Monday

It's late and I should be sleeping. My brain won't stop thinking. Today I was chatting with a friend who brought up a subject that normally doesn't bother me. For me, it has direct reference to my experience with sexual abuse, but in the past I've been able to navigate it clinically. Today, I was overwhelmed with sadness, sudden and intense, and I felt as though that friend was knowingly and blithely rubbing salt into my open wound. He wasn't. I felt betrayed and hurt anyway.

I am angry that my past continues to insinuate itself into my everyday life. I want it gone.

Someday I will sleep without schooling my thoughts or avoiding nightmares.
Someday I will talk about anything, without associating any subject with my past.
Someday I will trust even if it means I might get hurt, because that's what human beings do, and I am human.
Someday I will eat normally.
Someday I will run because I enjoy it, not because it keeps me from thinking.
Someday I will no longer resent the things I will never experience because my innocence was taken from me.
Someday I will love without reservation.
Someday I will no longer be afraid to live.

But tonight, I just wish I could get over the feeling that I was used today. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just sleep.