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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Ghosts of the Past

As I was out driving this morning I passed a jogger. I was in a school zone, so I had to go VERY slowly, so I had ample time to observe/watch/ogle this very beautiful jogger. She was GORGEOUS!!! Tall, long blonde hair, perfect build, beautiful legs, rhythmic stride.... Suddenly I realized that for the first time in many, many years, I was experiencing longings I thought would never return. I wanted to run with her--to talk to her--to touch her--among other things... Shocked and dismayed, I drove home. But I couldn't get her image out of my mind. Am I REGRESSING????

So, once safely home, I decided it was another thinking time. This is not something I can just allow to stay with me. And I don't want it happening again. So I thought. For a long time I sat and thought. And I realized that this is the only part of my past that I have not relived during the past three months. I have revisited every significant (and sometimes traumatic) event, cycle, practice, and memory--except for my past SSA issues. I have allowed myself to feel all the necessary feelings needed in order to find peace and healing--except those connected with my SSA issues. I have relapsed into temporary self-harm practices, and felt displaced anger and hatred toward those I love--but I have not allowed myself to explore any feelings/events/issues involved with SSA. And I think, maybe, this was a mistake because experiencing SSA is a large part of my past, and has definitely shaped who I am now. It makes me feel empathy for others who have experienced or who are still experiencing those feelings. It makes me understand that weaknesses and trials come in all shapes and sizes. It helps me to understand that what is hidden is often more real than that which is seen. It makes me strive daily to become better, while at the same time acknowledging that I probably never will be.

So I have to believe that what happened today is a manifestation that I forgot something. I need to acknowledge that even if it doesn't haunt me today, there was a time when SSA was a part of my daily life. But just in case that's not it, I stripped down to my birthday suit and stood in front of a full length mirror. I admired the fact that at 39 years of age, I still look pretty darn terrific!! I'll never be a tall, blonde beauty. But all in all, I'm doing all right--and I don't need a beautiful woman to make me more than what I already am. My body tells the story of my life--it's a monument to me.

I'm hoping today's event is simply a part of the healing cycle I'm experiencing and that "this, too, shall pass." If not, well, I've got my work cut out for me, but I'll make it through this, as well. Feelings are an interesting phenomenon. So in the interest of good mental/emotional health, I'm giving myself permission to feel those feelings of attraction for a perfect (and perfectly beautiful) stranger. And I'm forgiving myself for experiencing them--and hoping I'll move on. Will this do the trick? Time will tell.

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