Five Questions

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, back in September (because I just can't decide how I want to begin this post, so I'm being all-inclusive today), I met Tolkien Boy online. We talked about everything. He confessed deep, dark secrets and I made certain everything was saved in my Gmail for future blackma...I mean, reference. I tried to confess deep, dark secrets, but as I have none, that attempt fell flat on its face. However, I believe I should be given credit for trying. It is not my fault if Tolkien Boy has a life more interesting than mine, and there are definite perks to having a relatively boring life. I'm certain that it makes me a better listener, mostly because I'm fascinated by everything from the colors of socks to why people enjoy eating meat.

In the ensuing time period between once upon a time and today, Mr. Boy and I progressed from Google Chat to phone calls, and even met in person a couple of times which is really rather huge for one as reclusive as I (after all, I choose to live in one of the least populated states). It is possible that we communicated at least five days in each week. In spite of the fact that Mr. Boy has only lived 26 years, it is difficult to expound the details of all those years unless one is able to chat rather frequently. I believe that at this point I could successfully write a five page storybook detailing at least one aspect of the life of Tolkien Boy if called upon to do so, and since my lifelong pursuit has always been to become Mr. Boy's autobiographer, I consider the time spent with him not only highly entertaining and emotionally fulfilling, but it will one day be enormously lucrative.

However, it seems that after all this time and numerous conversations, Tolkien Boy has found that he has a slight interest in Samantha Stevens. Naturally, I'm a little surprised as my life follows a set pattern daily and as far back as I can remember (at my age, this is usually only one day), has never varied. But because I like him and don't want to discontinue our regular chats, I have agreed to answer his questions. I must say, I find the questions much more interesting than the answers, but that falls in line with the nature of my relationship with Mr. Boy--he is fascinating and I am simply the perfect foil for such fascination.

Mr. Boy's first question: You don't eat blue food, I understand. In Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, a girl becomes blue food. If you were to become an item of blue food, which would be the most terrifying for you and why?

My answer: I don't eat blue food because it doesn't exist. Even blueberries are actually purple. The closest natural blue food is blue corn, which I don't eat simply because it isn't widely available--but I still wouldn't eat it on principle if it was. Any other blue edible is artificial and therefore, not real. However, if a real food were to become a blue food, and I had to become it, I suppose I would find blue beefsteak rather terrifying. One would have to surmise that the bovine from which it came (of which I would necessarily have to be a part--a terrifying thought in and of itself) had been deprived of oxygen for an extended period of time in order to achieve said blueness, which seems rather unpleasant from the perspective of a steak. I believe I would really hate that, as I enjoy breathing on a regular basis. One might even say I take it for granted.

Mr Boy's second question: The people in charge of the National Emergency Broadcasting system have given you the opportunity to announce your own personal emergency, nation-wide. What is it?

My answer: It's rare that I have emergencies, and if I do, announcing them would bring me great discomfort. However, a personal emergency that always bears announcing is that of running out of toilet tissue when the need is greatest. And yes, I believe I need the entire nation's help when that happens to me.

Mr. Boy's third question: Dorothy Parker once said "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." Possible replies to this include "Men always make passes at Jacqueline Onassis" or "Men never get lasses who pass, passing gasses." What extra-clothing fashion adornment can similarly sum up your entire existence?

My answer: There isn't one. I truly mean that. Because I would really rather go naked than not, and I think I look much better that way. However, if I must choose something it would be a man's necktie. Anyone who knows me well, knows why.

Mr. Boy's fourth question: You have the opportunity to bring one extinct animal back from the dead, with the assurance that its being alive won't actually destroy all the rest of life on the planet. What animal do you bring back, and what do you do with it?

My answer: I would bring back the golden toads, which makes perfect sense considering that I am a witch, and witches love toads. However, I also love these animals because both the male and female are brightly colored--something usually reserved for males--and I believe females should be given equal attention always. Besides that, they are amphibians and I love all amphibians because they have very cute smiles. What would I do with them? Put them in my tropical flower garden and allow them to breed with abandon.

Mr. Boy's fifth question: There's a fire in your house. Thinking quickly, your children have evacuated. Do you fly away home anyway?

My answer: Yes.

I find it interesting that it has taken me nearly seven months of constant conversation in order to barely scratch the surface of the wealth of personal information about the incredibly fascinating Tolkien Boy--and I expect it will take years before I will even come close to comprehending the vast scope of the essence of him. And yet, in five simple questions, Mr. Boy has managed to find out everything there is to know about Samantha, and then some--how does he do that?! And the problem with this, of course, is that now that he knows all about me, boredom will set in and our friendship is over.

Therefore, I'm wondering if my one solitary blog visitor would mind if I ask five questions about him/her? I'm definitely going to need a friend in the near future, and I love getting to know people...what do you think? Will you play?