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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, March 26, 2007

I can't do this

Stupid Therapist says that the reason I can't "finish", in essence, hand my hurt to the Savior, is because I don't believe that anyone really loves me. When someone treats me with love or does something beautiful or sweet to help me, I make up reasons that those things were done, none of which have to do with love or friendship. I don't believe it's possible to love me or remain friends with me--that's what he says. And he also says that spreads to my relationship with the Savior--I don't believe he can love me either.

Therapist gave me a list of questions to ask people close to me, and I tried it. It's stupid. I hate it. It makes me feel even more vulnerable and afraid, and I just want everyone to go away and I want to be alone. I can't do this. I think it's better if people don't know what others think about them. I don't want to know.

So I guess I'm screwed. I have the guts to look my molester in the eye and make pleasant conversation with him, but I can't ask those I love to love me forever, because I'm terrified they'll say no, or that they never really loved me in the first place, and then they'll run away because I'm messed up and scary.

No atonement for me? That's the least of my worries tonight.


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