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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Strength and Weakness

This is something I've been thinking about for the past year. There is no question that my perceptions of myself are distinctly different from the perceptions about me, held by others. Part of that is my fault--I've learned to present myself in the way I feel will be most acceptable and admirable, even if it isn't a strictly honest presentation. No one needs to know the things that make me feel inadequate, and in a business setting, they shouldn't know those things. That's just bad business acumen.

Here, however, I've worked on being honest and presenting a true picture of me, largely because I need to see it, myself.

As I've watched myself relive my past in my dreams each night, the dread has increased, my fatigue is becoming intolerable, and the pain and loneliness are overwhelming. And so today, I add one more piece to the picture.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of sleep, of life, of my cousin, of myself...

I'm tired. I'm losing the desire and ability to keep trying. I feel like something inside me is going to break...something important is dying.

I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by people who love me. But that little girl is begging for someone to save her. I've tried to direct the dream so that I tell my cousin to leave before he hurts me. I've had no success. Deep inside, I want protection, and somehow, I don't feel I can protect myself--and yet, I'm one of the most capable people I know.

I'm sad. I watch each night as I am molested in various ways, and above all else I know that I, Samantha Stevens, have no importance to the person hurting me. He does not perceive me as having any worth. And no one comes to my rescue. And while I understand that no one really could (it's hard to come to the rescue when you have no idea someone needs help), it still makes me horribly, overwhelmingly sad.

So today, as I meet with clients and assure them of my expertise in tax advice, as I teach their children the gospel, as I lecture passionately about playing a particular musical passage with just the right nuance...in the back of my mind I see myself: afraid, tired, lonely, sad, and desperately needing something. I wish I knew what.

1 Comments:

  • At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 6:20:00 PM, Blogger agirlwho said…

    I am so sorry to hear about your suffering. I don't know the horrors of abuse. It must be an incredible frustrating thing to be hurt and have the pain continue long after. I guess one of the only things that is consoling is that the Savior knows exactly how you feel. He experienced that pain just as you did. It might not be possible at this point in your life to rid yourself of the scars of what happened, but he promises us that we will all be healed. You seem like a wonderful person and I have enjoyed reading your blog.

     

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