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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I started blogging. I had begun therapy. I was talking for the first time about myself and there was an element of relief in that. But I realized when I went home that everything was still a secret. I wanted the world to know that I'd been hurt, that I had a life, that I was gay...but I didn't want anyone to know that those things belonged to me. Anonymous exhibitionism?

Since that time I've come a very long way. Many people know who I am. Some have met me in person. Some have spoken with me on the phone or through the chat venue. I have announced from a church pulpit that I was abused. And at some point, perhaps when the repercussions won't hurt my children, I'll become more public about living with same-sex attraction. In the meantime, my life has been nothing if not interesting, and I'm learning more about myself (and about Darrin) daily.

Yesterday my therapist said that the real hero in my life is Darrin. He never questions me--even when I propose something as odd as going to lunch with a pedophile (although he does express concern). He allows me to do whatever I think is necessary and he supports me even if he disagrees with me. It's not easy to continue daily with someone whose life fluctuates from one crisis to the next. He does so with courage and grace and makes me feel loved and cherished in the process. He makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. I wish he could be home more. He makes me feel human.

Therapist also noted that the things I've worked out in my blogging have probably been more beneficial than our actual therapy sessions. I believe that's true because there are still things I hesitate to say to Therapist which I'm not hesitant to write, either here or on one of my super-secret blogs. After those things are written, I read them several times and think about them. This often leads to some self-discoveries I would not otherwise realize.

Therapist pointed out that I'm the world's greatest opportunist. As people have expressed interest in me, I've participated in dialogue with them through comments and chats which have provided the opportunity for me to gain immediate feedback on various concerns and issues. Therapist believes this has enabled me to accomplish things that otherwise would have taken much longer, and has also allowed me to begin to change my belief system about people and their actual feelings for and about me. I have to work on this particular item this month and have several assignments (which I find completely asinine) to complete before the first week of May.

My blog does not currently reflect the actual day I began blogging. This is because I change and delete entries often, and my first entries are all gone. Nonetheless, I wish myself a happy blogiversary. I think it is happy. It's been an amazing year.

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