Confused Again
When I talked with my sister on Tuesday I found out a number of things that are making me feel unusually emotional.
1. She knew I was being molested. She saw what was happening. She was nine. In her mind, I was grown up. She thought, because I made no move to stop it, that I was consenting. As an adult, she knew something should be said, but did not know how to procede.
2. She was never held or hugged by our mother after the age of 10 ( I believe I was 6 or 7 when I last remember being hugged by her). She longed to be held physically by our mother. I'm sure I must have felt the same feelings, but I don't remember.
3. Cousin David attempted to molest her, as well. She was afraid of him and ran away.
4. In her eyes, even as an adult, she sees me as larger and stronger. The truth is that she's six inches taller than I am and outweighs me by at least 20 pounds.
5. She is completely devoted to her husband and has always been attracted to him. In spite of this, she still feels sexual attraction to other women. The difference in our attractions is that hers are usually virtual (i.e. actresses on television or models in pictures) and mine are real people.
I'm not sure what to do with all this information. I keep thinking about the what-if's, which is completely pointless. In times like these I want so much to have everything taken away--abuse, SSA, sadness. There is so much futility in what I'm thinking and feeling.
I need to regroup and become strong again. I can't seem to stop being tired.
1. She knew I was being molested. She saw what was happening. She was nine. In her mind, I was grown up. She thought, because I made no move to stop it, that I was consenting. As an adult, she knew something should be said, but did not know how to procede.
2. She was never held or hugged by our mother after the age of 10 ( I believe I was 6 or 7 when I last remember being hugged by her). She longed to be held physically by our mother. I'm sure I must have felt the same feelings, but I don't remember.
3. Cousin David attempted to molest her, as well. She was afraid of him and ran away.
4. In her eyes, even as an adult, she sees me as larger and stronger. The truth is that she's six inches taller than I am and outweighs me by at least 20 pounds.
5. She is completely devoted to her husband and has always been attracted to him. In spite of this, she still feels sexual attraction to other women. The difference in our attractions is that hers are usually virtual (i.e. actresses on television or models in pictures) and mine are real people.
I'm not sure what to do with all this information. I keep thinking about the what-if's, which is completely pointless. In times like these I want so much to have everything taken away--abuse, SSA, sadness. There is so much futility in what I'm thinking and feeling.
I need to regroup and become strong again. I can't seem to stop being tired.
posted by Samantha @ 10:53 AM
2 Comments:
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 1:45:00 PM,
epadavito said…
It was really great to meet you as well - sorry though that we didn't get to hang out or anything...but it was nice to observe and see part of who you are....if you want a fun vacation to san diego, you're always welcome! (july will be great)
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 8:27:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear one: I do not know the answers for you. I have not known abuse to the degree that you have (not that it is a contest ...), but I have experienced it on enough levels to relate somewhat.
The sadness is real, isn't it? I think it is important for us to acknowledge that parts of mortality are very difficult to deal with, even given the beauty of the master plan.
A few books have really helped me lately. They are "Codependent No More," and, believe it or not, "Body Clutter." The second book is written by a wonderful and loving woman, Marla Cilley. I have had some real insights as I have read her work about how abuse affects so much of us. She writes without a lot of jargon -- she is quite personable, actually.
It sounds like you have had access to good people who can help you. I wish you the best in your journey.
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