Airports

I love airports. I don't know why. They make me feel different. Perhaps it's knowing that there are thousands of people sitting in terminals and concourses who will soon be sitting in the air, flying to thousands of different destinations...it's sort of amazing. Or maybe it's the lure of escalators, treadways, and elevators (although I skip elevators whenever possible). I'm not sure. One thing I know, however, is that I seem to lose a bit of propriety when I'm in an airport, and my resident irreverence and warped sense of humor gain strength the longer I have to wait for a flight. This began in my college days when the Salt Lake airport had a huge stone map of the world on the floor. I have no idea if it's still there (I haven't been to that airport for years), but we (my home evening brothers, roommates, and I) would sometimes spend a Saturday there playing Risk with the very large gameboard. We would play for hours, quietly, until an argument over Mongolia or Afghanistan broke out and we were asked by uniformed officials politely, but firmly, to leave. Ah, memories...

Darrin and I were looking at the equipment on the runway today--all those ladders--how fun!! And I really want to drive one of those luggage tractor things. I also want to ride in the baggage wagon. There were some yellow equipment things that looked like torpedo launchers--dying to play with that one. Also, there were some awesome red lines dividing a yellow semi-circle into six triangular sections, perfect for a game similar to foursquare--or sixtriangle, as the case may be. Anyway, fun at the airport, and when I got bored I called AtP--which didn't turn out to be much fun because he was still asleep. Bummer.

Things to do on the airplane:
1. Fold the barf bag into origami shapes.
2. Decide the sexual orientation of fellow passengers as they board. Astound your spouse with your knowledge, and if he questions your gaydar, ask the passengers point blank whether or not they're gay--my score today 98% correct.
3. Laugh at people boarding the plane who have food on the corners of their mouths. This is not rude because there is such a device as the rarely used napkin. People should use them.
4. Rate the quality and appearance of the many yamicas surrounding you.
5. Try to find scratch paper on which to make a list of airport things to do. Give up and unfold an origami barf bag to write on.
6. Give yourself a pedicure in the tiny bathroom.
7. Play Red Light/Green Light with the bathroom occupation light indicator.
8. Notice people who look like Elvis impersonators. Ask them if they would like to sing everyone a song.
9. Ask the flight attendant if she will share her bag of Whoppers.
10. When the flight attendant walks by, say, "Hi! How are ya!" several times. She'll like this since she says it to every passenger who boards the plane.
11. Ask for more barf bags. Display origami on fold-down table.
12. Laugh at large, bald guy wearing Princess Leia headphones because he looks funny.
13. Ask red-haired guy if he cut out and ironed on the 3-D birds on his t-shirt all by himself.
14. Tell Darrin that he does not qualify as a passenger travelling with a small child (actions are not indicative of age).
15. Decide how many women are wearing fake tan on their legs--don't keep looking at their legs.
16. Play the ABC game with the seat designations--scream in frustration when you get to F because there are no more seats letters.
17. Read the seat display words: Awindow, Bcenter, Caisle, Daisle, Ecenter, Fwindow. Keep reading the words out loud until Darrin asks you to stop.
18. Ask the person with bad breath to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. This will extend the Red Light/Green Light game.
19. Pretend you know ASL and stand up and sign during the scary "in case we crash" lecture given at the beginning of the flight.
20. Put complimentary peanuts up your nose. See how far they fly when you sneeze. Involve fellow passengers in a contest to see who can achieve the greatest distance.
21. Sleep.

Darrin loves to travel alone with me. I know this because he kept saying, "I'm so glad our kids aren't here right now." Not sure why he was doing the eye-rolling thing, though. Maybe he was airsick. He never really complains, though. What a trooper.