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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Monday

It's late and I should be sleeping. My brain won't stop thinking. Today I was chatting with a friend who brought up a subject that normally doesn't bother me. For me, it has direct reference to my experience with sexual abuse, but in the past I've been able to navigate it clinically. Today, I was overwhelmed with sadness, sudden and intense, and I felt as though that friend was knowingly and blithely rubbing salt into my open wound. He wasn't. I felt betrayed and hurt anyway.

I am angry that my past continues to insinuate itself into my everyday life. I want it gone.

Someday I will sleep without schooling my thoughts or avoiding nightmares.
Someday I will talk about anything, without associating any subject with my past.
Someday I will trust even if it means I might get hurt, because that's what human beings do, and I am human.
Someday I will eat normally.
Someday I will run because I enjoy it, not because it keeps me from thinking.
Someday I will no longer resent the things I will never experience because my innocence was taken from me.
Someday I will love without reservation.
Someday I will no longer be afraid to live.

But tonight, I just wish I could get over the feeling that I was used today. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just sleep.

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