Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
The truth about all this grieving crap is that I know I've been in this process probably for many years--I just kept putting it on hold. So I suppose the only difference now is that I'm allowing it to continue, even though I really hate it. Actually looking at each aspect and noting how it affects me, somehow allows me to continue forward. I don't understand that, but it seems to be true. This particular stage comes and goes with differing degrees of intensity.
Anger is an extremely uncomfortable emotion for me. I avoid it at all costs. To admit that I'm angry, somehow, makes me feel weak. Therapist, Darrin, Jason, and Tolkien Boy have all assured me at various times that I have every right to be angry about what has happened to me, which doesn't change the fact that I still don't like the emotion. However, the truth is that I am angry.
Reasons I am angry:
1. My cousin betrayed my trust--once when I was nine, and then again when he lived with us when I was eleven.
2. My parents didn't protect me.
3. I felt helpless to tell someone what was happening, for fear of retribution. I was certain I would be punished.
4. I felt unloved and worthless.
5. I had more pain than I knew how to deal with--and no source of comfort.
6. I didn't understand what was happening--or why.
7. The only way I could think of to cope with my pain was to add more pain to that--to cut and to stop eating.
8. Even today, I feel certain that if people know that I have "indulged" in cutting, they will judge me. They will believe that I'm mentally unstable or stupid. They will not trust me or love me. I will become a freak in their eyes (I am not mad. I would to heaven I were, For then 'tis like I should forget myself. O, if I could, what grief should I forget! - William Shakespeare).
9. My cousin abused my 65 pound, immature body. My uterus was harmed in such a way that I could never carry my children to term. I had difficulty becoming pregnant. I have one pubic bone that sits higher than the other and a contusion on my tailbone as a result of trauma to those areas.
10. I have lived with fear of men most of my life.
11. Sexual intimacy has always been complicated. At times I have had to stop altogether because I've been so afraid--or I've allowed myself to close off and let the act finish--in essence the same thing I did when I was raped. This should never happen when a married couple is trying to express physical love.
12. Sexual intimacy still makes me cry sometimes.
13. I wonder, often, who I would be, what I could have become if I had not been hampered by fear and isolation.
14. I have phobias and PTSD. I don't want them.
15. Being angry makes me even more angry.
There are so many things about the whole situation that enrage me. And the reason I suppress this is because I find no outlet for my anger. There is nothing I can do to change the past. There is no satisfaction that would come from punishing my cousin. There is no good that comes of expressing this. It just leaves me messed up and crying and wondering how I can make this all right someday.
I hate this stage. I am not an angry person. I didn't ask for this. I don't want it. Can I please just make it go away?