1. She knew I was being molested. She saw what was happening. She was nine. In her mind, I was grown up. She thought, because I made no move to stop it, that I was consenting. As an adult, she knew something should be said, but did not know how to procede.
2. She was never held or hugged by our mother after the age of 10 ( I believe I was 6 or 7 when I last remember being hugged by her). She longed to be held physically by our mother. I'm sure I must have felt the same feelings, but I don't remember.
3. Cousin David attempted to molest her, as well. She was afraid of him and ran away.
4. In her eyes, even as an adult, she sees me as larger and stronger. The truth is that she's six inches taller than I am and outweighs me by at least 20 pounds.
5. She is completely devoted to her husband and has always been attracted to him. In spite of this, she still feels sexual attraction to other women. The difference in our attractions is that hers are usually virtual (i.e. actresses on television or models in pictures) and mine are real people.
I'm not sure what to do with all this information. I keep thinking about the what-if's, which is completely pointless. In times like these I want so much to have everything taken away--abuse, SSA, sadness. There is so much futility in what I'm thinking and feeling.
I need to regroup and become strong again. I can't seem to stop being tired.