Counseling--I think there might be an end
I felt miserable when I got back from Utah. Monday was the worst day ever. I couldn't seem to shake the fact that someone horrible had touched me, and that somehow I was contaminated and would pass that on to anyone who touched me. I was cranky and miserable. Tabitha wanted to cuddle. I told her I was too tired and went to my room. DJ came to see if I was okay. He hugged me and tried to give me a kiss but I flinched away. He looked hurt and left.
Tuesday I was certain that I was not going to be all right again--ever. TB caught me being despondent online, called me on the phone, and assured me that I wasn't contagious. We talked until I had to leave to meet with Therapist. I had to meet him in a nearby city, and since the floodgates are now open and I keep crying, I wept most of the way there.
Therapist made me do one of those stupid surveys that assigns a numeric value to stress levels. I hate those. Of course, mine revealed that I was feeling stress--big surprise! I told Therapist about my meeting with David. Then Therapist asked me to talk about how I was feeling after meeting with my cousin. I told him David is slimy and horrible. I told him it made me sick to think how that person had touched me. Then I got very angry. I yelled that it wasn't fair that David messed me up so badly inside that I had difficulty getting pregnant and then was never able to carry a baby beyond 35 weeks (Tabitha only made it 33 weeks)--but that bastard of a stupid man was going to make babies with his new wife and I hated him.
Therapist said he was really glad I was finally expressing the emotions he'd been watching beneath the surface for many months. I wanted to hit him, but I didn't. I just cried and hated everyone in the world.
Therapist asked me if I was finally allowing myself to grieve. Actually, I think I've been doing that for awhile, but I'm finally allowing myself to express what I'm feeling, which, apparently, is important. I shut down and wouldn't talk. Therapist told me he was really proud of me--that what I had done was not only really courageous, but essential for my emotional health. He went through the steps of what I did to maintain control in healthy ways in setting up, meeting with, and leaving my cousin. This is what he said:
1. I made contact through email. This allows me to control what I will say and I have a record of it.
2. When given my cousin's phone number with a request to call him, I refused, continuing to communicate through email.
3. I accepted the offer of a friend when he said he would come with me. This was someone who was both younger and larger than my cousin, and even though there was no possibility of confrontation between them, Therapist assures me that any straight guy would see this as intimidating, which was not my intent, but something Therapist says was a definite plus (How about that, Tolkien Boy!! You were my strongarm man, and neither of us knew it!).
4. I arrived at the meeting place 20 minutes late. I didn't call or apologize. This was absolutely an accident. Therapist laughed and said it was perfect for setting up David for an unknown situation in which he would not be in control. I have no idea what to say to that.
5. I hugged my cousin. Therapist says I have an innate desire to help people around me be at ease. This helps me to maintain control of the situation and eases stress. The hug was a greeting appropriate for family members. It was brief, but still managed to convey that the meeting wasn't confrontational in nature.
6. I gave as little information as possible about TB. I didn't want my cousin to establish any tie with my friend. I didn't invite TB to join in the conversation (sorry if that was rude), simply because I wanted my cousin to forget him as soon as possible. Therapist said that was me being protective of TB, and trying to minimize any contact between him and someone I perceive as a threat to him. Interesting. I hadn't thought about that.
7. I remained in control of the conversation at all times. I answered questions briefly, giving as little information as possible. I asked all the questions and received all the information I needed to.
8. I did not offer to meet again. I gave one last brief hug and said good-bye.
So there you have it. My analyst's analysis of my meeting with Satan. And that's all I'm going to talk about right now, because it still upsets me and I need a break.