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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


"Jesus Christ came to bring beauty for ashes," Professor Robert Millet said, "to replace distress with comfort, worry with peace, turmoil with rest. The Good Shepherd came…to right all the terrible wrongs of this life, to fix the unfixable, to repair the irreparable. He came to heal us by his tender touch, to still the storms of our startled hearts. Again, he came to replace ashes with beauty… Each one of us needs to know—needs the conviction, deep down in our souls—that our Master is not an absentee Landlord, not a distant Deity. He is 'touched with the feeling of our infirmities' (Hebrews 4:15), knows from firsthand experience all about our pains, our afflictions, our temptations (Alma 7:11-12), and thereby understands 'the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted' (D&C 62:1)."

A very wise, sweet friend sent me this quote yesterday. I'm working on remembering that I believe it. Deep inside me, I really feel that something is wrong with me if I can't fix myself. My logical mind tells me that eating disorders are stupid. It tells me that in order to get better, I simply have to start eating. It focuses on the external manifestation, not the internal problem, because it's not certain exactly what the internal problem is. And, truthfully, I'm mortified that someone as well-educated as I, can be troubled by something so...what??? I can't even describe the disgust I feel as I succomb to my physical need to cope.

As I read the words of this quote, I wonder why I lack the faith to believe that Christ can not only help me now, but the Lord can help me find the strength to get the help I need. It seems that my spiritual strength wanes with my phyiscal well-being. The two, spiritual/physical are intertwined, and as much as I might desire it, I can't separate them. As of now, I don't know when my counselor will see me. He said he was trying to make room for an emergency visit. I told him I didn't think that was necessary--this isn't really an emergency. He didn't answer me.

So today I'm trying to find the trust necessary to let Christ shoulder some of my burden. It isn't easy, especially because I'm so ashamed of that burden. I want to hide it--to hide FROM it. I can't decide whether to curl up and weep, or to go outside and run till I can't run anymore. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury to work this one out. I have to go to work. I have a young friend in need. I have three children who want to play. I have laundry to fold, furniture to dust, a garden to weed, and bills to pay. Life is going on without me.


  • At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 7:55:00 PM, Blogger -L- said…

    Sam, thanks so much for the example you set of looking to the Savior. I know that the solutions to all my problems will eventually come from the Savior, but I'm not quite faithful enough to really believe it deep down at the present moment. I hate to even say that, but my actions testify against me (ie. I don't read my scriptures and pray like I should).

    Your post also reminded me about the paradox of mental health issues. Throughout medical school it has struck me--why couldn't someone as brilliant as John Nash figure out that the hallucinations were not real? Why couldn't his cognitive abilities trump the schizophrenia? Another one is stroke victims that have "neglect" of one side of the world. If you have a massive stroke in the right temporal lobe, you actually can see your own left arm and not think it's part of your own body. And apparently it's difficult to convince people otherwise even though their frontal lobe and cognitive function are intact.

    Anyway. You are a super smart person. But that doesn't solve your problems. I love you and hope you find solutions for them all in the Lord.

  • At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:55:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    If you were in my seminary class, I would give you treats to read your scriptures. Maybe you should come!

    I think you are suggesting that even though I understand the inherent dangers, I'm powerless at this time to fight the compulsion? So far, though, I can't seem to find a way past that obstacle. Maybe my new therapist can help me work a miracle--I understand he specializes in patients with eating disorders. After all, it's all in my head, right? "What's madness but nobility of soul
    At odds with circumstance?"

    Thanks for your words, for your encouragement. It's hard to stay hopeful right now, but I'm trying. "I know the purity of pure despair..."

    I'm praying that these words will be true for me: "In a dark time, the eye begins to see..."

    By the way, my word verification says: ickvtt. I think I like that word, and I need to use it often :).


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