Thursday
I awoke today to the sound of a robin. Spring?? That means we'll get more snow in the next week or two. Usually mornings have me rallying--ready to go, motivated, alive. But for a little while now, I've awakened a little on the down side. Today was no exception, but I was feeling REALLY down. I wish I knew why I'm having such a difficult time right now. It's bugging me. I wish I didn't have to analyze everything, find a reason for everything, make everything FIT.
I realized that I'm feeling lonely, and THAT is a very new feeling for me. If I felt it before, I never allowed myself to acknowledge it was there. So I don't know if I did or not. But I'm feeling it today. Why? It doesn't make sense. I don't even UNDERSTAND the feeling--what does loneliness mean? I have people who love me in my home, friends across the street, family a phone call away...does it mean I need someone new? I don't know, and I don't like it.
I got up and posted my blog. And for the first time in awhile--no new email. That's unusual. And bad timing for someone feeling lonely. My mood got blacker. I re-read my blog and realized how self-centered I am. Everything is about me. Maybe I need to go do something for someone else. I don't know, my life is just kind of miserable right now, and I'm wallowing in it.
After guzzling a protein shake I RAN. I have no idea how far. I didn't have to drive carpool this morning, so I went as far as I wanted to--a nice LONG run. I got home in time to kiss Darrin good-bye and get the kids ready to leave. Then I showered and got ready for the day. I practiced for a couple of hours, taught some lessons, and went to work.
I got home around 3:30 for my last group lesson of the week. It will be nice to have tomorrow off. I finished teaching around 6:00. Darrin made dinner, which is good, because I was thinking leftovers were sounding great! We relaxed around the TV till bedtime. I was messing with a photo-editing program. I want to figure out how to layer photos--not having much luck, either. Maybe I need a different program.
Darrin and I went to bed around 10:30. Darrin wanted to make love, but I'm still feeling a little ambivalent about it. I told him I'm still feeling weird about my SSA experience of yesterday--but decide to try anyway. He was gentle and kind, and I don't think I've ever felt more loved. I have a VERY understanding husband. Do I deserve it??? Who cares--I'll take it!!!
I awoke today to the sound of a robin. Spring?? That means we'll get more snow in the next week or two. Usually mornings have me rallying--ready to go, motivated, alive. But for a little while now, I've awakened a little on the down side. Today was no exception, but I was feeling REALLY down. I wish I knew why I'm having such a difficult time right now. It's bugging me. I wish I didn't have to analyze everything, find a reason for everything, make everything FIT.
I realized that I'm feeling lonely, and THAT is a very new feeling for me. If I felt it before, I never allowed myself to acknowledge it was there. So I don't know if I did or not. But I'm feeling it today. Why? It doesn't make sense. I don't even UNDERSTAND the feeling--what does loneliness mean? I have people who love me in my home, friends across the street, family a phone call away...does it mean I need someone new? I don't know, and I don't like it.
I got up and posted my blog. And for the first time in awhile--no new email. That's unusual. And bad timing for someone feeling lonely. My mood got blacker. I re-read my blog and realized how self-centered I am. Everything is about me. Maybe I need to go do something for someone else. I don't know, my life is just kind of miserable right now, and I'm wallowing in it.
After guzzling a protein shake I RAN. I have no idea how far. I didn't have to drive carpool this morning, so I went as far as I wanted to--a nice LONG run. I got home in time to kiss Darrin good-bye and get the kids ready to leave. Then I showered and got ready for the day. I practiced for a couple of hours, taught some lessons, and went to work.
I got home around 3:30 for my last group lesson of the week. It will be nice to have tomorrow off. I finished teaching around 6:00. Darrin made dinner, which is good, because I was thinking leftovers were sounding great! We relaxed around the TV till bedtime. I was messing with a photo-editing program. I want to figure out how to layer photos--not having much luck, either. Maybe I need a different program.
Darrin and I went to bed around 10:30. Darrin wanted to make love, but I'm still feeling a little ambivalent about it. I told him I'm still feeling weird about my SSA experience of yesterday--but decide to try anyway. He was gentle and kind, and I don't think I've ever felt more loved. I have a VERY understanding husband. Do I deserve it??? Who cares--I'll take it!!!
posted by Samantha @ 5:41 AM
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