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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Counseling Day


I think Darrin and I were exhausted after our highly emotional night. He forgot to set the alarm, and I didn't wake up at my usual "earlier than alarm" time. As the morning began to lighten, around 6:00, we both awoke and realized how late it was. I rushed upstairs and woke the kids (obviously they didn't set their alarms either), then did my usual morning routine (devotional, blogs, email)--minus my run--leaving the bathroom free for Darrin to rush through getting ready. Then I showered, got ready for the day (thank goodness it doesn't take me long), and took the kids to school.

My first student arrived at 9:30, and I taught lessons till noon. I went to work and finished up another corporate return and some 1040's. At 3:15 I had to go get the kids from school because my carpool mom and her family left today to go on a short vacation (there's no school tomorrow or Monday). We got home and I visited with the kids briefly. Darrin, Jr. left to play tennis with some buddies, and Tabitha and Adam just relaxed. Tabitha wants to arrange a play date with Annie again this weekend. I told her she'd have to discuss it with her dad, my weekend in shot.

I returned to work, printed off some returns and worked on a few more until 6:00, when I left for my counseling session. On the hour drive, I tried to think about what I would discuss with my counselor, how I wanted to tell her I was finished with counseling. In the back of my mind, however, I know I'm in trouble with my eating, and I'm unsure if ending my counseling is a good move today.

When we started the session, my counselor had made a list of everything she wanted to review. It seems that SHE is ready to let me stop coming or to come just for a check in about six months. I was all for that!! Then she started her review list. Most of the review was positive.

1. I've made it past the abuse, and I've even been able to forgive my cousin, which is a great relief. I've realized that I'm not the only one in the world who cares that I was hurt, that there are many people who love me, who also care. That feels wonderful.

2. I've discussed and worked on my relationship with my mom. She still makes me nuts, but she loves me, and she told me so. She has also tried very hard to make sure she shows love to me, I have to give her credit. And I'm not trying so desperately to make sure we only talk about "safe" things. I think our relationship is better, more relaxed. And I've been able to feel genuine concern for her recovery from her seizure, which is good.

3. My relationship with my dad is flourishing. He's been in counseling, as well, because my telling him about my past really devastated him. He was so sad that he didn't know what was going on in his own home, that he INVITED my abuser to live with us, that he didn't protect or help me. He told me that I MUST allow him to pay for all the necessary therapy because it was healing for him to be able to do something to help me now. We are working together to form a partnership in his business. We are doing well.

Then my counselor asked me about eating. From that point on, the session got ugly. I told her I'm still having trouble with that. We talked about how I'm probably substituting the starvation for cutting--another form of self-harm. She doesn't believe that there's something in my past that I'm not dealing with. She just thinks I'm compensating for losing the emotional control I've had for over 20 years. She asked when I ate last. I have not been able to eat a meal since Saturday. That's five days. In that time period, I've been able to grab something occasionally (a grapefruit one day, a protein bar or shake on another, etc), but mostly, I just don't want to eat. I lost another eight pounds in the last five days. My counselor turned monstrous. She told me I have to see a doctor on Friday. I DON'T HAVE TIME!!! Saturday is the tax deadline and I still have five major returns to prepare. Monday is my piano recital for my studio, and I have to make the schedule for our area piano festival and get it to all the local teachers before Sunday. WHEN am I going to see a doctor--and who will get me in on a moment's notice? She kept saying I'm going to collapse, I'm going to end up in a psyche ward, I'm going to have to go to an eating disorders facility... I stopped listening. It's too much. I can't cope with one more thing. After two hours I told her that I would make sure to eat over the weekend, then I would try to see a doctor next week. She told me I had to promise to at least call the clinic tomorrow and talk to a nurse about my eating problem. I said I would. But I'm not going to. I DO NOT have time.

I got home around 10:45. Darrin wanted to talk, but I couldn't. I just spent 2 hours talking. We both waited up for Darrin, Jr. I surfed the internet while we waited (no porn--good for me!), and commented on a few blogs. My son arrived around 11:45. We all went to bed. I was in bed and asleep before Darrin joined me--didn't even stay awake for a good-night kiss. I was very tired.


  • At Friday, April 14, 2006 7:21:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    This is interesting--I'm the first person commenting on my own blog!!

    Actually, this is for you, Ward. I assumed you were wearing running shorts--no underwear--which is the best for runners. I'm including a link to a great article with most of the information I was trying to convey. Since I wrote that last comment around midnight last night, under slight emotional stress, I realized that it's not saying what I want it to.

    You should consider spending around $35 for a good fitting pair of running shorts (I suggest a longer length). These will last a long time and ensure a more comfortable run. The cotton clothing I suggested, were for the interim of healing (everyday wear) and not necessarily for running. Sorry about being so confusing. And I wasn't suggesting you're not in shape--just that running shapes the muscles differently than weight training. Sorry about the unintentional implication. Again, I was tired.

    Anyway, here's the link:

    Hopefully that will help.

  • At Monday, April 17, 2006 5:05:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Sam, I left a comment under yours answering all your questions.

    I WAS wearing underwear...compression type boxer briefs. I don't think I can go without underwear (and keep a "straight" face....pardon the pun).

  • At Monday, April 17, 2006 5:31:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    If you don't make time to be healthy.....then you will make time to be sick.

    Not eating...starving your body...will make you sick.

    PLEASE think about what I said in a previous comment about eating and your family.

    Your not only hurting yourself.


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