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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Monday

I woke to ice on the car windows and immediately postponed my run until the sun came out. I posted on my blog, visited others, answered email, did my devotional--all the usual stuff. I helped the kids get ready for school and drove them there. Then I came home and wrote a very LONG blog entry full of my stupid feelings that don't make any sense and that make me CRAZY!! I didn't feel better when I was done, so I went for a very long run. I ran for about 2 hours. I still didn't feel any better. I'm really not sure what the purpose of all this feeling stuff is about!! Life was so nice and compartmentalized last year. Everyone involved in my supposed "healing" keeps telling me how much better life will be now, how much more happy I can be with all these new feelings. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!!!! Life is more confusing. Life is more depressing. Life sucks, big time!!!!

I moped around for about an hour, then went to work till 3:30. I came home and taught 2 make-up lessons. I was not in the mood to cook, so I got burgers/salads/baked potatoes from Wendy's. Then I insisted that everyone go for a walk with me. Darrin whined that he was tired. I was relentless. We walked about a mile and a half--pretty wimpy, if you ask me. We got home around 7:30. We had our weekly family meeting to schedule everyone, then the kids went to bed, and Darrin and I went to Walmart to get groceries and stuff. We got home around 9:45. I was SO tired.

I checked e-mail. David wrote a short one, asking about something we had talked about a couple of weeks ago. I answered his e-mail and a couple of others, then went to bed. I don't remember falling asleep. I don't remember Darrin joining me. I just crashed.

7 Comments:

  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 5:26:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Again....it' control.

    Most people would feel a sense of freedom and relief when they expose/release their fears/thoughts/feelings/etc.

    I see where you feel out of control. You let the demons out and you have no control over them. As long as you kept them bottled up....you had control.

    You are still trying to control something that you have NO control over.

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 6:10:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I know...you're right. Add to that a whole lot of denial. I don't like the fact that I feel all this negative stuff. I really want to ignore it--pretend it's not there. I can't ignore it anymore.

    If I release my demons, I have to fight them. Because I am afraid of them, I feel cowardly, weak. I don't know how to fight them.

    How can I win this battle? I am at war with myself. How do I become whole? How do I heal?

    Is it about trusting the people who love me? Is it about faith in God? Is it about believing that someday, I really can have peace?

    I have too many questions. I have no answers.

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 6:21:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    You can't talk this way with your counselor? You can't share/explore this in that environment?

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 7:15:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I wish I could. I don't feel safe talking to her. I don't trust her. She doesn't always listen, and she never follows up. I often feel that I'm wasting my time.

    However, there is a degree of accountbility in seeing her--especially when it comes to the eating disorder. And I HAVE made some progress because of her.

    It would be nice if I could talk to her. I think I would really like that.

     
  • At Thursday, May 04, 2006 5:04:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Does it help to discuss it here? Do you feel relief after posting in your blog? Since starting your blog.....do you feel like you're still bottled up?

     
  • At Thursday, May 04, 2006 5:52:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I think it MUST help, or I wouldn't keep writing--I don't do exercises in futility.

    Do I feel relief? Not always, sometimes I actually feel worse. But seeing the words--knowing they're out there for ANYONE to read--makes me feel less isolated.

    That "bottle up" thing doesn't really happen to me, because I haven't learned to acknowledge how I'm feeling all the time. If I start to feel it, I check out, emotionally.

    Ok, so let's make this personal... Reading YOUR blog has helped (I think because you have the courage to express LOTS of feelings, and I still have to fight the impulse to "cover up", even here), having comments and feedback from you has helped (because another's opinion--one I value--seems to help me evaluate my own feelings, and gauge my progress), feeling that someone actually cares has helped (and if you DON'T care, please don't tell me--I need someone who sees this side of me to care, in spite of what aspects of myself I reveal).

    Does it help to discuss it here? I think it does--maybe because it's more than a free write--because of you, it becomes an actual discussion.

     
  • At Thursday, May 04, 2006 3:22:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Make NO mistake....I do care. I care about you....your life....your family...etc. I would love to know that you're handling "life" in a healthy manner. I only wish you well and happiness forever.

    For someone who claims not to express herself....you do a pretty good job!

    I always feel relief after writing in my blog. I feel as if I reduced the pressure. I feel like I've organized (or compartmentalized) my thoughts/feelings/issues/etc.

    I am glad you have felt some comfort in my blog...in my raw thoughts/feelings. It's good to know this.

     

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