Questions--Day One

me: These are Therapist's ground rules:
1. The questions must be answered honestly.
2. There can be no consideration of feelings.
3. It doesn't matter what I think. The truth is what I'm supposed to find--and I'm tougher than I look.
4. This is research/fact gathering. All emotions are on hold.
Tolkien Boy: All right. That seems reasonable.
me: We'll start with the first question on his list. Then I'll decide if I want to go further.
Tolkien Boy: All right.
me: Background: Therapist and I had a rather jarring disagreement when he posed these questions to me. I had several answers that he said were "crap". I insisted I was right. He said we'd both know the answers if I asked the people in question.
Tolkien Boy: Okay.
me: His first question to me: Why do you think TB came with you to see your cousin? Since he nullified my answer, I'm asking you -- why did you come with me?
Tolkien Boy: Because you shouldn't have to do such a huge and scary thing alone. I wanted to be there so I could help you if you needed it, and protect you if you needed it, too. I wanted you to be as safe as possible and supported as possible, too.
me: Why?
Tolkien Boy: Because you're my friend and I love you, and I don't want someone I love getting hurt or being afraid.
me: Do I seem as though I need protection and support?(I'm asking your opinion, not questioning your motives)
Tolkien Boy: Hmmm. That's an interesting question. I would say that personality-wise, you don't. You're not the sort of person who is needy, for example. But, I guess my belief was that I could be a support and a protection of sorts, and because I thought it was possible to ease the burden a little, I wanted to. Because of the situation. I wouldn't want anyone to have to do that without a friend nearby.
me: Did you feel compelled to stay with me afterward? Emotionally or otherwise?
Tolkien Boy: Can you define "compelled" in the context of your question?
me: As in, not necessarily what you would choose, but compelled because you saw a person in need, and felt that it was the right thing to do.
Tolkien Boy: I stayed because I love being with you, and I wanted to be there to help you because you were sad. I didn't feel like you were tricking me into staying, nor that I was only staying because it was the right thing to do. I didn't think about what was right and what was wrong, because what I wanted to do was stay with you, and so I did that.
me: This is the truth?
Tolkien Boy: And nothing but.
me: Therapist is right. I'm cynical beyond what is reasonable.
Tolkien Boy: Or, perhaps, have difficulty believing people love you?
me: He says that's the last step. He says that's one reason why I can't accept the atonement. He says I don't believe that anyone really loves me, and I make excuses for them to not love me. He says it's time for me to rethink that behavior and figure out why it's not helpful. I don't want to.
Tolkien Boy: Why not?
me: I think because if I always accept that there is something unlovable about me, then when people leave it's perfectly reasonable, and there's nothing to get upset about. Therapist's right--it is crap.
Tolkien Boy: Well, yes. But perfectly understandable crap.
me: So if I set up the scenario last Tuesday, with TB being compassionate and caring, and me being pathetic and needy--then if something happens and TB disappears, I have my reasons for that happening, it makes sense, and I don't have to spend time grieving the loss. Therapist says that's what I've done with all the abuse stuff--made me the unworthy central figure, deserving of all that happened, so that I don't have to mourn any losses.
Tolkien Boy: Right. And I suddenly see why it's scary to let that go.
me: So, Therapist says I have to embrace a new scenario. I have to ask people about their true motives and feelings, accept that those are sincere and if a loss happens, allow myself to feel sad, to mourn, and to accept that. I think that's crap. He says no.
Tolkien Boy: I agree with him.
me: Maybe it's a man thing?
Tolkien Boy: No.
me: He says it's unfair of me to profess the reality of my feelings for others, but not accept their feelings for me. "Hypocritical", I believe he said.
Tolkien Boy: Well, that might have been a little harsh. However. He is right that it's not very good for you to do that.
me: Okay, I asked your permission to ask you questions, not to expound on them, so we can be finished with this.
Tolkien Boy: What do you want to know more?
me: Nothing right now. I have to think about the first stuff.
Tolkien Boy: Okay.
me: You were there. May I just tell you the thing that makes me more angry than anything else?
Tolkien Boy: Yes. Of course.
me: TB, he messed me up inside. I never could carry a baby to term, and then I dealt with the expense and stress of trying to keep pre-term babies alive after they were born--because of him !

Now he talks of having more children like it's the easiest thing in the world--like he's entitled--It's stinking not fair--and there's nothing I can do about it.
Tolkien Boy: You're right. I mean, you can make it so that his current wife divorces him...you can probably sabotage his career, even turn his family against him. But you can't undo what was done. And that isn't fair.
me: All right. I'm finished pouting. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.
Tolkien Boy: You're more than welcome.
me: I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for letting me ask my questions--for not being offended by them.
Tolkien Boy: I just hope you weren't offended by the answers.
me: I'm not able to be offended when in research mode. That happens later, when I ponder, if I choose to let it. I won't--there's nothing offensive in what you said.
Tolkien Boy: I hope not.
me: You said it was the truth. If that's so, then it's reality. I deal best with reality.
Tolkien Boy: I'm glad. It's one thing in which we're opposites.
I love you, Sam.
me: I love you, TB. Is it okay if I say I'm a little afraid of people loving me?
Nevermind.
Sleep well?
Good night.