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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, May 14, 2006


I slept till 6:30, but lay in bed, relaxing, until 7:00. I did my morning devotional, then got up to read e-mail, blog, etc. It's Mother's Day. My dad called to talk to Darrin at 7:30, and asked why I was up so early on Mother's Day. I reminded him that I never was one to sleep in, then woke Darrin to talk to him.

The kids came slowly to life, one at a time. Tabitha came to me with a home-made card (very cute) and a package of black licorice. I happen to like black licorice--but not this particular kind. It actually makes me shudder. I laughed and told her how much I liked her gift (am I going to Hell for lying?), and gave her a hug. She went back upstairs, smiling to make me some breakfast. She wanted to make oatmeal. I'm back in my old "I hate food today" feeling, so I suggested she make one serving and we could split it. She's not a terribly big eater. I divided the serving, giving her about 2/3 of it, then ate the remainder. She was pretty happy that she'd made us breakfast.

Adam came downstairs. He'd made me a CD of his favorite songs and a computer card. I thanked him and said I'd be sure to listen to it later, but it was time to get ready for church. We all got ready to go. Just before we left DJ gave me his gift--a CD of the All American Rejects. All gifts from the heart, that's for sure. It's interesting to me that Adam and DJ perceive me as someone who appreciates their music. I don't listen to it for fun, but I do screen it for them, because we try to avoid explicit lyrics and language. If I was suspicious, I'd say they were getting me gifts they could borrow later, except that they bought me copies of stuff they already own. They're funny.

We left for church. I hate Mother's Day programs. I think I'm an alright mom, but I'm not the Mother of the Year. I don't do all those things other moms do. I just love my kids and try to help them succeed in life. All the crap about self-sacrificing moms just bugs me--and the truth is, I don't even WANT to be a mom like that. I just want to be real, who I am, whatever that means.

I had to teach the young women today. It was good to meet with them and talk about God. Today, especially, it was soothing to my soul. They told me they love me, and today, it doesn't even matter whether or not it's true. I needed to hear that.

When we got home, Darrin was there and had fixed dinner for us (his ward meets 2 hours prior to ours). We ate together. I refused to analyze whether or not I wanted the food, I just ate it. Then we cleaned up and went to my parents' house to visit and give my mom her gifts/cards. We stayed until 7:30.

When we got home, the kids got showered and ready for bed. I spent some time cleaning out my closet. It seems pointless to keep saving clothes that are too big. I filled two large trash bags with clothes I can no longer wear. I thought how so many women would love such a chore. For me, it just reminds me that I got to where I am because of pain and control issues. It just makes me sad. I wonder if life will ever be "normal" again. Part of me hopes that David will do what he said and "call it quits" with us, because I'm tired, and I think I really need a break from him. Part of me is glad I took the steps I did to work through the misery of past abuse. Part of me celebrates the new feelings I allow myself to feel. Part of me wishes the walls could still go up and protect my heart. Once again, I don't know how to feel. Will that ever change?

I stripped off my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. My body has become a symbol of everything I've gone through since December. I can see my running muscles more starkly than before. My ribs, hip bones, collar bones are all visible. They used to be soft, curvy. Not anymore. I look insignificant. I FEEL insignificant. I hurry to my clothes and put them back on. They make me look bigger.

Darrin and I tucked in the kids, and I messed around on the computer. I re-committed myself to eating tomorrow, no matter what. Then I got ready for bed. Darrin joined me. I hadn't said anything, but I think he knew I was feeling a little miserable. He kissed me, and just held me. I wanted to cry--there's so MUCH inside me trying to get out. But no tears would come. I just stayed there in his arms, and felt sad. Sometimes, Darrin communicates love to me in many ways, and tonight I had no doubt that he REALLY does love me.


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