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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, May 14, 2006


Today is the day of the 5K run. We all slept in till around 7:00, then ate breakfast and got ready to go. We drove to the Jr. High, got our numbers and waited for the race to begin. Darrin didn't join us because he's still trying to fix the car. I had told Tabitha I would run the whole race with her. Adam wanted to be on his own, and DJ found a group of friends to run with. I have to say, Tabitha did a GREAT job. She got tired after the second mile and we walked briefly a couple of times, but she ran the majority of the race. Her time was 34 minutes (mine, too, since I ran with her), which was the second highest in her age group. We placed 60 and 61 out of 300 women--not bad for her first 5K. Adam, who is NOT a runner, took about 45 minutes to finish. DJ and his friends have a tradition for trying to come in dead last every year. They took time out to visit a nearby park, chat with all the race officials, wave to passing cars...I believe their time this year was 1 hour 55 minutes. Of course, when the finish line came into sight, they all had to do something to get attention. Most of them sprinted for all they were worth--DJ walked backwards over the finish line. I had entered the kids and Darrin as a family unit. The judges disqualified DJ's time and replaced it with mine, so our family placed third in that category--Tabitha, Adam, and I got medals, and we got a 3rd place place plaque. Tabitha and Adam thought that was really cool!!

There is always a raffle following the race, which lasts a couple of hours. I left Tabitha and DJ, and went home with Adam. David called and said that his date had canceled. He wanted to know if DJ would want him to try to find another, or postpone the date for another day. I said I didn't know. David said he really wanted to do the date thing tonight, so he would ask someone else. I said it must be nice to be able to get a date at the last minute with no problem--he just laughed.

I had a landmark event happen today. I came home from the race HUNGRY. I actually wanted to eat. This is the first time since January. Adam made me lunch (chicken salad sandwich), and even though I couldn't eat lots, I was very excited that the desire was there, and that I didn't feel wretched after eating. I hope this lasts. I've had no weight loss this week, and think I may have turned a corner.

Tabitha and DJ got home, made lunch, and hit the showers. David called again while DJ was showering. He had to tell me 2 girls turned him down before he found one who could go tonight--and he actually had to go to where she was working and smile at her to get her to say yes. That's dedication!! Knowing David, I'm guessing there are 2 girls wishing they could cancel their plans to go with him--he plays the game well.

After I hung up the phone, the reality hit me--my son is dating. Nevermind that the person he's taking out is just a friend who has a boyfriend. Nevermind that the person he's doubling with actually prefers GUYS. I started to feel some stress. I'm not ready for my son to grow up. The stress started to escalate. I took Tabitha and went to Walmart, to get away for a minute, and to get a Mother's Day gift for my mom--that was stupid. I NEVER go to Walmart on Saturday because, I swear, everyone else in our town is there. It is crowded and miserable, and I HATE it. More stress.

We stopped at Annie's house on the way home and I asked if we could have her for the rest of the day. We took her home, planning to come back with the pickup to get her bike. Tabitha had some small chores to do and so did I, so when we finished Tabitha, Annie, and Adam had decided it would be fun to go swimming AND get Annie's bike. I suggested we invite Annie's brothers, Scott and Gary (the youngest), to go, too. We picked up everyone, and the bike and they swam until 6:30.

We dropped off the boys, and went home. Annie and Tabitha helped make dinner. DJ was gone on his DATE when we arrived home. Fortunately, keeping myself distracted really helped, I wasn't feeling stressed anymore. After dinner Annie and I made cookies (Tabitha takes HOURS to eat. She finished in time to help add the chocolate chips), then the girls went out to ride bikes in the remaining daylight. David and DJ arrived around 8:15. One of Annie's sisters and Scott came to pick her up at 8:30. They all came in to visit for a few minutes, during which someone mentioned that David was planning to take a job at Burger King this summer. "Really?" I asked, giving him a look.

Okay, time for me to vent: That boy knows that he has a job with Larry's company. He knows that job will pay better than fast food. He also knows that one of the managers at BK is an older woman who targets and pursues young men, and he has been her focus now for over a year and a half. Her interactions and communications with him have been very scary. She once told him she would like to see him in nothing but a towel--she's 28, he was 15--to me that's sexual harrassment.

He said, "I think I know why you don't want me to." I told him he was seventeen, old enough to make his own choices, and live with the consequences. He asked me if I was going to "protect" him. "You're joking," I said, "Stupidity is it's own reward." Everyone was watching us, so we dropped the subject, but I was SO upset. Annie and her family went home, and I was relieved to see them go.

DJ said he and David had a project they still had to work on this weekend (making posters for something), and they wanted to do that and then go hang out at Marcus' house. I just said, "Go." I was tired and frustrated. Darrin had come home when our house was full of other people's kids. He asked me to go to the store with him, so we left. I told him about how frustrated and worried I was about David. I was concerned that he was placing himself in a situation where he could be victimized, if only verbally. Darrin said he thought maybe I needed to tell David that. I think he's right.

When David came to get DJ, I asked him for 10 minutes of his time (I even set the timer). I asked him to explain why he wanted the BK job. He said all the right things: the manager really wanted him to work there and would work around his very busy schedule. They offered him $8.50/hour, which is really good pay for a HS Junior. There wasn't another job that would offer him that flexiblity and pay. I said, "You know that's not true. Larry offered you a better job. He never works ANYONE on Sundays, his pay is higher, and he promised to train you and to work around your schedule." David didn't answer. I told him he was doing stupid things, taking risks, putting himself in bad situations, and I didn't understand why. He started questioning me: Did I feel like this was just starting to happen now? Was this only about the BK thing? Were there other things I had in mind? I stopped him and asked why he was questioning me in order to avoid answering MY questions. He said he wasn't, he was just interested in why I was bringing these things up.

I decided it was time to stop dancing. I said, "David, I'm not sure there's anyone who loves you more than I do." He said, "You're right." I reminded him I had said from our first conversation that if I felt he was playing games, if I felt he was being dishonest, I would disappear faster than it took to breathe. He said, "Do you think I'm playing games?" I said I wasn't sure what I thought, but I didn't feel I could trust him anymore. I told him I was getting better every day, but I didn't know if that could continue if he was being stupid. He said, "So do we call it quits? I don't want to be the reason you can't get better." I told him I didn't know what to do. I told him if I didn't get better, ultimately it was no one's responsiblity but my own. But I wanted him to understand that his decisions don't affect just him. They reach everyone who loves him.

I said, "We only have 4 more minutes, so let's just focus on the BK thing. Why won't you take the job with Larry? Are you afraid you'll be someone's project?" "Maybe," he admitted. I said, "David, that pride of yours is going to get you into so much trouble. You would place yourself in a position with a person who preys on young men rather than take a job where you MIGHT be a project. What are you going for here? You told me she scares you--are you trying to prove you're not scared anymore? Or maybe you like the suggestive comments, the sexual innuendos?" "No!" He was getting angry. I pushed harder, "So what makes someone a PROJECT? Are you MY project? Am I YOURS???" I knew I shouldn't have gone there before the words were out. He said, "You're not my project. I'm not yours." "And you wouldn't be Larry's." The timer went off and interrupted my sentence.

He looked at me, and I wanted to cry, shake him, make him leave, hug him. I said, "My ten minutes are up. You need to go." He hugged me and said, "I'll see you tomorrow? at church?" "I'm sure you will," I answered, and he left.

Darrin asked me if I felt better when I went downstairs. Actually, I did, a little. Somewhere in that rather angry conversation, I achieved some detachment from that boy. This is really important, because I can't allow myself to be affected by him to the point that it hurts me. I HAVE to keep getting better. I felt SO tired. I got ready for bed, grabbed a pillow and slept on the couch, waiting for DJ to get home. I fell asleep immediately.

Darrin woke me later, said that DJ was home, and we went to bed.


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