How things are going--the truth

It's 2 a.m. I should be sleeping.

Many things have happened recently. For awhile things were on an upswing and I was making incredible progress very quickly. Then everything came to a grinding halt. Heartache and betrayal are a part of life. There's some of that happening in my own right now. In order to protect my reputation, because I am known personally now to so many people, I have removed any posts that might be harmful to me in any way. Those of you who have emailed, asking why, I thank you for your concern. My hope is that, given time, things will calm down and I will once again be able to use this blog as it was intended. If not, it has certainly served its purpose in more ways than I had ever imagined.

I will just say briefly that I didn't intend to make anyone worried when I started deleting entries--but it's kind of gratifying to know that there are people who not only notice, but also care. I don't feel that I can answer your emails individually right now--sorry. So in general, no, things are not well right now, but I don't expect that to last. I'm struggling (perhaps for the rest of my life, who knows?) with my eating disorder, depression, and the compulsion to cut again. I'm saying this because my impulse has always been to hide everything, to never say anything. I don't want to do that anymore.

Last week I posted a quote from Protean's blog: "Life is hard. For many people life is brutally unfair. I'd like to believe that death is the wiping away of every worry, care, heartache, trauma and fear that you experienced and carried through life. Death should be the complete safety that the nature of living never affords you." I posted this because it affected me deeply and for the first time in a long while, I found myself longing for a rest that only death could afford me. I removed the post because the intensity of that feeling left me feeling frightened.

Today is better. Granted, we're only two hours into today, but I'm not feeling compulsion to hurt myself, or wishing for death. Tonight I'm only wishing that I could sleep, and that I were not alone (Darrin is in Utah). Those sound like healthy wishes to me.

I'm realizing that I'm stronger than I think, and that I really can make it alone. For awhile my learning consisted of trying to figure out how to rely on others. I've done that now. I understand why it's necessary occasionally. But truthfully, in the end, I must rely on me.

In spite of setbacks and heartaches, all part of living, I'm going forward. There is no other choice, really. I have spent a year and a half dismantling myself. Now I will put all the pieces back together and return to my well-ordered existance. That's just who I am.

A sidenote: My love affair with Therapist is coming to an end. He will be moving away in a month. I have four to six weeks to figure everything out and be all better. Wish me luck.

Oh, and to those of you who have been concerned enough to email me: I appreciate you so much. There's something very healing in finding that people who don't even know me actually care enough to contact me and let me know of their thoughts and feelings. I will be removing this post, as well, in a week. Just thought I'd let you know.