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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

We must not study ourselves while having an experience.

Yeah, I'm still reading Nietzsche. Not that I agree with all that he says, but I love the things he makes me think about when I am both agreeing and disagreeing with him.

I have so much to learn. This is exhausting.

In my life I have been emotionally intimate with exactly one person. I think I'm beginning to let others come closer, but just when I think I'm really doing well, letting people know what I'm thinking, sharing joys and sadness, etc., I'm also realizing that if I'm not the one in control I fall completely apart, feel afraid and unsafe, and I want to run away. This is not emotional intimacy--there is no sharing involved in this--it's just me posturing about what a great job I'm doing in the "allow myself to be vulnerable" area--which is a big lie because I'm not.

Ugh. I don't know how this works. Help me out here, please. How do you allow people to know you, all of you, without feeling like you might throw up? How do you accept help and care without freaking out because maybe you might appear weak? How do you know when someone is safe? I'm not getting this at all...

I have to see Therapist in two weeks. I haven't finished my assignments yet. He wants me to come this week but I said no. My dad tattled to Therapist and said I'm having more than normal emotional distress--is there a time when one stops being a child? I don't want to talk to Therapist yet. I'm still thinking. I want to hear what other people have to say. I want more opinions.

By the way, someone told me at the Matis FHE that he'd heard I don't like it when people comment on my blog. I'm guessing the rumor got started because I probably said something like, "I don't like it when people comment on my blog." It was a lie. I really do want to hear what anyone has to say about emotional intimacy--and I'm hoping for various opinions and ideas to sift through and think about.

Help me? Please?


  • At Sunday, April 15, 2007 10:35:00 PM, Blogger Stephalumpagus said…

    I think a lot of people struggle with emotional intimacy. I know I do. I hate it when people see my weaknesses, and a lot of times that prevents me from asking for help when I need it. It also prevents me from being completely honest.

    I've thought a lot about how I could fix this...Blogging has really helped because I've allowed myself to be more personal, even though my blog identity is not super anonymous.

    I think I open up best to people 1)after I've done my own thinking, 2)when I know I would do the same for the other person, 3)when they gently insist that I should talk, and 4) when I believe that talking to them will calm me and make me feel better. How one achieves that...well...I don't know. Maybe that happens when I have already made myself vulnerable to someone and they were able to help. I'm more likely to open up again to that person.

    Anyway, I still have problems with it, so I don't know how much my advice was worth. And this is getting to be a blog in itself, so I will go away and wish you luck with this. :)

  • At Monday, April 16, 2007 8:08:00 AM, Blogger salad said…

    I struggle with letting people see all of who I am as well. I haven't had anything particular in my life contribute to that, but I am intensely aware of appearing weak and unable to do things for myself. I HATE letting people do things for me and help me because I want to prove that I'm perfectly capable of doing them myself.

    I have no idea what a solution to the problem is other than to try and come to the realization that those who offer help and support love you and only want what's best for you. When Drex offers to help me with something it takes all I have to let him help sometimes--a good portion of the time he just takes over and pushes me away because he knows me well enough to know that I'll push myself to the limit.

    I hope you're able to find a balance to make things work better. Thanks for giving me time to do some questioning and discovering of myself.

  • At Monday, April 16, 2007 8:45:00 AM, Blogger Stephen said…

    Therapy is pretty much always nice. If you don't have everything figured out, that's all the better. That's what the therapist is there for, and s/he's happy to help you work through whatever.

    As for whether people ever stop being children? Nope.

  • At Monday, April 16, 2007 9:22:00 AM, Blogger drex said…

    To a large degree, I think one's willingness to open up to others is specific to their personality and their experience. It's a hard thing to force comfort with a naturally uncomfortable situation. And it's hard to pass on how I do it, because I have a knack for knowing who I can trust with what. Basically if someone cares for the sake of caring - for love and genuine concern - it's not hard for me to share. And honestly, the more you are able to share with an individual, even if it's uncomfortable at first, the easier it becomes. You build a relationship of trust. As you trust someone with more intimate details about who you are, and see that they neither cringe and shy away from you nor run away, you realize that they have a nonjudgmental understanding, and that you can trust them a little bit deeper.

    I think that's why blogging and therapy help a lot of people. The anonymity of the internet allow you to let go a little bit more, because you're telling a faceless group. And in the Mohosphere you can generally count on fairly nonjudgmental folk. With a therapist, you have someone who has likely heard worse cases and is there to help, and despite your connection and/or emotional investment, the therapist is still a professional whose opinions don't really influence your interactions with other people. At least not in the same way.

  • At Monday, April 16, 2007 10:08:00 AM, Blogger Tolkien Boy said…

    Emotional intimacy is the process of not apologizing for being human.

    Um, sorry for being so brief.

    (As you can see, it can sometimes be a long process.

  • At Monday, April 16, 2007 10:09:00 AM, Blogger Tolkien Boy said…

    /close parenthesis

    (I seem determined to prove this theory!)

  • At Wednesday, April 18, 2007 9:06:00 AM, Blogger ambrosia ananas said…

    Ditto what stephalumpagus said. I think most of us struggle with it. I find it easiest to be emotionally intimate with people when they're not threatening, they genuinely care about me, I feel connected to them (or able to relate to them), and they're willing to not only listen but also share their feelings.


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