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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Be my Savior, and I'll be your downfall...

Samantha:
Something weird...
I feel normal
Why is it weird to feel normal?

MF:
because normal isn't so normal anymore

Samantha:
So--if I let go of all the past crap--who will be left?

MF:
good question?

Samantha:
You have to still be my friend, even when I'm not conflicted, confused and bizarre anymore.
It's not a choice--I'm not letting go.

MF:
heehee of course!
I don't think I will either

Samantha:
Okay.
Because I think maybe I'm ready to live again, and that's really scary

MF:
that's huge! but exciting!

Samantha:
you can't laugh at me, but I'm stupid crying right now.

MF:
i'm not laughing

Samantha:
and I don't know why

MF:
why are you crying?

Samantha:
:)

MF:
oh, nix my question then...

Samantha:
because I'm scared?
Happy?
sad?

MF:
all of the above, add one part stitched up thumb, blend on high for thirty seconds

Samantha:
Sorry--I should do this in private.

MF:
you can do it on my chat screen
you just know that I won't have very helpful responses to what you're writing

Samantha:
I guess I just feel bad putting you in one of those awkward situations--I didn't know this would happen.

This is a stupid question, and we both know the answer--but I want to have it reinforced--the atonement can help me through this, right?

MF:
yes
it's really amazing what the atonement can get us through

Samantha:
All the things my cousin did to me--the atonement can make it right--right?

MF:
of course, it's the only thing that WILL make it right

Samantha:
And that space inside me, the one I wanted to fill with love for the cousin who doesn't love me, I can give that to someone else--yes?

MF:
yes--there are so many who'll easily reciprocate that love if you choose to give it to them

Samantha:
Okay--thanks. Last question...
Am I ever going to stop crying?

MF:
most likely no, but the reason for the tears will change

Samantha:
I feel really bad that this happened right now--although I'm really glad I wasn't alone.

MF:
hug


Samantha:
Okay, I'm better.

MF:
you are?
that was fast

Samantha:
Well, I'm not crying helplessly anymore--that's definitely better.

MF:
:-D
i love you

Samantha:
I love you, too. Thanks.


I think, after all these months, after talking about it, after thinking forever, finally, I'm ready to give up the person I've been for almost my entire life. It scares me to death. It makes me feel a little sick, and I wonder if I'm afraid to be happy. Or maybe I'm just afraid that I'll lay everything on the alter and someone will tell me it's too much, or I'm not worthy, or maybe Christ doesn't love me quite as much as I love him...

Regardless of the outcome, I think the time is here. I'm finally ready to find out what is true. I'd love some extra prayers from anyone out there who feels even a little bit interested. Can I ask for that? Well, I am.

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