Monday

5:15 seemed early this morning--and I'm an early riser!! I just couldn't seem to get moving. I did my morning routine, added to my blog, commented (of course) on the Cleaver blog, and hit the shower. No run this morning. I'm not sure why I decided that.

I studied for my exam for about two hours, then went to work. My mom caught me and asked me to drive her to her office. She's excited because her driver's license has been reinstated. After today she can drive again. I took her and went back to work.

At 1:00 I went to the school and did some more library training with the new volunteer. The school is advertising (finally) for a full-time librarian for next year. I'm so glad. I'm going to help with ordering and year-end inventory, and then I won't be back.

David's oldest sister, L, had a baby this morning. David is an uncle, Annie is an aunt. I had the honor of being the baby's first visitor. He's beautiful--he has tons of long, light brown hair, and will have blue eyes. I got to hold him for almost 30 minutes before his uncles and aunts came to see him. I hugged L, congratulated her, and told the aunts and uncles how gorgeous the new nephew was. I hugged Annie and whispered, "You're an AUNT!! How exciting!!" She giggled, and I stepped out of the room.

Okay, time for ancient history. I was told when I was quite young that I'd probably not be able to get pregnant. Because of the trauma my reproductive system sustained during because of my abuse, my periods were sporadic (three to four times annually), and it seemed that I was not ovulating at all. So I never planned to have children. Given my SSA complications and past abuse, it really was not a problem to me. I have NEVER been a real "baby" person. When I found out I was pregnant with DJ, I was so surprised. I didn't know what to feel. I was totally unprepared. We had been married four years--now we were pregnant with a baby we hadn't counted on. I went through much emotional stress as I tried to prepare to be a mom. DJ was a very complicated, premature, posterior birth. The doctor was drunk. The birth was so traumatic that I was unable to walk for two days following delivery. DJ had to stay in the hospital for a week to recover from his birth and from jaundice. He was a high forceps delivery and I had so many stitches I couldn't sit for more than a week. Needless to say, bonding with my baby was very difficult. We were both in terrible shape for nearly a month. Following his birth, I started to grow tumors in my bladder. They were always composed of different materials--lymph glands, membranal tissue, skin...and they were always benign, they were always painful. But nothing seemed to stop them from growing. After the fourth one was removed we started aggressive chemo-therapy to see if they could be stopped. It was miserable. For three years I underwent various therapies. Finally, I said I wanted to stop. I changed my diet drastically, and prayed. Miraculously, I have had no tumors since. Six weeks after my last chemo treatment, I found out I was pregnant again. I was petrified. I didn't ever want to have another baby. I never wanted to go through the pain I had experienced with DJ. I was already afraid of doctors, pelvic exams, all that stuff, because of my past abuse, and I didn't want another baby. I went to a clinic suggested by my older (nurse) sister, and found a young woman doctor who listened to my fears and promised to help me through this. I never show when I'm pregnant--which is weird because I'm small, but so are my babies. I don't wear maternity clothes, maybe because my babies have all been born before 36 weeks. I went into premature labor with Adam in October. He was due February 14th. He was born January 9th. The doctor was true to her word. She made sure I had a very good epidural (I had NOTHING when DJ was born), and cranked it up so high I swear, I couldn't even feel my eybrows. The birth was quick, easy, painless, and Adam was beautiful. It was a wonderful experience. I guess because it took so long for us to get pregnant with the boys, we probably weren't being as careful as a normal couple would be, because six months later, I was pregnant with Tabitha. I was in pre-term labor with her by week 12. She was born 6 1/2 weeks early, just under 5 pounds. She had legs the size of my index finger, and NO buttocks. Her legs just went up to a tiny crack--she had no body fat. But she was healthy, and developed normally.

Why the walk down memory lane? Well, all my babies were surprises--good ones! But I have never TRIED to get pregnant, never WANTED to have a baby. As I held that beautiful baby today, for the first time in my life, I felt the desire to have a baby. I know I shouldn't. I know the risks, especially with my past pregnancies, and my age. I'm not planning to act on the compulsion. I just thought it was so weird that I would feel that as I held him. He was so perfect, so sweet. I walked out of the hospital, got into my car, and wept. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS?????

I picked up Tabitha and Adam from school, dropped them at home, and went to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. I made sloppy joe's, asparagus, and grapes for dinner. DJ was at the library, Darrin was fixing the car, so Tabitha, Adam, and I ate alone. Tabitha and I usually split a sloppy joe. Tonight she asked for a whole one, adding, "I must be growing. I think I eat more than you do, Mom." Again, I felt tears coming. I felt wretched. My 55 pound, 11-year-old daughter eats more than I do, and she knows it. Carefully, I controlled myself, and forced down my dinner. DJ arrived home and ate.

I asked Tabitha if she wanted to take a walk with me. She eagerly said yes. We decided we would walk to Walmart to buy Dove Chocolate. I know this is a long walk, but I had no idea how far it really was. It took us 90 minutes to get to the store. We bought the chocolate and walked home. We got home at 9:00--way past Tabitha's bedtime. This walk was a bad decision. Obviously I'm not thinking straight. After the kids went to bed, I got into the car and measured the distance we had walked--8 miles exactly.

I drove home. Darrin wanted to talk. Things aren't going well at work. He's concerned he might need to start looking for another job. He's only been at this job since March. I'm worried. We went to bed. Darrin was so tired. He fell asleep and left me thinking. Life just seems way too complicated right now. I fell asleep with that thought on my mind.