Counseling Session...unknown number...will it ever end?
This time, however, he seemed to understand that I was really in need of some counsel of my own (it could have been the lack of eating thing--that always seems to be an indicator that I'm freaking out). Darrin sat quietly and let me talk. I told Therapist about the stress I felt when I presented my topic on same-gender attraction at the stake leadership meeting. Therapist makes me laugh--he was so happy! He said the fact that I would allow that many people to know about my abuse was a huge step (especially since two months ago I told him I wouldn't tell anyone else because I didn't want anyone to know). He says that means I'm becoming more comfortable with myself and my past, and that's a good thing. He was also ecstatic that the SGA issue was being introduced with love in our stake--and mentioned the irony that I was presenting, but no one knew I was speaking from experience. That's okay--it's not time for anyone to know yet.
We talked about my tentative plans to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family--which would mean contact with my cousin for the first time in 16 years. Therapist said we could work on preparing for that meeting, but in his mind it was a little soon. Then he added, "But you keep surprising me. You're about as gutsy as they come." Good. It's about time I showed a little courage. I've been afraid for most all my life.
Therapist asked how my research into pedophiles went. I began to tell him all that I found. His eyes got large. He asked, "How many days did you spend on this?" Many, that's for sure. At least a week. He said he hadn't intended that I do such an in-depth research project. I asked him if he remembered who I was...he laughed. I'm not capable of just "looking". I have to learn everything I can. I explained how what I learned had been so upsetting. He mentioned I'd lost more weight. Yes, it's difficult to eat when physically ill. He asked if I'd been able to make the parallels between my treatment, and that of a victim of a pedophile. I had. We talked about how most victims of pedophilia who experience the extent of abuse that I have, are usually killed. Somedays I view those who have died as very lucky. Therapist says I need to view my life as a blessing. It's not easy to do that.
I told Therapist how I had been talking to a number of friends about the abuse--more than I ever have before. I told him how one friend had helped me understand that my cousin didn't love me (thanks TB), and while that was terribly hurtful, it was also liberating in some way. I told him how another friend reiterated that I could make it through this, that he loved me, that the atonement could help me heal (thanks AtP). I told him how others were just supportive and wonderful, letting me talk, helping me feel supported and loved (thanks AO, Tito, -L-, and others who have emailed and chatted with me). My therapist told me that he believes that I have had people placed in my life to help me every step of the way as I work through all that has happened. I know he's right--so to everyone in my life, online and off--I just have to thank you, and tell you I love you for any help I may have received from you, intentional or not.
1. Eat daily.
2. Now that I have figured out how to emotionally separate myself from my cousin, I have to figure out how to accept him back--in a way that God would condone. I said, "I don't know how to do that." Therapist said, "I suggest you ask the Lord. I think He'll have some good ideas for you."
I'm working on the first thing. Some days I can, some days I can't. I haven't begun the second. I'm a little overwhelmed by it--no, actually, I'm a lot overwhelmed by it, stressed out by it--I hate it. It's been a rough week. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask the Lord. I don't want to do my assigment. I'm frustrated and sad. I hope I can find the courage to try. I'm not terrifically courageous or strong right now. Ugh--I hate this.