Sunday--Happy Easter!
I awoke for the first time in about a week, without a feeling of dread. I spent the night dreaming confusing, disjointed dreams, but one was extremely clear--and Freud would have a field day with it! I dreamed I was riding in the back seat of David's car (which, by the way, my children have ridden in frequently, but I never have). He was taking me home from somewhere. In the front passenger seat was another person. That person kept changing--my husband, my father, my oldest son, and others. David passed the street where I lived and kept driving. I touched his shoulder and reminded him that he should have made a turn on that street. He became confused and turned off on the nearest side road to make his way back. The road became a dirt road with many small hills--the kind that make your stomach tickle if you go over them fast. I sat in the back seat and enjoyed the bumpy ride.
I told Darrin about my dream and he laughed. He said there was no question that David had been taking me on a ride full of ups and downs over the past few months. Then he said he was glad David had finally brought me back home.
I had to accompany a special number in church today (a different ward from my own), so I got ready and left around 9:30. Our number wasn't until the end of the service, so I sat with a friend and enjoyed the program. It was really wonderful. The service ended about an hour before our ward meets, so I went home and spent some down time with my family before we left for church. Our service wasn't as good. I wasn't very attentive as I was pondering yesterday's events. I was really feeling so much better emotionally. What a weird phenomenon.
Darrin had to stay after church for some meetings, so the kids and I made salads and went to my parents' home. My brothers and one sister were there, as well, with their children. Darrin and my father joined us and we had a really nice dinner (I ATE) and visit.
Around 7:00, my sister and I took Tabitha to Annie's house to spend the night. Because of my past, I am adamant about our "NO SLEEPOVERS" rule, but I know Annie's family, and I actually think it will be good for Tabitha and Annie to spend time together. Also, I'm trying to be more relaxed about some of the rules that I made when in my overprotective mode, so this is a good step for me. Annie's parents are aware of the abuse in my past, and realized that this is something I would not usually allow. They both told me they appreciated me trusting them with my daughter, acknowledging that this was a difficult thing for me to do. I went home reassured.
The boys wanted to watch "National Treasure", and since they have no school tomorrow, I let them stay up and watch it, while I posted entries in my blog. I haven't had the time or the inclination to do so in the past couple of days, so I got caught up. They went to bed around 10:00. Darrin and I stayed up and chatted for awhile. I am really feeling so much better. I really feel like my life has been returned to me. It's strange how my feelings that I HAD to be available to David, that I was somehow responsible for him, were making me stressed to the point of being ill. I'm certain that's just the last of many things that were causing me distress, but I am still very surprised at the relief that has come since yesterday. I really had no idea how tied I had become, how responsible I felt, how much frustration and distress I was allowing myself to feel in that relationship, and I am so grateful that David was able to say the words that would allow me to release myself from those things. I honestly don't think I could have done so effectively, without hearing him tell me he doesn't need me now. The psyche is very complicated and strange sometimes.
Darrin and I went to bed around 11:00. We were asleep almost immediately.
I awoke for the first time in about a week, without a feeling of dread. I spent the night dreaming confusing, disjointed dreams, but one was extremely clear--and Freud would have a field day with it! I dreamed I was riding in the back seat of David's car (which, by the way, my children have ridden in frequently, but I never have). He was taking me home from somewhere. In the front passenger seat was another person. That person kept changing--my husband, my father, my oldest son, and others. David passed the street where I lived and kept driving. I touched his shoulder and reminded him that he should have made a turn on that street. He became confused and turned off on the nearest side road to make his way back. The road became a dirt road with many small hills--the kind that make your stomach tickle if you go over them fast. I sat in the back seat and enjoyed the bumpy ride.
I told Darrin about my dream and he laughed. He said there was no question that David had been taking me on a ride full of ups and downs over the past few months. Then he said he was glad David had finally brought me back home.
I had to accompany a special number in church today (a different ward from my own), so I got ready and left around 9:30. Our number wasn't until the end of the service, so I sat with a friend and enjoyed the program. It was really wonderful. The service ended about an hour before our ward meets, so I went home and spent some down time with my family before we left for church. Our service wasn't as good. I wasn't very attentive as I was pondering yesterday's events. I was really feeling so much better emotionally. What a weird phenomenon.
Darrin had to stay after church for some meetings, so the kids and I made salads and went to my parents' home. My brothers and one sister were there, as well, with their children. Darrin and my father joined us and we had a really nice dinner (I ATE) and visit.
Around 7:00, my sister and I took Tabitha to Annie's house to spend the night. Because of my past, I am adamant about our "NO SLEEPOVERS" rule, but I know Annie's family, and I actually think it will be good for Tabitha and Annie to spend time together. Also, I'm trying to be more relaxed about some of the rules that I made when in my overprotective mode, so this is a good step for me. Annie's parents are aware of the abuse in my past, and realized that this is something I would not usually allow. They both told me they appreciated me trusting them with my daughter, acknowledging that this was a difficult thing for me to do. I went home reassured.
The boys wanted to watch "National Treasure", and since they have no school tomorrow, I let them stay up and watch it, while I posted entries in my blog. I haven't had the time or the inclination to do so in the past couple of days, so I got caught up. They went to bed around 10:00. Darrin and I stayed up and chatted for awhile. I am really feeling so much better. I really feel like my life has been returned to me. It's strange how my feelings that I HAD to be available to David, that I was somehow responsible for him, were making me stressed to the point of being ill. I'm certain that's just the last of many things that were causing me distress, but I am still very surprised at the relief that has come since yesterday. I really had no idea how tied I had become, how responsible I felt, how much frustration and distress I was allowing myself to feel in that relationship, and I am so grateful that David was able to say the words that would allow me to release myself from those things. I honestly don't think I could have done so effectively, without hearing him tell me he doesn't need me now. The psyche is very complicated and strange sometimes.
Darrin and I went to bed around 11:00. We were asleep almost immediately.
posted by Samantha @ 6:06 AM
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