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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tuesday

It has been just over a week since I started sleeping well. I suppose it's silly to believe there will be no relapses. However, if I want something desperately enough, I generally disregard all reason in an effort to make it become true, especially if it's all in my mind. I'm not naive, just obstinate. I have insisted on believing that once I was able to gain some control over my dreams they would never trouble me again. This is problematic for a few reasons:

1. I have not yet been able to navigate my dreams solely on my own--aggravating, but true. I've tried to go solo with no success, but at some point I have to be able to change the outcomes by myself.

2. The memories are now firmly entrenched in my mind and insert themselves randomly, unbidden, in my daily thoughts. I don't know how I can expect to control those memories at night when I can't seem to keep them at bay when I'm conscious. Frustrating.

3. I suppose the biggest problem is that the dreams are my reality. I can't say much about this because it makes me feel like I might explode. I don't want the dreams. I don't want the reality. There is nothing I can do about it...but when I gain superpowers, one of those will be to remove this part of me. And please don't say anything about how it's made me a better, stronger person, it's a part of me, and everyone has a cross to bear. There are many crosses which, in my opinion, should never have to be borne. I suppose that's why I'll never be "super". God knows I'd remove my own cross, delete my own past, and actually live.

Last night Darrin suggested I go to bed at a reasonable hour (10:30 p.m.). So I did. I was asleep almost immediately. Right away, as if it had been lying in wait, the dream began. I used all my methods to direct and control it. I thought I was having some success because the dream was definetely changing. It became bigger, more frightening. My cousin, who until now has been mostly faceless and expressionless, became an interactive being. I have often been able to remove myself from the situation, and while I was still forced to watch, I was able to be separate from the actual experience. Last night I could not separate, and endured every second of what was forced on me once again--but it seemed so much more angry and brutal. I felt a pressing need to die, something I've not recognized in the dreams before.

Darrin woke me before the dream had run it's course. Not even 30 minutes had elapsed since I had fallen asleep. I heard him say, "Sam, wake up. It's okay. You're okay." But he's wrong. I'm not okay. I woke with a terrifying need to apologize to him for the simple fact that I exist. I'm sorry, Darrin, that I can't make this go away. I'm sorry that I asked you to go through all the stuff that exists because of messed-up me. I'm sorry that I can't shove everything under the rug anymore. I'm sorry that I can't sleep, that I keep having nightmares. I'm sorry, Darrin, that I live. I'm so sorry.

I didn't say it. And Darrin mumbled something about oranges as he went back to sleep.

The most horrible aspect of the nightmares is that in the aftermath I am overwhelmed with loneliness, sadness, and utter despair. I watched Darrin sleep for a long time, fighting the urge to wake him, to ask him to hold me. To tell me again that I'm okay in spite of the fact that I feel I will never be okay. I walked upstairs to my daughter's bedroom and looked carefully at the almost 12-year-old Tabitha, who is similar in size to young Samantha. I wanted to understand how someone could look at me and enact the things I had just seen in my sleep. She looked innocent and beautiful...did I not look the same?

Sometime after midnight I went back to bed. I did the careful visualizations I've worked on for the past three months. It seemed easier this time. When I went to sleep I wasn't alone. This time when the dream came I was successful at its direction, and once again I dreamed about being asleep, protected and loved. The only problem is, it's not real.

3 Comments:

  • At Tuesday, January 30, 2007 7:39:00 PM, Blogger Kengo Biddles said…

    Sam, I don't think it's a bad thing to ask Darrin to hold you. While my nightmares don't hold a candle to yours, it's helpful to have Miki hold me after them. I'm sure Darrin, who we all know loves you very much would hold you.

    What a trial you're facing right now. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I know many are doing already. ;)

     
  • At Wednesday, January 31, 2007 9:20:00 AM, Blogger Elbow said…

    In all honesty, the work you are doing on yourself sounds amazing. I have seen your progress, and from my view you are a superstar!

    The road is hard. I know because I'm there with you, but I want you to know that I see so many postitive sides of you that radiate brilliantly!

     
  • At Friday, February 02, 2007 4:26:00 PM, Blogger G'pa Bob said…

    The dream of being loved, protected, and asleep is real, Samantha.

    It is as real as any other person's dream for the future. Why should one person's dream not count when everyone else's does. Why should everyone else's dream have the possibility of coming true and not yours?

    All my love, prayers, and good wishes.

     

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