I almost don't know how to begin this post. When I met with Therapist a couple of months ago he said that I was in "working" mode, and that I had been there for nearly eight months. He told me that when we first met in August I was numb (and I was so much better then than I has been six months prior to that--I wonder what he would have thought of me if he'd met me at the very beginning of my counseling adventure). Apparently, being in "working" mode means that I'm no longer ignoring things and am actively seeking resolution to whatever is bothering me. Therapist said that most people will be in that mode for short intense periods of time (3 to 6 weeks), then take a break to regroup and begin again. He's been a little concerned because my short intense times have stretched into a very long period of intensity with no rest times. He told me he doesn't want to interrupt the work I'm doing, but he believes that the lack of down time has contributed to my nightmares, relationship insecurities, high stress, return to unhealthy coping mechanisms and depression. I told him I didn't know how to stop. He didn't have any suggestions.
In retrospect, I'm grateful that I didn't take time off, regardless of the cost. I believe Therapist may be one of the few people who could connect with me and help me find the things I need to discover in order to find peace--and he's leaving. I've been blessed to have the past nine months with him. I trust him and I've found the guidance he's given me incredibly helpful. He was comparing me to a typical client and he said: "Sam, if there is a choice between taking a long, gently winding path to the tip of a mountain, or scaling a sheer cliff, you'll take the second option every time." I'm sure he meant that I always do things the hard way, but I prefer to believe that he was complimenting me on my rock-climbing skills--or maybe he just means I'm a very hard worker--or that I have a remarkable fitness level. Regardless, I have worked incessantly in the past few months.
Things I have accomplished:
1. I was able to cry. Not often. Not as I would have liked to, and I'm still afraid that someday the tears will start and everyone will have to build an ark in order to survive the flood that will ensue. And I'm also afraid that when that happens I'll be alone. Perhaps it's selfish of me, but I really would like to have someone with me then, because for most of my life I have forced myself to endure any heartache alone, embarassed that someone might see and think less of me because I was weak. I'm ready to face that--because I finally believe that there are a few people who will love me even when I'm vulnerable and who won't feel it an emotional intrusion if I need to be held for a moment.
2. I researched all that I could in conjunction with my situation and applied that research to myself. I researched abuse, support groups, pedophilia, control, manipulation, relationships, parenting, loss, grief, addictive behaviors, coping devises, dreams, depression, side-effects of stress, body language, humor, emotions, faith, the atonement, the nature of God, and many other pertinent topics. It wasn't always fun. It was definitely worth it.
3. I met with David. I had lunch with him. As Tolkien Boy is my witness, I was delightful and charming and I'm certain he wants to be my best friend for the rest of our lives. It was horrible. But Therapist said that he will spend years with clients helping them get to the point where they will accept the suggestion that a meeting might someday take place. I not only did that, but I initiated and followed through with the meeting (he says that's "freaking awesome!!") without him even suggesting I do so, and I'm better because of it. I don't want to do it again. I'll be okay if I have to.
4. I have finally let my husband go. By this I mean that for most of our marriage I have been stabilized by the fact that there was one person in all the world who loves me no matter what. He's seen me sad, ugly, naked, miserable, sick, angry, confused, and pregnant. And he still loves me. However, when he has gone on business trips or anytime he has had to leave me alone, I've been insecure and miserable. And I've made him miserable because of it. Fortunately, I married someone who understands the root causes of my poor behavior and who makes allowances for it, or he would have left long ago. But I've finally grown up. I made an extended solo journey without my husband for the first time since we were married. I was gone for a week. I did not depend on him in any way. We've both done some individual travelling lately and it's doesn't bother me. Darrin's trying to adjust to my new emotional independence, and while he's happy for me, it's definitely new for him. But it's really good for us both.