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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, May 01, 2006


Today was an easy day, a relaxing day. I awoke feeling fully recovered from last week's visitor. I read, answered e-mail, thought about writing in my blog, browsed other blogs. Then Darrin woke up and I had a melt-down. It came out of nowhere. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I think all the stress from everything just came out. Darrin talked with me, held me, let me cry. He was really surprised because I'd been putting on such a good face for everyone. I guess the effort of not letting everyone know how I was feeling was just too much. Funny, it used to be second nature to me. Not anymore. I felt huge relief when I was done. Very strange.

We went to church. I was tired and didn't enjoy the service. I was glad to get home. The kids put lunch together and I fell asleep on the couch--I didn't want to eat. I think I'm out of sorts because I'm trying to work through all the stress I've been feeling. It makes eating really difficult. I woke up around 4:30 and decided to go for a long run. It had been raining for most of the afternoon, and still was. I didn't care. It wasn't cold and I love running in the rain. I ran for a couple of hours, and got drenched. Not much company out there for me, which was fine.

I got home a little before 7:00. The kids had dinner started. I finished it and they ate. I still didn't want to. We put the kids to bed for reading time at 8:00. I decided to make biscotti (double chocolate almond, of course). Darrin asked if he could make me something to eat. I know he's concerned, and I did promise I would eat every day, so I said yes. He made me some weird sauteed rice and peanuts (I have no idea what he was thinking), and I ate some--he ate LOTS. Then I drank some milk and we went to bed.

I'm feeling disconnected from feeling again. It seems that I'm really fighting this "feeling" thing and it trickles into every aspect of my life. I decided I needed to show him that I love him, too. He has been more than supportive. I have felt loved and cherished by him every step of the way as I've worked through the issues in my life. One thing I can never doubt--Darrin loves me. He is my best friend. I can't express the depth of my love for him.


  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 5:22:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    If you don't have detatch yourself? You remove yourself emotionally?

    If you don't have refuse to eat...because you DO have control over that? That hunger is a reminder that you do have power. NOT having control makes you feel powerless.

    Control and power? Domination?

    Do you see some things you might need to address? Do you see some things that you might need work on (to heal)?

  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 5:59:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    How do I work on this? Why am I so afraid? There is NO ONE in my life who would intentionally hurt me. There is NO ONE in my life of whom I need to be afraid. I am surrounded by loving supportive people who want to help me heal.

    Maybe I don't want to heal? Why am I still afraid?

  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 6:25:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Your abuse hurt you SO deeply that it is almost impossible for you trust again....(yourself and/or anyone else).

    Believe it or not....I understand your

    Keep searching....keep digging....your getting to the deep root(s) of your problems.
    Are you on the verge of a breakthrough?

    Your asking some really good questions.


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