I'm in love with Dave Barry. This fixation has been brewing for many years, but I'm finally able to admit to myself that he occupies a special place in my heart. There are several reasons for my enamored state, but as I'm breaking this to you gently, I will cite only the basics. I am not planning to leave and pursue him, but I may daydream about him occasionally, especially when the speakers in Sacrament Meeting do not adequately prepare their talks, when you're watching car auctions or sports shows on television, or when I'm having insomnia at 3:00 a.m. You'll notice that I'm trying to include you in my love-fest, since I presented you with the Dave Barry Daily Desk Calendar for your Christmas gift this year. My love affair is not sexual in nature (sigh...it never is...), but these are the reasons I adore the newest object of my affections:
1. I think he understands you in a way that I never will. Read this, for example:
"Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?" -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"See? Now, instead of shaking my head and wondering if I'll ever "get it," I have the comfort of knowing there's another person in the world who understands everything I'm thinking, and the trepidation I feel when you find another gadget you want. I will never forget our first day of marriage, in our first apartment, when you spent four hours playing with our new toaster--trying to make it "better." It was an omen.
2. Dave Barry understands my hatred of wrapping gifts. Granted, his view is slanted in an exclusively masculine direction, but I'm used to being a lone female in a male dominated setting. I can't count the times I've gone to dinner with groups of men and no other women. And I'm perfectly comfortable with that, which may have something to do with a complete lack of sexual tension or my inability to sense it. However, I have never had the knack of wrapping a beautiful gift, nor have I seen the logic in that since the beauty will be destroyed in order to get to the loot inside. This is one more topic on which my mother and I agree to disagree. She's all about the visual tantalization--I like to cut to the chase, which is why my children will agree that the best gifts come wrapped in the bag from the store in which they were purchased. They have no other choice because they really have no basis of comparison. However, I do have to say, that AtP made my day last Christmas, when he told me he thought the ribbon I used on his gift (yes, I actually wrapped it) was pretty. So perhaps there is some basis for a well-wrapped present, if only to inspire a compliment on the wrapper's taste in ribbon choice.
3. Dave Barry has a blog. You know what that does to me. And I know you have one, as well, but I've read all of yours. Dave's is extensive. And he actually adds to it. Regularly. Often. Sometimes more than once a day (blogwhore). I can't help it...few things make my heart beat faster than a fellow blogwhore, especially one who makes me laugh (a very easy thing to do, as you know). I'll try to keep my adoration under control...it would help if you'd get a little more excited about writing in your own blog...when you do that the sexual attraction factor multiplies exponentially...truly...I'm not kidding...and you have to admit that for people like us--that's a really good thing...
Okay, there's a slight problem with my fixation with Dave. He's old enough to be my father. And I don't think he'll go skydiving with me (but neither will you, which is why I have a date to recreate in the clouds with AnotherOther and -L-). And he's married to a sportswriter (although they've been married ten years fewer than we have), and I can't compete with that. I couldn't write an accurate sports column to save my life--but I could probably write an entertaining one--does that count? But he does have hair, which is quite an accomplishment for an old guy. Oh yeah, so does my dad. So perhaps I'll just have to throw myself behind Dave's campaign for president, and forget about romantic entanglements.
Politics, though...that's kind of a turn on...I may have to keep daydreaming after all...