell asleep and awoke around 3:00. I checked myself--normal to light blood flow--that's good--and no more cramping--even better. I started some split pea soup for supper, and rested a little more.

At 5:00 I had a meeting at the school. I'm on the curriculum committee and we're working on introducing a grammar supplement into our language arts program. The meeting was short (30 minutes), and I picked up some cotton balls and French bread (odd combination!!) from the store on the way home. We had dinner, and Darrin, Jr. got ready to attend a choir concert with David. I knew I still needed to respond to David's e-mail (Darrin keeps reminding me), so I was getting a little stressed. I made biscotti--I always do when I'm stressed. Darrin, Jr. flooded the sink while he was talking to David on the phone and trying to clear the table at the same time. I grabbed the phone and told David we'd call him back. Darrin, Jr. cleaned up the mess and called him back.

I put the kids to bed at 8:00, and Darrin, Jr. arrived home around 9:00--and went to bed, as well. Darrin and I went to bed. I kissed him good-night and went to sleep.

Monday

I got up at 5:00 did my morning routine and went for a run. A very LONG run. It helps me think. I have much to do today, and don't want to be distracted by emotional issues. When I got home I took the kids to school and went to work. I worked for about four hours, but was overcome by fatigue, so I went home and took a nap.

At 3:00 I went to the Junior High to accompany the band kids for their music festival. For 3.5 hours I accompanied students (29 of them). I was really tired when the last one played. I was glad to go home.

I found Darrin sleeping on the couch, Darrin, Jr. talking with friends on the computer, and Adam watching cartoons when I got home. Tabitha was performing with her choir at an assisted living center for seniors. I woke Darrin and we went to pick up fast food for dinner. Tabitha was home when we got back. We ate together and tried to regroup from our busy days. I made it through half my food before I had to stop. I was a little upset that I couldn't finish. I refuse to let my sadness affect my promise to keep eating. I went downstairs, leaving my family at the table. I sat on my bed, thinking. Slowly, finally, I was able to cry.

Ten minutes later I felt much better. Just accepting that I was sad, and that it was alright to feel that way, helped. I helped clean up dinner and the kids got ready for bed and went upstairs to read. Darrin and I went downstairs. He did some computer work, and I browsed blogs. I didn't feel like commenting. I wanted to wait until I felt more settled, less emotional. Darrin was installing the graphics card. I lay down on the couch and fell asleep.

Darrin woke me at 10:00. We went to bed and to sleep.

Sunday

Today was a day for pondering. I awoke around 5:00, but made myself try to sleep some more. I finally did fall asleep, and woke again around 7:30. I did my morning devotional, pondering yesterday's discussion with my young friend. I didn't run because I'm fasting today--and praying for strength to do what God would have me do in reference to David, for guidance in my own life, for an increase of peace, for comfort...

Fasting in an interesting phenomenon. We do it monthly in our church. Of course, we can also have a special fast at any time, if we feel we need it. For most people going without food for 24-hours is quite a sacrifice. For me, it is a relief. I don't have to spend time deciding if I WILL eat, what I can stomach, how much is enough. But the physical side is only part of the fast. Fasting seems to bring me closer to my Heavenly Father because I focus on him, the blessings he gives me, and the special needs and desires of my heart about which I feel I need help from him.

We went to church at noon. The service was wonderful. I don't know of anything that was SAID that really got to me, but I felt so close to the Lord. I felt such gratitude for Jesus Christ. I felt absolute conviction that God is real, and that he loves me. I felt peace.

After Sacrament Meeting I met Annie in the foyer. She's very excited because her oldest sister is expecting her baby anytime now. Annie said, "Maybe tomorrow!!" I asked her to be sure and tell me when the baby came. I moved to gather Darrin, Jr. and Adam to send them to Sunday School.

After church we went home and made dinner. I had a student come to rehearse at 5:00. We relaxed, played some family games, then Darrin, Darrin, Jr. and I went to a meeting about seminary registration at 7:00. Seminary is the religious education class provided for the youth of our church. It meets in the mornings before school, or sometimes, when arranged with the school district, the students are released during the day to attend seminary. We have a release-time program, but it takes place during a universal study-hall time, and the high school is planning to get rid of the study-hall block. So we may have only morning seminary next fall. I will be teaching one of the seminary classes.

We got home at 8:30, put the kids to bed, and got ready for bed, ourselves around 10:30.

Saturday

Darrin, Jr. awoke around 5:00 to get ready for a school choir trip/competition. I woke with him, then went back to sleep for about an hour. I got up at 6:00 and took him to school to meet his bus. I came home, did online stuff, and cleaned house. I went for a run at 7:45. It was a glorious day. I didn't want to go back home, and extended my usual route another mile. Finally I turned toward home. I have a busy day ahead of me.

I showered and got ready for the day--just as my first rehearsal student arrived. A trail of Junior High band kids went through my house from 9:00 till noon. My phone kept ringing during rehearsals. I didn't answer most of the calls.

My last student left as Darrin arrived from doing errands. Tabitha and Adam went to my dad's house to do chores. Annie's mom dropped her off there to help.

I asked Darrin to take me to lunch around 3:30 (I hadn't had time to eat yet), and so we went out. It's interesting, our waitress was new (2nd day), and she forgot about us. We were left in a secluded corner for about 30 minutes before she realized her mistake. But we had a lot to talk about, and really didn't mind. She was mortified when she realized what she had done, but I consider it a blessing. Darrin and I were able to talk, uninterrupted, about many things that are going on right now. We had a really nice lunch (which had now turned into an early dinner), and got home around 5:30. Tabitha and Adam were waiting for us at home. They had gone out to a late lunch with my dad, after finishing the work he had for them.

We watched a family movie--I slept, so I have no idea what it was. Tabitha had wanted to go for a run with me, but it was raining lightly, and I was too tired. The phone rang at 8:30--it was Annie. She just got a new bike and wanted Tabitha and I to come see it. It's a little late for our family, but we went anyway. Darrin went with us. Adam stayed home to relax and use the computer.

We went to Walmart while we were out and got a few things I had forgotten yesterday. Darrin picked up some jack stands because he has to work on one of our cars (replacing the clutch). I got really tired again, while we were shopping. We got home around 9:30 and sent Tabitha and Adam to bed.

Darrin and I dozed on the couch while we waited for Darrin, Jr. to get home. He finally called around 12:30, and Darrin went to pick him up from the school. Everyone was in bed and sleeping by 1:00 a.m.

Friday

5:00 came too soon. I did my morning devotional and grumbled out of bed to get ready for my run. When I opened the front door, I discovered an inch of snow and ice on the front lawn and sidewalks--no outdoor run today! I went back inside, answered e-mail and added to my blog. I showered and got ready for the day, because I really didn't want a treadmill run today, then I took the kids to school and went to work.

I worked on a report for a non-profit scholarship organization, but couldn't finish because they didn't provide complete information. I'm hoping it's just an oversight. I've had organizations omit info because they aren't in compliance with non-profit regs. I hate dealing with that. My dad arrived about an hour before I had to leave. I stopped working and helped him prepare a mailing he has to send out soliciting donations for the Boy Scouts organization. We talked while we worked on this--I love working with my dad.

At 11:30 I met Janie for lunch. We met at a local restaurant (small) that makes organic vegetarian food. It is always wonderful--and the produce is amazing. It's the only place I'll order a salad as an entree. Today they had a salad special with tomatoes, fresh mozzarella and basil, and I have to say, they get their tomatoes someplace other than where I'm shopping!! They actually were ripe! I'm experiencing more frequent desires to eat, but no recognizable hunger yet. Janie and I spent 2 hours talking. We discussed Janie's school (she's finishing her master's degree. We talked about her children. As a rule, I'm not drawn to other people's children. When my siblings had babies they used to tell me, "Samantha, this is your niece/nephew. Hold her/him. Bond with her/him." So I'd try, but I didn't enjoy it. I like my nieces and nephews, but I don't feel particularly close to them. So it's very strange that I'm drawn to Janie's children--Darrin has commented about it many times. I told Janie how much I loved her kids, and that I was envious that she had more than twice as many as I did. She admitted that they were pretty special.

I suppose being involved with Janie's family has made me a little paranoid about my own. I've been having one-on-one time with each of my kids, just to make sure they have what they need emotionally, physically. Darrin has been doing the same. Tonight he and Darrin, Jr. went out to dinner, and spent a couple of hours together. My three beautiful children seem so well-adjusted, and that's really saying a lot since I have one teen, one in puberty, and one pre-pubescent--all in all, a pretty hormonal bunch.

Tabitha and Adam had a school activity tonight. Darrin, Jr. left to watch movies at David's house. Darrin and I had some alone time. We talked. We cuddled and kissed...and about that time, Tabitha and Adam arrived home. Sigh.

My oldest sister called me around 10:30. Apparently she was planning to meet us at the family property over Memorial Day weekend. We talked till nearly midnight. I told her, for the first time, about the abuse I had suffered when we were children. She was astounded--she shared a large room with me at the time it happened, and had no idea that our cousin was "visiting" me. She was loving and sympathetic. I'm still always amazed that people actually care. Maybe someday that won't seem so surprising anymore.

Darrin, Jr. got home while I was saying good-by to my sister. We chatted about his night, briefly, and I kissed him and sent him to bed. Darrin was sleeping when I joined him in bed. I snuggled up, kissed him good-night, and fell asleep.

Thursday

I awoke today feeling NORMAL. No moodiness, no sadness, no loneliness. I have to say, getting all the insane feelings written out was VERY therapeutic, but talking about what I've written with someone who understands many of the feelings I have was even more so. Maybe that's one of the reasons I won't talk to my counselor about many things. In spite of her training, she has no idea what I feel--and sometimes I don't think she cares, either. So thanks, Ward. I'm sure reading and commenting on my self-serving, self-pitying entries wasn't the most riveting activity you've had for awhile, so I REALLY appreciate it. Especially since it seems to have brought me so much relief over the past couple of days. Amazing...

I went through my normal morning routine and did an indoor run since it's still raining and cold (and I'm a wimp). I took the kids to school, then came home and taught a lesson to a student who will be taking a piano exam in the next couple of weeks. I went to work for about an hour, then my dad came in. We chatted for awhile.

I left work and went to school to train a new volunteer in the library. Before I went wacko in December, I spent about 10 hours weekly running the library. We don't have a librarian because we're a charter school on a limited budget. I kept telling the board that they need to hire a librarian soon, but they didn't listen, so I checked out in December, and they've been without any library help since then. So I'm going to train the new volunteer, but I'm not going back. They need a librarian, not a library run by volunteers. I spent about 2 hours training, then left and went home to regain my sanity.

I called David's house and talked to his mom. We're supposed to go out to lunch tomorrow, so we made plans to meet at a local restaurant.

Darrin, Jr. and I went to Walmart to get groceries and some new clothes for him. He wears out his clothes so quickly--I don't know how. We came home and folded laundry, then I made dinner and we ate (yes, I ate, too).

At 10:00 I wrote in my blog. At 10:30 I went to bed. Once again I'm experiencing a disconnected feeling. I need to figure out why that's happening. It's more than a little bothersome, and VERY distracting. I'm hoping it's just left over from all the emotional turmoil of the past few days.

Wednesday

I woke this morning feeling surprisingly at peace. I did my morning routine, but scrapped my run when I walked outside. The wind chill was 22 degrees--too cold. I decided to try later when it warmed up. I showered and took the kids to school, then went to another rehearsal--2 1/2 hours of Junior High band solos. It was long.

I got home around 10:45, and made some phone calls for work. Then I ate a cookie (good lunch) and went to work. Okay, I know that wasn't the best food choice, but it's the first time in days that I actually WANTED to eat something, so I went with it. I finished my dad's tax return, and we chatted about my role in his business, how to buy a house (I'm so tired of renting!), and I told him he HAD to go with us on a mini-vacation over Memorial Day weekend. I want to go to our family property, which is on the other side of the state, and spend the weekend. My dad caved and will come for the weekend (my mom already said they'd go). I'm excited to get away--no tv, no computers (except I'm sure Darrin will bring his laptop), no traffic, no people--my kind of place.

I went home at 2:30, met with a former professor for half an hour in preparation for the seminars I'll be teaching in the summer, then I had to pick up the kids from school (car pool conflict), and got home in time to teach my last make-up lesson.

Tonight was pizza night, so Tabitha and I went to get pizza. I actually wanted to eat again (I ate THREE pieces, which for me is TONS). Then I was too full. I took Tabitha to her activity.

The weather is still cold, and raining on and off. We're supposed to get a couple of inches of snow tonight, so I did a treadmill run. I showered, then we relaxed and chatted. The frustration I've been feeling is slowly leaving. Maybe Ward is right--allowing myself to express how I feel, no matter how confusing, conflicting, or bizarre, really can help me heal. But I hope I don't have to do it again anytime soon. It's pretty ugly.

We had a relaxing evening. We put the kids to bed around 9:00. Darrin and I cuddled on the couch for awhile, then went to bed. I would love another day like today.

Tuesday

I can't even begin to express how badly I want to go back in time. I think September would be far enough. In September 2005, I was teaching a studio full of promising students and loving every minute of it. My abusive cousin's wife was still alive. Darrin was working at a job that brought in more money than he makes now--although he likes this lower paying job better. I loved eating with friends and family. I had no idea the surreal nature of the reality that was about to unfold in a matter of months. I was blissfully ignorant, absolutely in control of my life and my feelings, really feeling happy and content.

Okay, I'll leave that impossible yearning behind. I woke late, AGAIN, and had to put off my run, which ticks me off. I had to get the kids to school before 8:00, because I was rehearsing with the Junior High band kids for their festival solos. Everyone got where they needed to go (including me) without a hitch. I rehearsed with about 30 students for 3 hours. Then I stopped at the office and registered our family for a 5K run sponsered by the Jr. High. I registered me individually, and Darrin and the kids in the family category, which means they don't have to run it.

I got home at 11:15 and thought about eating. I ate a salad. Then I ate an apple and drank some milk. Then I wanted to puke. I didn't. I went to the computer and surfed blogs.

I didn't go to work. At 3:30 I taught one make-up lesson and put a chicken into the oven. I got ready to run--Tabitha asked if she could come with me. I didn't want her to--this is MY time--but I let her come anyway. It was REALLY windy, which made running difficult. We ran about 2 miles before Tabitha gave out. At that point, the wind blew something into my eye, so we went home.

I cried for about 20 minutes while I finished making dinner, and drank about a gallon of water. I have no idea why I was crying. I think I must be so tired of trying to work through the mess that is now my life. Who knows? We all sat down to eat. I SOOOO did not want to eat. I did anyway.

I played computer games while everyone else watched American Idol. Darrin and I went to bed around 10:00.

Monday

I woke to ice on the car windows and immediately postponed my run until the sun came out. I posted on my blog, visited others, answered email, did my devotional--all the usual stuff. I helped the kids get ready for school and drove them there. Then I came home and wrote a very LONG blog entry full of my stupid feelings that don't make any sense and that make me CRAZY!! I didn't feel better when I was done, so I went for a very long run. I ran for about 2 hours. I still didn't feel any better. I'm really not sure what the purpose of all this feeling stuff is about!! Life was so nice and compartmentalized last year. Everyone involved in my supposed "healing" keeps telling me how much better life will be now, how much more happy I can be with all these new feelings. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!!!! Life is more confusing. Life is more depressing. Life sucks, big time!!!!

I moped around for about an hour, then went to work till 3:30. I came home and taught 2 make-up lessons. I was not in the mood to cook, so I got burgers/salads/baked potatoes from Wendy's. Then I insisted that everyone go for a walk with me. Darrin whined that he was tired. I was relentless. We walked about a mile and a half--pretty wimpy, if you ask me. We got home around 7:30. We had our weekly family meeting to schedule everyone, then the kids went to bed, and Darrin and I went to Walmart to get groceries and stuff. We got home around 9:45. I was SO tired.

I checked e-mail. David wrote a short one, asking about something we had talked about a couple of weeks ago. I answered his e-mail and a couple of others, then went to bed. I don't remember falling asleep. I don't remember Darrin joining me. I just crashed.

Sunday

Today was an easy day, a relaxing day. I awoke feeling fully recovered from last week's visitor. I read, answered e-mail, thought about writing in my blog, browsed other blogs. Then Darrin woke up and I had a melt-down. It came out of nowhere. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I think all the stress from everything just came out. Darrin talked with me, held me, let me cry. He was really surprised because I'd been putting on such a good face for everyone. I guess the effort of not letting everyone know how I was feeling was just too much. Funny, it used to be second nature to me. Not anymore. I felt huge relief when I was done. Very strange.

We went to church. I was tired and didn't enjoy the service. I was glad to get home. The kids put lunch together and I fell asleep on the couch--I didn't want to eat. I think I'm out of sorts because I'm trying to work through all the stress I've been feeling. It makes eating really difficult. I woke up around 4:30 and decided to go for a long run. It had been raining for most of the afternoon, and still was. I didn't care. It wasn't cold and I love running in the rain. I ran for a couple of hours, and got drenched. Not much company out there for me, which was fine.

I got home a little before 7:00. The kids had dinner started. I finished it and they ate. I still didn't want to. We put the kids to bed for reading time at 8:00. I decided to make biscotti (double chocolate almond, of course). Darrin asked if he could make me something to eat. I know he's concerned, and I did promise I would eat every day, so I said yes. He made me some weird sauteed rice and peanuts (I have no idea what he was thinking), and I ate some--he ate LOTS. Then I drank some milk and we went to bed.

I'm feeling disconnected from feeling again. It seems that I'm really fighting this "feeling" thing and it trickles into every aspect of my life. I decided I needed to show him that I love him, too. He has been more than supportive. I have felt loved and cherished by him every step of the way as I've worked through the issues in my life. One thing I can never doubt--Darrin loves me. He is my best friend. I can't express the depth of my love for him.