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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Return and Report--Part 2

Okay, I think I can finally talk about this. Maybe.

Monday I drove to my grandmother's house (8 hours). It was actually a very nice drive. I cried most of the way. I'm a coward--what can I say. This is the grandmother that David and I share. I love her. She made me a wonderful dinner, and fussed at me because I didn't eat much. We talked till around 10:30, when I went to bed.

Tuesday I was up at 5:30. I ran for a couple of hours. I went down to the temple and made a few laps there. When I got home I said, "Grandma, there aren't many walkers or joggers around here." She replied, "Oh, that's because we have a quite a few sexual predators who live in the neighborhood." Thanks Grandma.

I left for Logan (cried all the way there) and spent a few hours with Darrin's sister. Then I left to find Tolkien Boy. We checked me into my hotel, at which point I believe I had a rather undignified temper tantrum. Thank you, TB, for not making me feel worse in my bad behavior. We went to TB's house, played Scrabble with his parents and I overstayed my welcome because I knew when I went to my hotel room there would be no one there, and I'd have ugly dreams if I slept. I think I finally left around 1 a.m. I went to my room and read until I finally fell asleep. I hate dreams.

Wednesday morning I picked up TB around 10:00 and we headed for Salt Lake. We ran an errand, and drove around. I think we got lost (TB was driving), but I don't know for sure. We couldn't find the designated meeting place. TB called one of his adoring fans who pointed us in the right direction. Good thing he knows so many people who know so many things.

We went into the restaurant (20 minutes late), and found my cousin. I hugged him (one arm). I don't know why. We ordered lunch. TB and David ate theirs. I played with mine. David asked why I wasn't eating. I said I wasn't particularly hungry. He suggested I may have eaten a late breakfast? I lied and said yes.

I have no idea what was said. I know I asked lots of questions. David's new wife is a registered nurse. He has "encouraged" her to not work. Imagine that! The stepdaughter is 17. I believe she's safe from David. David and new wife have plans to make more babies. Ick. David is having trouble with his teenage sons. Shocking. He made some odd comments to me. I ignored them, for the most part.

TB said very little. I was so glad he was there. I didn't throw up. I didn't scream. I was delightful company. I hugged David again (one arm) when he left. Then I walked out of the restaurant and leaned against the wall. I didn't fall down. I wanted to cry. I didn't.

TB took me to a park where we walked. I suggested I wanted to break something. He said we could go buy some breakables and destroy them. I said I was thinking more of the windshield of David's car. TB agreed that we could do that, too. Only we couldn't, because I have no idea what David's car looks like.

It's not fair. I don't care if I'm whining. I don't care if I sound petulant. I don't care if I'm having another temper tantrum. It's stinking not fair!!!

Amazingly, even after meeting the slimy person who touched me, Tolkien Boy was willing to hug me. I'm thinking he probably went home and took a very, very, very long shower afterward, but I'm still very grateful. I needed a hug.

I'm miserable. Now that I've met the reality of who David is, after all these years, I feel terribly guilty when I touch people. And I ache because I feel awful when I hug the people I love.

And I'm sad. I guess that's the bottom line. I'm just sad.


  • At Tuesday, March 20, 2007 11:14:00 AM, Blogger ambrosia ananas said…

    I'm very glad that TB went with you so you didn't have to go by yourself.

  • At Tuesday, March 20, 2007 4:01:00 PM, Blogger Loyalist (with defects) said…

    i think windshield smashing would have be quit appropriate under the circumstances.


    and dont fret I bathed earlier this morning. :)

  • At Tuesday, March 20, 2007 4:56:00 PM, Blogger Hirkimer said…

    It definitely wasn't fair.

    Is etouching ok?

  • At Tuesday, March 20, 2007 5:47:00 PM, Blogger Jason said…

    Your courage and strength amaze me. I mean it.

  • At Tuesday, March 20, 2007 6:08:00 PM, Blogger Master Fob said…

    I will speak for Tolkien Boy here, though he's probably already spoken for himself in private: He was happy to hug you. He thinks the world of you.

    As do I.

  • At Tuesday, March 20, 2007 11:27:00 PM, Blogger Stephalumpagus said…

    I find it incredible that you even had lunch with your cousin. I don't know if I would have the guts. Honestly, you are amazing. And I would love to hug you anytime you come to Provo. :)

  • At Sunday, March 25, 2007 11:43:00 AM, Blogger G'pa Bob said…

    My Sweetheart and I just went through a very painful experience with a person - he is oblivious even though I explained to him what he did and why it hurt her so much. Not phased in the leaset was he and mad at me for defending her.

    What's my point? He will eventually understand. As our bishop said (and anyone might have) "He will live to regret what he did."

    It does not seem fair that others are allowed to be oblivious. It is a choice they make thought and reflects on who they really are. And, in my opinion, is why we will live in separate places for ever (if they do not change). I like a balance of justice and mercy, and a full measure of peace and joy. Some like chaos (mercy for them and justice for others) and can live without joy and peace.

    It is painfull as can be.

    Pardon my rambling,
    G'pa Bob


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