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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Weird

I used to believe that allowing myself to express the negative, self-centered feelings in my life was counter-productive. I felt that it was wallowing in self-pity, and that to allow acknowledgement of those feelings meant that they would become larger and consume me. What I have found, in the past few months, is that each time I let the ugliness out, the confusion in my life becomes clearer, and inevitably, I discover truths previously hidden or unrecognized.

One of the complexities with which I struggle is that what I know in my head is strongly contradicted by my heart. I continuously fight to believe that the things I have lived through are not reflected in who I am--that I am more than the acts forced upon me. Every once in a while, however, I write something and I realize that I really do believe it.

"Today I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized how very much I still hate my physical self. I took a good look at my face -- it doesn't look beautiful to me, only sad, haunted. The rest of me looks very female. I thought how self-destructive it is for me to associate with friends who find my body as much of an anathema as I do. I wonder if I have sought them out because they reaffirm that I should not love that part of me. They justify my hatred of my physical body--for they dislike it as much as I do. Perhaps that's not fair. No one has expressed that. It is my assumption drawn from listening to general comments made by my friends about the bodies of women. And I am a woman."

I adore those friends. I love them with all my heart. And I'm very aware that the female parts of me, the parts I despise, are also despised by my friends. Is that the kinship I feel in our friendship? A shared hatred of me? It's no more twisted and bizarre than the fact that, although I hate those physical aspects of me, I am attracted to them in other women. It doesn't make sense, and yet it is so. And when I am with those friends, I feel at home, at ease, and infinitely aware that I hate my body--and justified by their shared distaste of me.

I know. This is too weird for words. It's freakishly wrong. It's also very true, and I don't know how to change it. This will be a good one to discuss with Therapist.

6 Comments:

  • At Friday, October 20, 2006 7:03:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I, for one, have no feelings of distaste for your body. Just because I don't find a person's body to be sexually attractive doesn't mean that I don't find it to be beautiful. It sounds almost as if you are equating sexual appeal with value.

    And while you are truly beautiful in every sense of the word, I find elderly bodies and ill bodies to be strangely magnificent and beautiful as well. But that's just the doc coming out, I suppose.

     
  • At Saturday, October 21, 2006 8:15:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Sorry, -L-, if you found my musing offensive--you wouldn't be the first, without doubt you won't be the last.

    It's certainly true that my assumptions are based on my own ideas of other people's feelings. And while I understand, inherently, how sexual attraction is different from an appreciation of beauty, I have, perhaps, been involved in one too many conversations about the frightening quality of a woman's anatomy.

    Regardless, I appreciate your comment.

     
  • At Saturday, October 21, 2006 10:54:00 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Do you think your friends hate all women's bodies in general, or yours in particular? And yeah - ARE you equating sexual appeal with value (or at least the opposite: no sexual appeal = disgust)? I'm not clear about that (not that I need to be - it's YOUR blog). I'm with -L- on this one - I find LOTS of bodies beautiful without being sexually attracted to them.

     
  • At Saturday, October 21, 2006 12:22:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Given my past, it's difficult for me to know what my belief system is when it comes to physical attraction versus physical beauty. So I can't answer the question. I wish I could.

     
  • At Sunday, October 22, 2006 10:30:00 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    That makes sense. I was just unclear about how you were coming to the conclusion that they hate your body, but I guess maybe you're confused about it, too.

    PS - I know I don't know you - AT ALL - so please let me know if my comments are really too personal, or just unwanted. Really - I have NO sense of subtlety, so you'd have to tell me.

     
  • At Sunday, October 22, 2006 11:57:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Rebecca, with no sense of subtlety, I think you and Sam will get along just fine. ;-)

    Sam, I'm not offended in the least. You'll have to try much harder than that.

    I really think the guys you're talking about may overstate their disgust. People find lots of personal hygiene and bathroom activities to be disgusting, but they aren't really. It's just private and unsanitary. But it's life. Sexual attraction allows a person to forget about a lot of those nasties, so when the attraction isn't there it may lead to overstating the distaste.

    Just thinking out loud.

     

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