Wednesday

"Jesus Christ came to bring beauty for ashes," Professor Robert Millet said, "to replace distress with comfort, worry with peace, turmoil with rest. The Good Shepherd came…to right all the terrible wrongs of this life, to fix the unfixable, to repair the irreparable. He came to heal us by his tender touch, to still the storms of our startled hearts. Again, he came to replace ashes with beauty… Each one of us needs to know—needs the conviction, deep down in our souls—that our Master is not an absentee Landlord, not a distant Deity. He is 'touched with the feeling of our infirmities' (Hebrews 4:15), knows from firsthand experience all about our pains, our afflictions, our temptations (Alma 7:11-12), and thereby understands 'the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted' (D&C 62:1)."

A very wise, sweet friend sent me this quote yesterday. I'm working on remembering that I believe it. Deep inside me, I really feel that something is wrong with me if I can't fix myself. My logical mind tells me that eating disorders are stupid. It tells me that in order to get better, I simply have to start eating. It focuses on the external manifestation, not the internal problem, because it's not certain exactly what the internal problem is. And, truthfully, I'm mortified that someone as well-educated as I, can be troubled by something so...what??? I can't even describe the disgust I feel as I succomb to my physical need to cope.

As I read the words of this quote, I wonder why I lack the faith to believe that Christ can not only help me now, but the Lord can help me find the strength to get the help I need. It seems that my spiritual strength wanes with my phyiscal well-being. The two, spiritual/physical are intertwined, and as much as I might desire it, I can't separate them. As of now, I don't know when my counselor will see me. He said he was trying to make room for an emergency visit. I told him I didn't think that was necessary--this isn't really an emergency. He didn't answer me.

So today I'm trying to find the trust necessary to let Christ shoulder some of my burden. It isn't easy, especially because I'm so ashamed of that burden. I want to hide it--to hide FROM it. I can't decide whether to curl up and weep, or to go outside and run till I can't run anymore. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury to work this one out. I have to go to work. I have a young friend in need. I have three children who want to play. I have laundry to fold, furniture to dust, a garden to weed, and bills to pay. Life is going on without me.