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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


I awoke today feeling too tired to move. I know the lack of food is starting to kick in. I HAVE to figure this out. I called my dad and told him I'd be in to work--late. Then I did my morning routine, thinking. A run is out of the question. I can barely function as it is. I made a protein shake, took a vitamin, and decided to forget the English muffin.

While my family slept, enjoying their vacation, I sat and thought. I decided to use one of the counseling tools given me, so I did a free write in the form of an e-mail to my young friend. In it I outlined the stresses my relationship with David is causing me. I really felt that if we could talk, if David was willing to tell me he no longer needed me, many of these stresses would abate. During the writing I came to a few realizations, and everything suddenly became clear to me. I sent the e-mail, knowing that David was at a track meet and wouldn't get it till tonight. I asked him to contact me, and told him why, but I don't think he will.

Darrin woke up as I got ready to leave. I told him what I had done. He looked at the e-mail and expressed concern that David would be spooked by it, and wouldn't respond. I feel the same way, but am getting too desperate to care. In the e-mail I outlined two ways that I could cope with the problems I am experiencing. One way is healthy, but requires David's involvement. The other way involves reverting to the self-protection of my past and will require that David be absent in my life for a time. Either way, I HAVE to have resolution of the issues causing me stress so I can eat again.

I left for work around 10:30. I finished up some more returns and met with a couple of clients. My parents went to the grocery store around noon to shop for food for tomorrow's family Easter dinner. I'm supposed to furnish a salad. I was working after they left when their personal phone rang. We have a seperate line in the office which is in my parents' home. I NEVER answer their personal line, because I hate taking messages. But today, for some weird reason, I just did. It was David. He wanted to talk. I told him I was working--I was too surprised that he called, I thought he was at a track meet. I questioned him about that. He told me the track meet was for the top three in each event, so he didn't qualify. I told him I was a little swamped--tax deadline on Monday. He apologized for interrupting me (Tabitha had given him my number), but asked when I could take a break to talk. I gave in. After all, my time is my own, and I had finished everything pressing. I told him to come. Then I called Darrin and asked him to keep the boys busy for awhile. Tabitha was due to come to help my mom with housework, so I had him tell her to get ready to come over as soon as my parents got back from the store. My dad called as I was leaving to remind me of some things I needed to do. I told him I'd be back in a little while, but needed to go home. He was fine with that.

David was at my house when I got there. He was visiting with my sons and Tabitha. I let them chat for a few minutes, then sent Tabitha to my parents' house, and the boys and Darrin went to the garage to work on bicycles. David and I talked. It was very positive. He left after a couple of hours, taking Tabitha with him to play with Annie, and I went back to work.

We had leftovers for dinner (I ate a piece of pizza), then went to my parents' house to color Easter eggs, and make ice cream. Tabitha and Annie met us there and we had a fun family gathering with my brothers and my little nephews (they are all age 3 or younger). Annie's dad came to get her at 9:30, and we discussed letting the girls have a sleepover tomorrow (no school on Monday). We went home and put the kids to bed. I crashed on the couch again. Darrin woke me at 1:30 to go to bed--we both had fallen asleep. We crawled into our much more comfy beds and went to sleep.


  • At Sunday, April 16, 2006 11:56:00 PM, Blogger sam said…

    Samantha, you're making me nervous. I'm hoping you'll find the means to become healthy again. I know I'm crass and egotistical, but I'll miss you if you can't keep writing your daily entries.

    I really am concerned. Maybe you SHOULD have let your counselor check you into a psyche ward? At least there someone could take care of YOU. You're so caught up in taking care of everyone else, maybe it's time you got some TLC.

  • At Tuesday, April 18, 2006 6:14:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    No, I won't go to a psyche ward. That's TLC I DON'T need.

    Thanks for your concern.

    Things are getting better, slowly, but surely.

  • At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 5:09:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I am amazed and happy for your support system....i.e. Darrin. How wonderful it must be to be totally honest with him and have his love and support.

    I am envious.

  • At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 6:00:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    You're right, it IS wonderful to have Darrin's support, and to be able to talk to him about all that is currently happening to me. I also appreciate the fact that he respects my privacy and doesn't read my blog. For him, that would be WAY too much information.

    One of the reasons we're so close is because we never let each other forget, that ten years from now, our kids will be grown and gone and it will be JUST THE TWO OF US. We keep reconnecting, communicating, practicing for the day when there will be no more distractions and we HAVE to--I mean, we GET to live together alone. As much as I'll miss my kids, I think it will be fun! :)

  • At Thursday, April 20, 2006 5:13:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Interesting.....because I, too, have been thinking that in the near future.....the kids will be gone and it will be just June and I. Small things creep up....and I wonder if we will still be in love. I wonder what we will say to each other when we no longer have the kids to talk about (daily).


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