Return and Report--Part 2

Okay, I think I can finally talk about this. Maybe.

Monday I drove to my grandmother's house (8 hours). It was actually a very nice drive. I cried most of the way. I'm a coward--what can I say. This is the grandmother that David and I share. I love her. She made me a wonderful dinner, and fussed at me because I didn't eat much. We talked till around 10:30, when I went to bed.

Tuesday I was up at 5:30. I ran for a couple of hours. I went down to the temple and made a few laps there. When I got home I said, "Grandma, there aren't many walkers or joggers around here." She replied, "Oh, that's because we have a quite a few sexual predators who live in the neighborhood." Thanks Grandma.

I left for Logan (cried all the way there) and spent a few hours with Darrin's sister. Then I left to find Tolkien Boy. We checked me into my hotel, at which point I believe I had a rather undignified temper tantrum. Thank you, TB, for not making me feel worse in my bad behavior. We went to TB's house, played Scrabble with his parents and I overstayed my welcome because I knew when I went to my hotel room there would be no one there, and I'd have ugly dreams if I slept. I think I finally left around 1 a.m. I went to my room and read until I finally fell asleep. I hate dreams.

Wednesday morning I picked up TB around 10:00 and we headed for Salt Lake. We ran an errand, and drove around. I think we got lost (TB was driving), but I don't know for sure. We couldn't find the designated meeting place. TB called one of his adoring fans who pointed us in the right direction. Good thing he knows so many people who know so many things.

We went into the restaurant (20 minutes late), and found my cousin. I hugged him (one arm). I don't know why. We ordered lunch. TB and David ate theirs. I played with mine. David asked why I wasn't eating. I said I wasn't particularly hungry. He suggested I may have eaten a late breakfast? I lied and said yes.

I have no idea what was said. I know I asked lots of questions. David's new wife is a registered nurse. He has "encouraged" her to not work. Imagine that! The stepdaughter is 17. I believe she's safe from David. David and new wife have plans to make more babies. Ick. David is having trouble with his teenage sons. Shocking. He made some odd comments to me. I ignored them, for the most part.

TB said very little. I was so glad he was there. I didn't throw up. I didn't scream. I was delightful company. I hugged David again (one arm) when he left. Then I walked out of the restaurant and leaned against the wall. I didn't fall down. I wanted to cry. I didn't.

TB took me to a park where we walked. I suggested I wanted to break something. He said we could go buy some breakables and destroy them. I said I was thinking more of the windshield of David's car. TB agreed that we could do that, too. Only we couldn't, because I have no idea what David's car looks like.

It's not fair. I don't care if I'm whining. I don't care if I sound petulant. I don't care if I'm having another temper tantrum. It's stinking not fair!!!

Amazingly, even after meeting the slimy person who touched me, Tolkien Boy was willing to hug me. I'm thinking he probably went home and took a very, very, very long shower afterward, but I'm still very grateful. I needed a hug.

I'm miserable. Now that I've met the reality of who David is, after all these years, I feel terribly guilty when I touch people. And I ache because I feel awful when I hug the people I love.

And I'm sad. I guess that's the bottom line. I'm just sad.