Amazing Friend: Who are you, Sam? At this moment, who are you?
Samantha: Ugh, I hate that question.
AF: I'm asking it anyway.
Sam: I don't even know how to answer.
AF: You're my friend. You're a human being who is, I feel, frightened still. You're confused, yet you still love.
Sam: You know, there may be something about love that I'm missing...I thought, I really thought my cousin loved me.
AF: He didn't love you. He used you. He used you when you couldn't resist him.
Sam: Do you remember when I said, a million years ago, that I couldn't imagine anyone not loving me?
AF: Yes. It was yesterday. ;)
Sam: I've never thought about him not loving me. No one's ever said that to me.
AF: Even if he thought he did, he didn't. Would you ever treat someone that way that you loved? Ever?
Sam: I wouldn't treat someone I hated in that way.
AF: He's offensive on every level. To treat someone like that, anyone, but especially someone I care about and then call it love...damn him
Sam: When you wrote that he didn't love me, it felt like someone kicked me in the gut.
AF: I'm sorry. Truly I am. But I don't want you to ever think that he did. That can't be love.
Sam: AF--how stupid am I? I've never, in all these years made this connection.
AF: You're not stupid at all. He influenced you at a very young age.
Sam: Okay, I have to say this; realizing that he couldn't have loved me hurts like hell; knowing that he didn't love me makes me feel relieved. I don't even know what I'm saying--thank you for saying what you did. I really think part of my problem has been that I can't seem to conciously hurt people I love--and part of me loves him. He was my friend. I looked up to him.
AF: Yes, I can see that. But he misused your love. He made it part of his attack.
Sam: There's so much of me that's lost.
AF: If it's lost, it's because he stole it. But Sam, there's so much of you that is intact, too. Things he can't take.
Sam: I know it's stupid, but I really want that little girl back--without any of the knowledge she should never have had in the first place.
AF: :) I want you to have her back, too.
I beg forgiveness of the sweet friend who had this conversation with me today. But I have to post this because in spite of the obvious nature of our discussion, I had an amazing "ahah!!" moment. I loved my cousin. I loved him. I loved him. I loved him. I can't stop thinking about it.
I thought my cousin loved me. I was certain that he loved me. I knew that he loved me. He loved me, I was sure of it.
Today I heard the truth for the first time in my life. It hurt more than anything I can describe. My cousin did not love me. There was no love involved in anything he did. He was not my friend. He set me up, betrayed me and used me. He did not love me. He didn't love me.
My head has known this for many years. For some reason, my heart has wanted my abuser's love. I don't know why this is. I have no understanding of it. Perhaps, if he did love me, there would be one redeeming thing in the ugliness he created. Perhaps if he did love me, I wouldn't feel that there was so much pain in being used and discarded. But the truth is, he didn't. He doesn't. And no one has ever said that to me before.
I know this is obvious to anyone on the outside looking in. When I tell Darrin about it, he'll say, "Well, yeah, of course he didn't love you." But Darrin didn't say it. When it comes to my past abuse, I'm still eleven--I'm still a kid. I don't understand much of anything, and I need it all spelled out for me. Perhaps that's why Therapist keeps telling me to talk with anyone strong enough to stomach it. Because each time I do, I learn something new--anyone else would say, "Well....duh..." and I know it's probably obvious to everyone else--but it's not obvious to me. I need it said. I need to hear it.
Amazing Friend is not a fan of my blog--he has very good taste. I don't know if he'll see this post. But publicly, with all my heart, I thank him for saying what I've needed to hear for many years. My cousin did not love me. There is freedom in that. And the wonderful thing about all this is, the person who has helped to set me free, does love me. There is healing in that.
What does all this mean? I have no idea. I only know that tonight my burden feels lighter, and I am incredibly grateful for the friends and loved ones who bless my life.