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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, August 14, 2006


Today I was reading over some archival entries in my blog (I don't know why), and I noticed something. There were some times in the past six months when I felt attraction for my husband. STRONG attraction. Now this should have been a, "well, DUH!!" moment for me, since I'm the one who wrote the entries, but honestly, I was just recording data at the time--not analyzing it. As I read what I wrote a few months ago, I was amazed. I felt sexual urges for my husband while holding hands, in a movie theater, and several times at night. I initiated and experimented with sexual intimacy. I WANTED to make love with my husband.

I'm not sure what this means. I didn't even think about it at the time. I must have been caught up in the moment? But I think this is important. I write about not having to talk myself into foreplay--which I've had to do for most of my married life. I write about enjoying my husband, not resorting to fantasy, connecting with him physically and emotionally. How did I miss the significance of all this when I was experiencing it, when I was writing about it? Did it all happen so naturally, so normally, that I didn't think twice about it? Since I did record it, something must have registered, at least subconsciously, that this was remarkable? What was it that triggered those feelings? Why did they happen at that time? When I was writing about it, I think I linked the manifestation to successes in my therapy as I worked through abuse issues--but I'm not sure I agree with that analysis now. That doesn't make sense to me.

The intensity of those moments is no longer with me--perhaps it's being overshadowed by my preoccupation with the stress of trying to manage an eating disorder--or maybe it was evanescent and I will never experience it again. But for me, the important thing is that it HAPPENED!! And I actually documented it.

But I still don't know what this means.


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