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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Counseling--still not the end

I posted the background in my last post because of its pertinence to my experiences a couple of weeks ago. Tolkien Boy and I worked together as I tried to get rid of my nightmares for close to two months. For me it was extremely hard work, and I hated the fact that I had to rely on someone as I tried to control my dreams. At this point the nightmares occur rarely, and are usually less real--more dreamlike.

I think I began planning to meet with David as the dreams became less horrifying. I was able to direct the dream in such a way that my cousin was stopped at the doorway of my bedroom, and sometimes he didn't come at all. Sometimes when left alone, TB and I played Speed. I don't know who won.

I suppose, after all the time I spent with TB in my dreams, the things that happened after the devil-cousin meeting were perfectly natural. At this point I have to say that what I'm going to relate will probably have a very strange feel to it. Once again I will say that I'm trying to put everything together, so in this entry I'll just give details, and I'll save Therapist's analysis for another blog entry.

1. Following lunch, Tolkien Boy and I went to a park. We walked around. I'm certain we talked, because that's what we do, but I don't remember much about what was said. I was a little stressed. The walk was nice, it was a beautiful day, but I kept feeling worse and worse.
2. I finally asked TB to take me back to my hotel so I could rest. I was toying with the idea of taking TB home and going back to my room to sulk and feel sorry for myself. Instead, TB stayed with me.
3. I'm quite certain I said a number of inane things. I probably ranted a bit and had huge moments of self-pity. I was still feeling disgusted that I'd been touched by the icky man I ate lunch with.
4. When I wound down a bit, TB hugged me and held me. I was so tired. I hadn't slept well since November, I'd driven many miles to get to Utah, I'd stayed up past midnight the previous night, I'd been through a stressful ordeal--I could go on, but I will just reiterate that I was exhausted and let that suffice.
5. I told TB I was really tired. We lay down on the bed and I went to sleep. TB held me the whole time. I have no idea how long I slept. I don't know if TB slept. All I know is that I was too tired to really care about anything. A couple of times I woke up. I had awful dreams. TB was there when I woke and I remember just going back to sleep.
6. When I finally awoke, we talked for awhile. At one point my personal space phobia set in and I moved across to the other bed. We talked some more--the phobia eased, and I went back to be by TB. For most of the time that we were in the hotel room, he was holding me or touching me in a comforting way.
7. We ate dinner, and I took TB home. Then I went back to my room, and read until I went to sleep.

That's all I want to post right now. Later I'll add what Therapist had to say about all this. But before I end this post I want to say something more: Tolkien Boy was born with a kind heart. At any time he could have left me. He didn't. He stayed when I really needed to not be alone. He wasn't afraid to touch me or hold me even though he saw the nasty cousin in person (maybe he doesn't believe that I'm tainted--or maybe just not contagious). The things we talked about were really helpful--and not everyone will fly down from Seattle for his spring break and spend an afternoon of that vacation with a friend while she sleeps.

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