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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007


I told Therapist that my issues with recurring nightmares had pretty much resolved themselves. The nightmare comes infrequently now, and I've had some really good nights of sleep recently. Therapist told me that he was so excited and took lots of notes. I'm the best Guinea Pig of the bunch. Then Therapist asked me what I planned to do next. I told him I'm already doing it.

I explained that I've contacted my cousin and will be meeting him for lunch next week. Therapist said that was " freaking awesome!!" Then he wanted details. So I told him why I was meeting:
1. I'm tired of being afraid.
2. It's time for me to see the human side of David.
4. David recently remarried.
5. David now has a 12-year-old stepdaughter.
6. I feel compelled to do this.
Therapist said those were great reasons and I was doing exactly what I should to resolve the issues left by the abuse. He said even though I wasn't actually planning to talk about the abuse itself, what I am doing is called "confronting", which basically means I am no longer afraid of my abuser. And that is completely untrue. I'm absolutely terrified of him. I can't eat and I don't want to sleep. Now I have weird nightmares with solo body parts and all sorts of bizarre things. I told Therapist this, he said he'd be worried if I wasn't afraid, and it was okay. Then he said, "Who will go with you?" I said, "What if I want to go alone?" Therapist said, "If anyone can do this by herself, it's you. Who will you take with you?" I assured him that I had someone already lined up to go with me, and that Darrin knew, approved, and was grateful for my friend's willingness to escort me.

Therapist wanted to know how I would present my friend to my cousin. I said I hadn't gotten that far, but I was thinking of not saying anything and letting David draw his own conclusions. Therapist suggested since my friend was male, that I make certain David understood the friend was known to and approved by Darrin. He said he felt it important that David know my marriage is solid and healthy. I told Therapist I'd think about how to convey that.

Therapist wanted to know how my emotional stability had been. I told him it hadn't been good. I expressed some frustration and anger about a lot of things I've been thinking about lately (I'm going to post one of those things later). He again thought it was "freaking awesome" that I was showing more emotion and anger. He said that means I'm finished ignoring everything and have become ready to address the issues. While that may be true, it doesn't make me feel better.

We talked about my feelings of self-hatred and inadequacy, and discussed my compulsion to cry after having sex. He said that's all understandable, and we talked more about how I have to go through this or I'll never be able to make it past the things that are hurting me. Again, doesn't make me feel any better.

I told Therapist I really thought this whole thing was completely unfair. I said I didn't want to have to "go through" any more crap. I think I yelled a little bit, which of course, was also "freaking awesome". I believe I made Therapist happier than he's ever been in our sessions, although I'm not quite sure why.

Therapist assures me that one day I'll reach the end of all this. I'll figure out how to live with it or how to put it behind me. He also says he's "so stinking proud" of my progress. He's just full of delightful catch phrases today.

I have to see him again in two weeks. He wouldn't let me bargain for a month this time. However, he also said if I feel things are going well, I can call and reschedule the appointment for two weeks later. I may do that.

On a different note, I bought a car today. I'm now the proud owner of a black 2005 Honda Accord with a very lovely bumper scrape. I'm superstitious about cars. I have to buy them used and with at least one cosmetic flaw. Tolkien Boy agrees with me that one must always buy used cars, "How else will you know if they work?"

Tabitha turned 12 and attended her first youth activity.

Adam wanted to talk with me and kept calling me, "Dude!"

I have to stop thinking or I'm going to explode.


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