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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Sunday--Happy Easter!

I awoke for the first time in about a week, without a feeling of dread. I spent the night dreaming confusing, disjointed dreams, but one was extremely clear--and Freud would have a field day with it! I dreamed I was riding in the back seat of David's car (which, by the way, my children have ridden in frequently, but I never have). He was taking me home from somewhere. In the front passenger seat was another person. That person kept changing--my husband, my father, my oldest son, and others. David passed the street where I lived and kept driving. I touched his shoulder and reminded him that he should have made a turn on that street. He became confused and turned off on the nearest side road to make his way back. The road became a dirt road with many small hills--the kind that make your stomach tickle if you go over them fast. I sat in the back seat and enjoyed the bumpy ride.

I told Darrin about my dream and he laughed. He said there was no question that David had been taking me on a ride full of ups and downs over the past few months. Then he said he was glad David had finally brought me back home.

I had to accompany a special number in church today (a different ward from my own), so I got ready and left around 9:30. Our number wasn't until the end of the service, so I sat with a friend and enjoyed the program. It was really wonderful. The service ended about an hour before our ward meets, so I went home and spent some down time with my family before we left for church. Our service wasn't as good. I wasn't very attentive as I was pondering yesterday's events. I was really feeling so much better emotionally. What a weird phenomenon.

Darrin had to stay after church for some meetings, so the kids and I made salads and went to my parents' home. My brothers and one sister were there, as well, with their children. Darrin and my father joined us and we had a really nice dinner (I ATE) and visit.

Around 7:00, my sister and I took Tabitha to Annie's house to spend the night. Because of my past, I am adamant about our "NO SLEEPOVERS" rule, but I know Annie's family, and I actually think it will be good for Tabitha and Annie to spend time together. Also, I'm trying to be more relaxed about some of the rules that I made when in my overprotective mode, so this is a good step for me. Annie's parents are aware of the abuse in my past, and realized that this is something I would not usually allow. They both told me they appreciated me trusting them with my daughter, acknowledging that this was a difficult thing for me to do. I went home reassured.

The boys wanted to watch "National Treasure", and since they have no school tomorrow, I let them stay up and watch it, while I posted entries in my blog. I haven't had the time or the inclination to do so in the past couple of days, so I got caught up. They went to bed around 10:00. Darrin and I stayed up and chatted for awhile. I am really feeling so much better. I really feel like my life has been returned to me. It's strange how my feelings that I HAD to be available to David, that I was somehow responsible for him, were making me stressed to the point of being ill. I'm certain that's just the last of many things that were causing me distress, but I am still very surprised at the relief that has come since yesterday. I really had no idea how tied I had become, how responsible I felt, how much frustration and distress I was allowing myself to feel in that relationship, and I am so grateful that David was able to say the words that would allow me to release myself from those things. I honestly don't think I could have done so effectively, without hearing him tell me he doesn't need me now. The psyche is very complicated and strange sometimes.

Darrin and I went to bed around 11:00. We were asleep almost immediately.

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