Confused

Today I was reading over some archival entries in my blog (I don't know why), and I noticed something. There were some times in the past six months when I felt attraction for my husband. STRONG attraction. Now this should have been a, "well, DUH!!" moment for me, since I'm the one who wrote the entries, but honestly, I was just recording data at the time--not analyzing it. As I read what I wrote a few months ago, I was amazed. I felt sexual urges for my husband while holding hands, in a movie theater, and several times at night. I initiated and experimented with sexual intimacy. I WANTED to make love with my husband.

I'm not sure what this means. I didn't even think about it at the time. I must have been caught up in the moment? But I think this is important. I write about not having to talk myself into foreplay--which I've had to do for most of my married life. I write about enjoying my husband, not resorting to fantasy, connecting with him physically and emotionally. How did I miss the significance of all this when I was experiencing it, when I was writing about it? Did it all happen so naturally, so normally, that I didn't think twice about it? Since I did record it, something must have registered, at least subconsciously, that this was remarkable? What was it that triggered those feelings? Why did they happen at that time? When I was writing about it, I think I linked the manifestation to successes in my therapy as I worked through abuse issues--but I'm not sure I agree with that analysis now. That doesn't make sense to me.

The intensity of those moments is no longer with me--perhaps it's being overshadowed by my preoccupation with the stress of trying to manage an eating disorder--or maybe it was evanescent and I will never experience it again. But for me, the important thing is that it HAPPENED!! And I actually documented it.

But I still don't know what this means.