We must not study ourselves while having an experience.
I have so much to learn. This is exhausting.
In my life I have been emotionally intimate with exactly one person. I think I'm beginning to let others come closer, but just when I think I'm really doing well, letting people know what I'm thinking, sharing joys and sadness, etc., I'm also realizing that if I'm not the one in control I fall completely apart, feel afraid and unsafe, and I want to run away. This is not emotional intimacy--there is no sharing involved in this--it's just me posturing about what a great job I'm doing in the "allow myself to be vulnerable" area--which is a big lie because I'm not.
Ugh. I don't know how this works. Help me out here, please. How do you allow people to know you, all of you, without feeling like you might throw up? How do you accept help and care without freaking out because maybe you might appear weak? How do you know when someone is safe? I'm not getting this at all...
I have to see Therapist in two weeks. I haven't finished my assignments yet. He wants me to come this week but I said no. My dad tattled to Therapist and said I'm having more than normal emotional distress--is there a time when one stops being a child? I don't want to talk to Therapist yet. I'm still thinking. I want to hear what other people have to say. I want more opinions.
By the way, someone told me at the Matis FHE that he'd heard I don't like it when people comment on my blog. I'm guessing the rumor got started because I probably said something like, "I don't like it when people comment on my blog." It was a lie. I really do want to hear what anyone has to say about emotional intimacy--and I'm hoping for various opinions and ideas to sift through and think about.
Help me? Please?