Wednesday

I awoke around 4:30, and got up at 5:00. I did my usual morning routine. I'm feeling a little stressed because I'm getting behind with my tax clients. There have been too many distractions lately, interrupting my normal schedule. I ran a few miles, then came home and helped get everyone off to work and school.

I put in about an hour at the office, then came home and taught piano lessons till 11:00. My mother-in-law kept calling and interrupting lessons. I told her I'd have to call back tonight. I went back to the office and worked till 3:00, came home and taught more lessons till 5:30. Darrin made taco salad for dinner. I asked him to take care of calling his mom. She wants to come visit next week.

I ran Tabitha to her activity at 6:00, then went back to work. At 8:00 my brain was fried. I came home, helped get the kids in bed, then went to the store with Darrin. We got stuff for Easter baskets, and groceries.

We came home around 9:30. The kids were all asleep. Darrin started talking about how I needed to figure out the problems in my life and "put them behind me." He just kept saying that, like I wasn't trying hard enough. He made it sound like going to the library and checking out a book--no problem, just do it. I was getting so FRUSTRATED!! I told him I didn't want to talk to him about this anymore. He knew I was very upset. He apologized, but then said he didn't understand why I wouldn't take care of this "problem." So I crossed the line. I lost it. I never yell, but I'm pretty verbal. I told him it probably DID seem easy to him. What was HE doing at night when he was 11? I'm certain no one was trying to force sex with him. I told him he COULDN'T understand, because he had NEVER hurt so badly on the inside that he had to cut himself on the outside to relieve the pain. I told him he had no idea what it was like to go through what I've been through once, and then to have to do it all again in order to heal. I told him I would rather die than to remember the next forgotten memory. I told him I was afraid, and that he wasn't helping. It was horrible.

I wasn't looking at Darrin the whole time I spoke. I couldn't. When I looked over at him, he was crying. I'm a beast. I never know when to stop. Sometimes I hate myself so much. Then Darrin made me feel even worse. He just pulled me close and held me. He whispered that he loves me, and he doesn't want me to keep hurting either. But he's afraid that he's going to lose me, and he wants me to get well. He held me most of the night--which didn't seem to disturb HIS sleep, but kept me from sleeping well. But I stayed in his arms, because I'm a coward and I don't want to be alone. I waited till he was asleep, and then I cried.