Sunday
Today was an easy day, a relaxing day. I awoke feeling fully recovered from last week's visitor. I read, answered e-mail, thought about writing in my blog, browsed other blogs. Then Darrin woke up and I had a melt-down. It came out of nowhere. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I think all the stress from everything just came out. Darrin talked with me, held me, let me cry. He was really surprised because I'd been putting on such a good face for everyone. I guess the effort of not letting everyone know how I was feeling was just too much. Funny, it used to be second nature to me. Not anymore. I felt huge relief when I was done. Very strange.
We went to church. I was tired and didn't enjoy the service. I was glad to get home. The kids put lunch together and I fell asleep on the couch--I didn't want to eat. I think I'm out of sorts because I'm trying to work through all the stress I've been feeling. It makes eating really difficult. I woke up around 4:30 and decided to go for a long run. It had been raining for most of the afternoon, and still was. I didn't care. It wasn't cold and I love running in the rain. I ran for a couple of hours, and got drenched. Not much company out there for me, which was fine.
I got home a little before 7:00. The kids had dinner started. I finished it and they ate. I still didn't want to. We put the kids to bed for reading time at 8:00. I decided to make biscotti (double chocolate almond, of course). Darrin asked if he could make me something to eat. I know he's concerned, and I did promise I would eat every day, so I said yes. He made me some weird sauteed rice and peanuts (I have no idea what he was thinking), and I ate some--he ate LOTS. Then I drank some milk and we went to bed.
I'm feeling disconnected from feeling again. It seems that I'm really fighting this "feeling" thing and it trickles into every aspect of my life. I decided I needed to show him that I love him, too. He has been more than supportive. I have felt loved and cherished by him every step of the way as I've worked through the issues in my life. One thing I can never doubt--Darrin loves me. He is my best friend. I can't express the depth of my love for him.
Today was an easy day, a relaxing day. I awoke feeling fully recovered from last week's visitor. I read, answered e-mail, thought about writing in my blog, browsed other blogs. Then Darrin woke up and I had a melt-down. It came out of nowhere. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I think all the stress from everything just came out. Darrin talked with me, held me, let me cry. He was really surprised because I'd been putting on such a good face for everyone. I guess the effort of not letting everyone know how I was feeling was just too much. Funny, it used to be second nature to me. Not anymore. I felt huge relief when I was done. Very strange.
We went to church. I was tired and didn't enjoy the service. I was glad to get home. The kids put lunch together and I fell asleep on the couch--I didn't want to eat. I think I'm out of sorts because I'm trying to work through all the stress I've been feeling. It makes eating really difficult. I woke up around 4:30 and decided to go for a long run. It had been raining for most of the afternoon, and still was. I didn't care. It wasn't cold and I love running in the rain. I ran for a couple of hours, and got drenched. Not much company out there for me, which was fine.
I got home a little before 7:00. The kids had dinner started. I finished it and they ate. I still didn't want to. We put the kids to bed for reading time at 8:00. I decided to make biscotti (double chocolate almond, of course). Darrin asked if he could make me something to eat. I know he's concerned, and I did promise I would eat every day, so I said yes. He made me some weird sauteed rice and peanuts (I have no idea what he was thinking), and I ate some--he ate LOTS. Then I drank some milk and we went to bed.
I'm feeling disconnected from feeling again. It seems that I'm really fighting this "feeling" thing and it trickles into every aspect of my life. I decided I needed to show him that I love him, too. He has been more than supportive. I have felt loved and cherished by him every step of the way as I've worked through the issues in my life. One thing I can never doubt--Darrin loves me. He is my best friend. I can't express the depth of my love for him.
posted by Samantha @ 4:34 PM
1 Comments:
At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 5:59:00 AM,
Samantha said…
How do I work on this? Why am I so afraid? There is NO ONE in my life who would intentionally hurt me. There is NO ONE in my life of whom I need to be afraid. I am surrounded by loving supportive people who want to help me heal.
Maybe I don't want to heal? Why am I still afraid?
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