Saturday

I awoke today feeling too tired to move. I know the lack of food is starting to kick in. I HAVE to figure this out. I called my dad and told him I'd be in to work--late. Then I did my morning routine, thinking. A run is out of the question. I can barely function as it is. I made a protein shake, took a vitamin, and decided to forget the English muffin.

While my family slept, enjoying their vacation, I sat and thought. I decided to use one of the counseling tools given me, so I did a free write in the form of an e-mail to my young friend. In it I outlined the stresses my relationship with David is causing me. I really felt that if we could talk, if David was willing to tell me he no longer needed me, many of these stresses would abate. During the writing I came to a few realizations, and everything suddenly became clear to me. I sent the e-mail, knowing that David was at a track meet and wouldn't get it till tonight. I asked him to contact me, and told him why, but I don't think he will.

Darrin woke up as I got ready to leave. I told him what I had done. He looked at the e-mail and expressed concern that David would be spooked by it, and wouldn't respond. I feel the same way, but am getting too desperate to care. In the e-mail I outlined two ways that I could cope with the problems I am experiencing. One way is healthy, but requires David's involvement. The other way involves reverting to the self-protection of my past and will require that David be absent in my life for a time. Either way, I HAVE to have resolution of the issues causing me stress so I can eat again.

I left for work around 10:30. I finished up some more returns and met with a couple of clients. My parents went to the grocery store around noon to shop for food for tomorrow's family Easter dinner. I'm supposed to furnish a salad. I was working after they left when their personal phone rang. We have a seperate line in the office which is in my parents' home. I NEVER answer their personal line, because I hate taking messages. But today, for some weird reason, I just did. It was David. He wanted to talk. I told him I was working--I was too surprised that he called, I thought he was at a track meet. I questioned him about that. He told me the track meet was for the top three in each event, so he didn't qualify. I told him I was a little swamped--tax deadline on Monday. He apologized for interrupting me (Tabitha had given him my number), but asked when I could take a break to talk. I gave in. After all, my time is my own, and I had finished everything pressing. I told him to come. Then I called Darrin and asked him to keep the boys busy for awhile. Tabitha was due to come to help my mom with housework, so I had him tell her to get ready to come over as soon as my parents got back from the store. My dad called as I was leaving to remind me of some things I needed to do. I told him I'd be back in a little while, but needed to go home. He was fine with that.

David was at my house when I got there. He was visiting with my sons and Tabitha. I let them chat for a few minutes, then sent Tabitha to my parents' house, and the boys and Darrin went to the garage to work on bicycles. David and I talked. It was very positive. He left after a couple of hours, taking Tabitha with him to play with Annie, and I went back to work.

We had leftovers for dinner (I ate a piece of pizza), then went to my parents' house to color Easter eggs, and make ice cream. Tabitha and Annie met us there and we had a fun family gathering with my brothers and my little nephews (they are all age 3 or younger). Annie's dad came to get her at 9:30, and we discussed letting the girls have a sleepover tomorrow (no school on Monday). We went home and put the kids to bed. I crashed on the couch again. Darrin woke me at 1:30 to go to bed--we both had fallen asleep. We crawled into our much more comfy beds and went to sleep.