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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Friday, March 31, 2006


I am SO glad this week is over!!! I awoke feeling a great sense of relief. I'm not certain why this week was so hard for me--but it's almost over, and today will be much more relaxed than yesterday. I got up at 5:30 and posted my blog, then visited the Cleavers. It seems that I've removed my blog link from my profile--don't know when I did that!! I fixed the problem, checked e-mail, then practiced until my kids were ready for school. Only Tabitha and Darrin, Jr. are going today. Adam and Darrin are going on a weekend trip together.

I took the kids to school, then came home and went for a run. Not my best time, but I'm feeling a little tired today. I showered and sent my husband and son off on their weekend, then went to work, met with clients, and worked on tax returns. One of my clients had forgotten to give me some information, so I had to redo a schedule for them. They were so embarrassed--I told them it happens all the time, but the wife made me/my family some homemade caramels, and the husband added a monetary bonus to their bill. Who can complain about that???

I rehearsed with one of my piano buddies at 1:30, came home and practiced till the kids got home from school. Tabitha made arrangments to spend the evening with Annie and Darrin, Jr. made a connection with one of his friends. I bought seafood for dinner, and we had it with pasta, spinach/strawberry salad, and mangoes. Annie had never had shrimp before and DID NOT like it. However, she did try it--very brave.

Annie and Tabitha watched "Chicken Little" while I got ready for my trip tomorrow. I'm judging a piano festival tomorrow in a city about 2.5 hours away. I'll have to leave before 6 a.m. It will be a very long day with all the driving, and I'll be judging for about seven hours. I'm looking forward to relaxing on Sunday.

I took Annie home around 9:00, picked up Darrin, Jr. (it will be good when he can drive, maybe), and we all went to bed. It's lonely without Darrin.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


I awoke today to the sound of a robin. Spring?? That means we'll get more snow in the next week or two. Usually mornings have me rallying--ready to go, motivated, alive. But for a little while now, I've awakened a little on the down side. Today was no exception, but I was feeling REALLY down. I wish I knew why I'm having such a difficult time right now. It's bugging me. I wish I didn't have to analyze everything, find a reason for everything, make everything FIT.

I realized that I'm feeling lonely, and THAT is a very new feeling for me. If I felt it before, I never allowed myself to acknowledge it was there. So I don't know if I did or not. But I'm feeling it today. Why? It doesn't make sense. I don't even UNDERSTAND the feeling--what does loneliness mean? I have people who love me in my home, friends across the street, family a phone call away...does it mean I need someone new? I don't know, and I don't like it.

I got up and posted my blog. And for the first time in awhile--no new email. That's unusual. And bad timing for someone feeling lonely. My mood got blacker. I re-read my blog and realized how self-centered I am. Everything is about me. Maybe I need to go do something for someone else. I don't know, my life is just kind of miserable right now, and I'm wallowing in it.

After guzzling a protein shake I RAN. I have no idea how far. I didn't have to drive carpool this morning, so I went as far as I wanted to--a nice LONG run. I got home in time to kiss Darrin good-bye and get the kids ready to leave. Then I showered and got ready for the day. I practiced for a couple of hours, taught some lessons, and went to work.

I got home around 3:30 for my last group lesson of the week. It will be nice to have tomorrow off. I finished teaching around 6:00. Darrin made dinner, which is good, because I was thinking leftovers were sounding great! We relaxed around the TV till bedtime. I was messing with a photo-editing program. I want to figure out how to layer photos--not having much luck, either. Maybe I need a different program.

Darrin and I went to bed around 10:30. Darrin wanted to make love, but I'm still feeling a little ambivalent about it. I told him I'm still feeling weird about my SSA experience of yesterday--but decide to try anyway. He was gentle and kind, and I don't think I've ever felt more loved. I have a VERY understanding husband. Do I deserve it??? Who cares--I'll take it!!!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


For the second night in a row, I slept the night through. I wasn't awakened by the alarm, but by Darrin stirring me as he got out of bed. I got up, posted my blog, did my morning routine, and went for a run. It feels good to be running again. I showered and took the kids to school--on the way home I encountered a "run in" with my SSA past (detailed below). It was disconcerting, to say the least.

After spending too much introspection time, I practiced for a couple of hours, then went to work. I finished up a couple of corporate returns, and some personal ones, then headed home to teach piano lessons. My older students were grouped today. They're delightful. Group lesson lasts for an hour and a half, and we have a wonderful time together. They perform first, then we eat and learn about music history, test aural skills and theory, and just visit. I enjoy them.

Following the lesson, I ran to get pizza (we seem to be having pizza every Wednesday, lately) so that the kids could eat before their youth activities. My niece was with us for dinner and went with Tabitha to her activity. I took the boys to the church, and met with the young women. They spent the whole time giggling and talking--they're darling. After activities, the kids and I went home. I spent an hour unwinding, then went to bed.

I couldn't sleep. My life seems to be filled with too many ups and downs. I'd really like to be on an even keel for awhile. I was a little unsettled at my feelings this morning--and I really didn't want to deal with those feelings. I decided I must just be tired. Part of me wanted to make love with my husband--perhaps to prove that my SSA feelings do not have control of me, the other part didn't want to have THOSE feelings either. I felt overwhelmed and depressed. After about an hour, I fell asleep.

Ghosts of the Past

As I was out driving this morning I passed a jogger. I was in a school zone, so I had to go VERY slowly, so I had ample time to observe/watch/ogle this very beautiful jogger. She was GORGEOUS!!! Tall, long blonde hair, perfect build, beautiful legs, rhythmic stride.... Suddenly I realized that for the first time in many, many years, I was experiencing longings I thought would never return. I wanted to run with her--to talk to her--to touch her--among other things... Shocked and dismayed, I drove home. But I couldn't get her image out of my mind. Am I REGRESSING????

So, once safely home, I decided it was another thinking time. This is not something I can just allow to stay with me. And I don't want it happening again. So I thought. For a long time I sat and thought. And I realized that this is the only part of my past that I have not relived during the past three months. I have revisited every significant (and sometimes traumatic) event, cycle, practice, and memory--except for my past SSA issues. I have allowed myself to feel all the necessary feelings needed in order to find peace and healing--except those connected with my SSA issues. I have relapsed into temporary self-harm practices, and felt displaced anger and hatred toward those I love--but I have not allowed myself to explore any feelings/events/issues involved with SSA. And I think, maybe, this was a mistake because experiencing SSA is a large part of my past, and has definitely shaped who I am now. It makes me feel empathy for others who have experienced or who are still experiencing those feelings. It makes me understand that weaknesses and trials come in all shapes and sizes. It helps me to understand that what is hidden is often more real than that which is seen. It makes me strive daily to become better, while at the same time acknowledging that I probably never will be.

So I have to believe that what happened today is a manifestation that I forgot something. I need to acknowledge that even if it doesn't haunt me today, there was a time when SSA was a part of my daily life. But just in case that's not it, I stripped down to my birthday suit and stood in front of a full length mirror. I admired the fact that at 39 years of age, I still look pretty darn terrific!! I'll never be a tall, blonde beauty. But all in all, I'm doing all right--and I don't need a beautiful woman to make me more than what I already am. My body tells the story of my life--it's a monument to me.

I'm hoping today's event is simply a part of the healing cycle I'm experiencing and that "this, too, shall pass." If not, well, I've got my work cut out for me, but I'll make it through this, as well. Feelings are an interesting phenomenon. So in the interest of good mental/emotional health, I'm giving myself permission to feel those feelings of attraction for a perfect (and perfectly beautiful) stranger. And I'm forgiving myself for experiencing them--and hoping I'll move on. Will this do the trick? Time will tell.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Tuesday--another VERY long entry

I woke this morning, still sleepy and feeling lousy. But I was determined to eat and to run this morning. My neighbor was driving our kids to school today, so I rested and snoozed till around 8:30. I forced a protein shake down, then ran three miles. I'm pretty slow now. It took me nearly 35 minutes, but at least I did it, and I felt better the whole day because of it.

In my resting and snoozing time I was thinking. I realized that there are a number of things bothering me, most of them about my counselor:
1. I hate it when she drones on for hours about her personal life. There are two reasons I hate this. The first is because, I really don't care, and really don't want to hear it. I'm the type of person who, if a distraction is presented, I will use that to avoid working through my own problems--and a distraction is what she presents to me when she talks about her problems. Gives me a great excuse to not do what I'm supposed to be paying her to help me with. The second reason is that I feel it is totally unprofessional. And I don't find her experiences helpful in ANY way. So I leave my sessions feeling unhappy and miserable because we didn't cover half of my questions because she wasted so much of my time and money talking about herself. Also, I'm upset at myself for not being assertive and telling her how I feel about this.
2. I know she has helped me. I couldn't have come this far without her expertise. I fully acknowledge this and I am grateful. However, I feel that she is digging for things in my life that aren't there. For instance, she'll say something like, "Most victims of abuse have a difficult time with parenting. They aren't always able to control their anger or emotions." Then she waits for me to say something. So I tell her, "That's really not a problem for me. I've pretty much controlled every aspect of my life since I was 12. And no, I'm not abusing my kids." She'll drop the subject for about ten minutes, and then I find that we're right back to it again. I find this very aggravating. It's bothersome to keep answering the same questions over and over again, especially since the answer isn't going to change. I WOULD NEVER HURT MY CHILDREN OR MY HUSBAND. It's just not in my nature to do so. I love them. However, as time goes on, I'm finding it in my nature to want to tell my counselor where to go.

One of the reasons I write in this blog is because it seems to make things real. If I just write them down, and no one reads them, it's like I never said those things. But even if no one reads the words I post here, at least they're out there FOR someone to read. They're no longer secret, private. They're REAL.

I just need to TALK and LISTEN so I/we can move forward. I'm thinking, too, that I'm going to attend my next counseling session, and then take a break for awhile.

It was amazing. For the rest of the day I experienced such a sense of peace. I felt that an enormous weight had been lifted from me. I even ate a little lunch and had dinner with my family. It's going to take some time before everything returns to normal, but I think I'm on my way. I had a lovely surprise in the mail. My FAVORITE sister sent Darrin and I a package for our 20th anniversary. She lives in Germany, so of course, it was mostly full of wonderful chocolate, but it had other fun stuff, as well. She routinely sends things late (our anniversary was last month), so it's always an unexpected surprise.

Darrin, Jr. had a choir concert tonight, so we went to see him perform. He's way too cute--I'm such a MOM!! We got home around 9:00, and went to bed shortly after we arrived. Darrin was exhausted (maybe I'm wearing him out???), and I was pretty tired, as well. We talked for about 30 minutes about the things I discussed in the above paragraphs, then went to sleep.

Monday, March 27, 2006


I slept deeply, but awoke to the dogs barking at 3:30 A.M. They continued to bark off and on, until I arose, finally at 5:00. I was very tired. I did my morning routine, skipped my run again, and then wondered how I was ever going to get back on track again.

I took the kids to school, then came home and called the dentist--I lost a filling yesterday. They said they could see me at 11:30, so I practiced until around 11:15, then left. Since the dentist had a cancellation, they replaced the filling right away. The dentist missed the nerve and got the one that made my tongue and the back of my throat numb--I couldn't swallow. That was a little uncomfortable. He had to shoot me about five more times. I was SO sore when the novocaine wore off--but at least I won't have to go back.

I worked till around 2:30, then came home and practiced for another hour. My kids got home, and we visited for a few minutes before they did homework. This week for piano lessons, my students meet in small groups, so I only teach Tuesday-Thursday. It's nice to have the evening off. I went to the store to pick up some groceries and stuff for dinner. We had a lovely family night playing games, and then watching "The Incredibles" (kids choice, but one of my favorite movies--I love the soundtrack).

I fell asleep during the movie (around 7:30). Darrin woke me at 10:00 to go to bed. I was incredibly tired.

Everyone slept in today--except me, of course. And yes, I woke up still thinking, but considerably more at peace with myself. I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my counseling assignments. I got up and added to my blog, answered my e-mail, and finished my morning routine. The rest of the family started stirring around 9:00. I waited till everyone was up, then practiced for a couple of hours.

Darrin, Jr. left to chauffeur my mother to church, and the rest of us left, as well. We had another good Sacrament Meeting. After church we had choir practice (I accompany the choir), then I went home and made dinner with Darrin.

At 5:15 I was back at the church rehearsing. We rehearsed until 8:30 (I'm soooo tired!). Our pieces are sounding really good, and we have a wonderful time together. I got home, still thinking. There are some things that I've not admitted even to myself, that I must admit now. For about two weeks I have only been able to eat about one meal daily. Anything more makes me ill. That meal is very small. I've been trying to supplement with protein shakes and anything high fat/high calorie that I can find, but mostly, I don't. I'm starting to lose energy--didn't run again this morning. I'm not sleeping. My hair is starting to fall out (fortunately, I have LOTS, so it will be another couple of weeks before it's noticable). I'm getting dry patches on my body. I'm always cold. I'm getting desperate to find the thing that's bothering me and resolve it. I HAVE to get better. I'm starting to get scared, but I don't dare tell anyone. I really am a coward. And I am really, really tired of this.

Darrin and I went to bed around 10:30. I was asleep almost at once.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

C.S. Lewis is One of My Heroes

Every once in awhile I stumble across the writings of an author which really speak to my soul. Even though I may not agree with everything said, if it makes me THINK, I love it. Mr. Lewis is one of those authors. I began living with the chronicles of Narnia when I was nine. I can't count the number of times I have re-read the books. As I got older I branched out into his more mature works, and I have collected some of my favorite phrases/sayings. Because of the response to the first quote I posted, I am including some more C.S. Lewis here. See if you love these, as well.

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
--Answers to Questions on Christianity

"You must not do, you must not even try to do, the will of the Father unless you are prepared to 'know of the doctrine'."
--Surprised by Joy

"Poetry too is a little incarnation, giving body to what had been before invisible and inaudible."
--Reflections on the Psalms

"When you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all."
--Mere Christianity

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
--Mere Christianity

"We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship."
--The Weight of Glory

"[God] is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him."
--The Problem of Pain

"Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it."
--The World's Last Night

And this one was written especially for me:
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one...Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Ya Gotta Love C.S. Lewis

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of the wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives into temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because he was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means--the only complete realist."

C.S. Lewis, The Case for Christianity
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