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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


I arose early, leaving my family asleep. No school for them and Darrin has the day off. I do not as the tax filing deadline looms on Monday's horizon. I didn't run this morning. As I hadn't eaten for a few days, it seemed unwise. I did my morning routine, then went to the kitchen and made a protein shake. I had promised I would eat this weekend, and so I threw in some strawberries, blended it, drank it down and ate half an English muffin. I took a vitamin for good measure. I thought I was going to lose everything, but was able to keep it down.

As I got ready for work, I spent lots of time thinking. Why can't I eat? Correction: Why don't I WANT to eat. Why is food repugnant to me? What is happening? I went over the last three months in my head. I thought about my family relationships--these are good, and getting better. I thought about the past abuse in my life. I feel at peace about this, I am no longer afraid of men, especially young men, I hold no more malice toward my cousin. I have some residual side effects of the abuse, but all are recognizable and manageable. So what is left?

David. It has to be David. When I first decided that I needed him to tell me that he no longer needs me, I wrote him an e-mail asking him to do so. He has never acknowledged this request. Initially I thought there was plenty of time to get to that point where we could talk about this. I realize now that I need this to happen sooner, rather than later. I talked with Darrin about this. He doesn't understand, and I'm not sure I completely understand either. I need to think about this some more.

I left for work around 10:00. I finished up a couple of returns and began my last corporate one. This one is an extension (corporates have to be done by March 15), so there's no rush on it. However, it is very complicated because the owner keeps sloppy books (sole proprietor) and I'll have to meet with him a couple of times to make certain everything is correct. I went home at 3:00, and ate a pear. Not a great lunch, I know, but all I could stomach.

I taught piano lessons from 3:30-6:00. Darrin and I went to get fast food for dinner (Mexican), around 6:30. We had a lovely family dinner, at which I ate two spoonfuls of refried beans and rice. I'm not having much success with the eating thing, but at least I'm making the attempt.


  • At Tuesday, April 18, 2006 5:11:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At Tuesday, April 18, 2006 5:42:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At Tuesday, April 18, 2006 4:49:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    It was NOT my intention to make you "uncomfortable." I am only attempting an honest friendship. "Honest" in this context is VERY ironic...wouldn't you say?

    I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I only want you to think...analyze....see things from another perspective.
    Just like you do to me (which I REALLY appreciate).

    Everything I said with Christian love and support for your recovery/healing.

  • At Tuesday, April 18, 2006 5:16:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Thanks, Ward, I appreciate your words.

    I have to admit, I never expected to find a supportive friend through my blog--and I think it would be impossible to be as frank and honest about many things we have discussed if we REALLY knew each other--honesty AND irony, here they go hand in hand.

    Thanks for giving me something more to think about. And I AM healing, I think.


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