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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Thursday

I awoke today to the sound of a robin. Spring?? That means we'll get more snow in the next week or two. Usually mornings have me rallying--ready to go, motivated, alive. But for a little while now, I've awakened a little on the down side. Today was no exception, but I was feeling REALLY down. I wish I knew why I'm having such a difficult time right now. It's bugging me. I wish I didn't have to analyze everything, find a reason for everything, make everything FIT.

I realized that I'm feeling lonely, and THAT is a very new feeling for me. If I felt it before, I never allowed myself to acknowledge it was there. So I don't know if I did or not. But I'm feeling it today. Why? It doesn't make sense. I don't even UNDERSTAND the feeling--what does loneliness mean? I have people who love me in my home, friends across the street, family a phone call away...does it mean I need someone new? I don't know, and I don't like it.

I got up and posted my blog. And for the first time in awhile--no new email. That's unusual. And bad timing for someone feeling lonely. My mood got blacker. I re-read my blog and realized how self-centered I am. Everything is about me. Maybe I need to go do something for someone else. I don't know, my life is just kind of miserable right now, and I'm wallowing in it.

After guzzling a protein shake I RAN. I have no idea how far. I didn't have to drive carpool this morning, so I went as far as I wanted to--a nice LONG run. I got home in time to kiss Darrin good-bye and get the kids ready to leave. Then I showered and got ready for the day. I practiced for a couple of hours, taught some lessons, and went to work.

I got home around 3:30 for my last group lesson of the week. It will be nice to have tomorrow off. I finished teaching around 6:00. Darrin made dinner, which is good, because I was thinking leftovers were sounding great! We relaxed around the TV till bedtime. I was messing with a photo-editing program. I want to figure out how to layer photos--not having much luck, either. Maybe I need a different program.

Darrin and I went to bed around 10:30. Darrin wanted to make love, but I'm still feeling a little ambivalent about it. I told him I'm still feeling weird about my SSA experience of yesterday--but decide to try anyway. He was gentle and kind, and I don't think I've ever felt more loved. I have a VERY understanding husband. Do I deserve it??? Who cares--I'll take it!!!

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