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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

To sleep! perchance to dream...

I have developed what I would consider to be a "friendship" with a fellow blogger who also experiences the SSA phenomenon--which is kind of odd, but no more so than if I had a pen pal. Granted, I only know what he tells me about himself/his life, but the same is true for him; he only knows what I reveal about myself. And I don't suppose that's any different from realtime friends, either. We usually only show ourselves at our best. However in a blog, because we can't immediately gauge the reaction of the reader to our words, we feel safer in revealing parts of ourselves that perhaps, in realtime, we WOULD NEVER reveal. Add to that the fact that a blog isn't necessarily written to gain readership or friendship. Oftentimes it's just a place to express that which is bursting within us--that which, socially, might not be acceptable to express. I'm straying far from what I was going to say, so I'll backtrack.

My fellow blogger told of an experience that he found a little horrifying, in which he dreamed of having an affair with a woman. I'm supposing that the horrifying part of it was the infidelity to his wife which the dream implied. While I understand that (I would feel a little guilty if I were to experience that kind of dream, as well), I find myself wondering why I've never had a dream about any man. As time has past, I've felt small attractions to other men, but nothing strong enought to be remarkable. I've been able to look at men and find them handsome, well-built, etc. But truthfully, I cannot imagine having sex with anyone except Darrin. And this would never bother me, except I know, because I've asked several of my heterosexual girlfriends, that it's not the norm. Most of them fantasize/dream about other men and consider it healthy. Some of them discuss their fantasies with their husbands (who must really have open minds).

I will admit that in the past, I've had dreams about other women. Those have become increasingly less sexual in the past 20 years, and I can't remember having any recently. But no man has visited me in dream world. Now I have to say, Darrin is the love of my life--I adore him!! But I also have eyes. He is not the world's most amazingly gorgeous guy. So why is he my dream guy??? I just can't imagine myself with anyone else. My friends tell me I'm way too weird, uptight, a freak, which is probably true. I would LOVE to have a heterosexual dream just to prove that I'm becoming more normal, regardless of any guilt it might spawn. I find myself wondering if my friend is experiencing more heterosexual desires, because HE is finding the path toward heterosexuality in his subconscious. Thank goodness he still harbors a penchant for gay porn, or I might feel there was no one else on earth as odd as I am. Okay, maybe it's not fair of me to bring him down to my level, but it makes me feel better.

On some level, I don't believe that I'll be able to say I'm free of SSA until I can find myself attracted to other men, regardless of the fidelity issues. Would I act on those attractions? Of course not!! I'd just like to FEEL them. I'd like to have the opportunity to deny myself of the desires that are NORMAL to my friends. I'd like to view the ENTIRE MALE POPULATION as the opposite sex. As it is, there is only one person of that gender I hold in that regard--Darrin. I suppose I should count my blessings. I have a beautiful marriage to a man who loves me and treats me like I'm the most important person in his life. He still tells me that after 20 years of marriage, I'm as beautiful as the first night day we met (and I don't care if it's true or not, I choose to believe it!!). He's my best friend. There is no one else whose touch I crave.

All that aside, I still find myself extremely envious of my friend's dream--and I want one of my own! The other man's grass is always greener...

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