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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


I awoke around 4:30, and got up at 5:00. I did my usual morning routine. I'm feeling a little stressed because I'm getting behind with my tax clients. There have been too many distractions lately, interrupting my normal schedule. I ran a few miles, then came home and helped get everyone off to work and school.

I put in about an hour at the office, then came home and taught piano lessons till 11:00. My mother-in-law kept calling and interrupting lessons. I told her I'd have to call back tonight. I went back to the office and worked till 3:00, came home and taught more lessons till 5:30. Darrin made taco salad for dinner. I asked him to take care of calling his mom. She wants to come visit next week.

I ran Tabitha to her activity at 6:00, then went back to work. At 8:00 my brain was fried. I came home, helped get the kids in bed, then went to the store with Darrin. We got stuff for Easter baskets, and groceries.

We came home around 9:30. The kids were all asleep. Darrin started talking about how I needed to figure out the problems in my life and "put them behind me." He just kept saying that, like I wasn't trying hard enough. He made it sound like going to the library and checking out a book--no problem, just do it. I was getting so FRUSTRATED!! I told him I didn't want to talk to him about this anymore. He knew I was very upset. He apologized, but then said he didn't understand why I wouldn't take care of this "problem." So I crossed the line. I lost it. I never yell, but I'm pretty verbal. I told him it probably DID seem easy to him. What was HE doing at night when he was 11? I'm certain no one was trying to force sex with him. I told him he COULDN'T understand, because he had NEVER hurt so badly on the inside that he had to cut himself on the outside to relieve the pain. I told him he had no idea what it was like to go through what I've been through once, and then to have to do it all again in order to heal. I told him I would rather die than to remember the next forgotten memory. I told him I was afraid, and that he wasn't helping. It was horrible.

I wasn't looking at Darrin the whole time I spoke. I couldn't. When I looked over at him, he was crying. I'm a beast. I never know when to stop. Sometimes I hate myself so much. Then Darrin made me feel even worse. He just pulled me close and held me. He whispered that he loves me, and he doesn't want me to keep hurting either. But he's afraid that he's going to lose me, and he wants me to get well. He held me most of the night--which didn't seem to disturb HIS sleep, but kept me from sleeping well. But I stayed in his arms, because I'm a coward and I don't want to be alone. I waited till he was asleep, and then I cried.


  • At Thursday, April 13, 2006 3:45:00 PM, Blogger sam said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At Thursday, April 13, 2006 6:21:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I heart aches for ALL your pain. I want to take it away from you. Darrin wants to take it from you.

    You must are from Mars and women are from Venus.
    Men see problems...and want to fix them. Women want to talk about them, analyze them, and just talk their feelings about the problem.

    I sense something else really bothering you and/or other things. It appears that you just snapped after you had enough.
    Marriage is taking the good with the bad. Don't beat yourself up over this outburst.

    It is true...for myself too....if we allow a little "escape" of some pressure periodically...then, perhaps, our outbursts won't be SO explosive.

    Everyone wants to see you happy and healthy. That's why everyone wants to "help" you.
    Your using food as a weapon against your demons. Food is not a weapon. Food is essential to our desire to live life.

    You are loved and needed by many. If you don't eat for it for your kids...for your family. They need you. They need you healthy.
    What will people say about you...about your kids....about your husband...should you die? Do you want them to be stigmatized and devasted traumatically emotionally? Do you want them to suffer emotionally the way you have? If you perish because of malnutrition...they will suffer emotionally. Granted, it's NOT the same as your issues...but it is STILL unhealthy issues.

    You shouldn't have deleted your venting post. It's part of the real you. No editing.

  • At Thursday, April 13, 2006 11:27:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I had to delete it. It made me sad.

    I'm thinking about the other things you've said.


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