Just me, venting again
The last week became increasingly more difficult daily, which aggravated me because I had friends coming, and didn't want to be bothered with such a stupid problem. I hate the fact that when stress in my life increases, I channel it into my lame eating disorder. It sucks that I'm able to do so many things in my life (and some I do very well), but I can't get a handle on something so basic that toddlers understand it inside and out.
I think I'm in a good place, that things are going well, that I'm figuring out what to do to make my life better...then everything starts to ache again, and I find myself wondering why... why can't I let go of the past? why do I cling to those things that happened so long ago? why did my cousin, the first David, want to hurt me? why can't I just forget? why do I have to know about all the different ways one can misuse God's procreative gift--the one that's supposed to bring joy?
I think my head is going to explode.
Today I looked at myself in the mirror. I realized how very much I still hate my physical self. I took a good look at my face -- it doesn't look beautiful to me, only sad, haunted. The rest of me looks very female. I thought how self-destructive it is for me to associate with friends who find my body as much of an anathema as I do. I wonder if I have sought them out because they reaffirm that I should not love that part of me. They justify my hatred of my physical body--for they dislike it as much as I do. Perhaps that's not fair. No one has expressed that. It is my assumption drawn from listening to general comments made by my friends about the bodies of women. And I am a woman.
I see Therapist tomorrow. It has become my lifeline. I ate my last meal Monday morning. I'm going to try to forget all that's bothering me and try to eat today. I want to be able to tell Therapist I'm doing well...
What's up with that???? Why don't I tell my therapist I feel like crap? Who am I trying to protect here?
There is something inside me that makes me feel as if everything I do, every life I touch, every person with whom I come in contact, is tainted. I have defiled them in some way. I should remind them as they come near me, "...touch not the evil gift, nor the unclean thing..." I feel I have to protect everyone...from me. Even Therapist. That's so freakishly stupid. How can he help me, if I won't let him? How can I protect people from myself?
It's all wrong today--everything in my head.
Some sweet friends, ones I love with all my heart, told me yesterday that they loved me. Darrin tells me daily, several times during the day, that he loves me. There is a loud voice inside me screaming that I don't deserve their love, I'll never deserve any love, and that I am hurting them by loving them back. I want the voice to stop. It makes me tired.
I need to make it through today. I see Therapist tomorrow. Someday, I want to stop needing him. I hate the fact that I need him now. I need to make it through today...