Peeking Out of the Closet

I wrote the post below about four months ago. I didn't post it because I didn't want to see it on my blog. I suppose, in my own way, I hoped that in writing it, I could resolve some of the conflict I feel about my nature. It didn't help.

A couple of months ago, because they were asking questions, because I felt they deserved to have all the information about me, because I was seeing and speaking with their son on a regular basis, I told David's parents that I had experienced feelings of SSA in my life. I gave no details. I related no specifics. I hoped they would better understand my motivation in trying to help David through some really difficult times. I hoped they would be open-minded, accepting. I hoped it would be alright to allow someone besides my husband and David to see the complete Samantha--made up of the Entity and the child, who would finally be allowed to take a field trip out of the closet.

I'd like to say everything went as planned, acceptance was wonderfully immediate, and I have no regrets. I can't say that. I'd like to say I'm making plans to help the child stay visible, that she no longer lingers in the dark. I can't say that. I'd like to say I have hope for members of the church--hope that they can accept and love all people regardless of the burdens they carry. I can't say that. People are extremely complex, and I've learned one can never really predict the outcome of any situation.

The lonely child is back in the closet. The Entity is visible and incomplete. And I am left to battle my inner demons, still trying to resolve the issues that surround past abuse, still wondering if I'll ever want to eat again, and feeling, with growing certainty and dread, that there really is no help, no hope left for me.