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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Fast Forward Rewind

It's all right if I'm more stressed than I ever remember being in my entire life, right?

Part of me wants to hurry time forward and get this over with--the other part wants to wait forever and never do it at all.

Part of me is angry and sad and frustrated. That part makes sense, I think.

The weirdness: there is also a part of me that wants to see David, a part that still misses the young boy I used to play with, a part that still loves him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????!!!!!!???? I don't understand this. I'm truly messed up.

TB is going to be heartily sick of me and this whole situation by the time next Wednesday rolls around. I whined at him till the wee hours of morning yesterday. Now I'm whining to everyone else. I can't help it. My guts are all twisted in knots.

Whose idea was this? Oh yeah, mine.


  • At Friday, March 09, 2007 2:38:00 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Have you ever read the play "How I Learned To Drive" by Paula Vogel? I love it because the playwright actually makes this child molestor human, and that's a really freaky thing to feel about a child molestor. As the reader, you like him and understand him (part of the time) and at the same time you hate him and are completely sickened by him. Which is also how the main character (the girl who is molested) feels. You wind up feeling confused and conflicted, but I think that's really a testament to how well it's written - that Paula Vogel can make you see that people aren't just black and white. And no, I am NOT saying molestation can EVER be an okay thing - it's just that I think the play does a great job of showing how the feelings that come with it (on the part of the survivor) can be conflicting. However, there are people who totally disagree with my take on the play, so...yeah. That's a really roundabout way of saying I don't think you're nuts. I don't think I'm doing a great job of explaining what I mean, but I hope you know what I mean.

  • At Friday, March 09, 2007 8:30:00 PM, Blogger Marmoreal said…

    And NO, there is nothing wrong with you. You saw the good in your cousin before he showed you the bad and your heart still remembers the good. The love you still feel for him is a bit of what it means to have Christ-like love. No matter how serious or how often we sin, Christ still loves each of us. He may be sickened by the sins, but continues to love the person. The fact that you can yet recognize the love you feel towards him despite the hell he's put you through is one heck of an indicator that you are more together than many people. Don't forget to take big, deep, slow breaths - helps calm the nerves :)

  • At Saturday, March 10, 2007 11:38:00 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Yeah, that's a WAY better way of saying it. I'm with marmoreal.


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