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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

There are times when I think all the introspection, all the writing, and all the self-discovery were not worth it. There is a certain peace in refusing to look at ugly parts of oneself. There is a sort of wisdom in allowing oneself to live in denial.

The problem is that I see myself as normal. I know that's weird, because it should be perfectly obvious that "normal" is a fictitious state of being. Everyone carries some unique "non-normal" experience, habit, or character trait. But I still see myself as, "just like everyone else". I also understand that I'm the only person I know who sees me in that light. It doesn't change my perception.

So when I decided I was finally strong enough to confront the demons of my past, I though it would be a journey of, say, four to six weeks, and then I would be all better, and life would be grand. Yeah, pretty stupid. I admit it. I'm not sure why I thought everything could just go away in a matter of weeks, when it's been hanging around for years. Regardless, seven months later, I find myself with a number of issues that I will finally look at and address, which I suppose is a good thing, but life seemed so much simpler when I was pretending those things never happened.

An example of how I dealt with things a year ago: Memory surfaces--Waaahhhh!!! What was that???? Wait, I remember...yes, that happened. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore. It has no bearing on my life today. Memory is shoved back below the surface. Sam smiles and life continues.

An example of how I deal with things today: Memories no longer have to surface because Sam dwells on them pretty much every day. Blogging helps. Talking helps. Praying helps. But for the most part, everything seems raw and ugly and exposed. Acknowledging the past is supposed to be healthy--but it just seems to get in the way. Looking at it makes me shudder. But the frightening reality is that I HAVE to look, and it's not going away.

I suppose, as with all hurts, this, too will heal with time. I attempt to give it the first-aid necessary. I try to keep moving forward. But the impulse to push everthing away--to say, "This is over. This is ancient history. This is not important," is very strong. Still, after seven months of trying to resolve issues, I want to hide from them. I am still afraid.

I would like to wake up one morning, kiss my husband and kids, help everyone go to work/school, and have no other thoughts on my mind except that which I will do to make my home more beautiful (except I haven't got a clue how that works--I think you hang pictures or something), what I will make for dinner (this is something I CAN do well), what music I will practice, where I will go running, and what clients/students I will see throughout the day. That would really make me feel happy.

I was told that when I allowed myself to cry, I would begin even greater healing. I think, to some extent that's true. But it also increased the intense vulnerability I already feel, and my anxiety levels skyrocketed. "Tears are good." Both my bishop and my therapist have told me this. "Tears express a multitude of emotions. You have only allowed them to occur in times of high stress, anger, or frustration." That's true. Those would be the times I could no longer suppress them. "Tears can happen in times of great joy, empathy, sadness, and during laughter. Sometimes they can happen just because we're tired. Tears are a normal response to a variety of emotions and circumstances." Still trying to internalize that one. It may take more time, but I'm getting better at it, I think.

I suppose, in a way, this is my seven month evaluation. How far have I come? How have I changed? Do I want to continue? Well, I think I'm better at being real. I admit to myself that I can't do everything. I only answer the phone when I feel like talking. I allow certain people, sometimes, to see that my life isn't perfect and that sometimes I feel sad. Wow--not sure those are positives--but...maybe... I've accepted that my past is a part of who I am, and that the person I become must include that part of me. I've realized that ignoring things doesn't make them go away, nor does it make me a strong person--just a stupid person. Stupid, because ignoring issues makes them grow until they become unmanageable. Do I want to continue??? That's the big question. I'm not sure that what I want is important, because NO! I do not want to continue...but there seems to be no other option, and I know I can't go back.


  • At Tuesday, August 08, 2006 7:55:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    An unexamined life isn't worth living.

    During your flashback didn't mention "cutting." What drove you to it? What would happen to you if that would have continued.
    What about your eating disorder? What drove you to that? What will happen to you if that continues?

    Yes, there are some "negatives" to going forward BUT the "negatives" in denial are FAR greater.

    Onward Christain Soldier!

  • At Tuesday, August 08, 2006 1:15:00 PM, Blogger Elbow said…

    Thanks for that post and thanks for your comment.

    I did as you said. It's not as fun to have your link, but I understand.


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