Hiding in the Closet
As a child I was deathly afraid of closets. Always, at night, the door needed to be closed. All manner of frightening entities lived there through my imagination. Formless, faceless monstrosities lurked in the dark...I'm not sure what, exactly, the menace was...I only knew I was afraid.
As an adult, the closet is still with me. But with my mature understanding, I know very well what makes me afraid. I have carefully constructed an Identity, which I present to all I know. The Identity goes to work, raises children, performs in public, and interacts with other adults in social situations. The Identity is strong and self-confident--and incomplete. Left behind, in the dark closet, is the child, still struggling to understand why she is there. The child feels keenly the pain of assumed rejection, misunderstanding, and prejudice. And with the innocence of childhood, the child believes that one day, she will be allowed out of the closet and welcomed into the light with open arms. This is not true, of course, but she is a child, and can be excused for such naivete.
Because the child has been in the closet for so long, it has become comfortable, familiar. She is a threat to the Identity, who wishes to keep the child entombed in the dark. The Identity understands that the child is unacceptable, and, if allowed outside, will not be embraced but ridiculed and destroyed. It is, simply put, safer for the child in the closet.
This would be a viable plan if it were not for the Problem. The Problem arises in the fact that the Entity is incomplete without the child. They have been separated for many years, and now long for a melding that will make them both whole. Being separate is exhausting. But the fear and insecurity involved in such a blending keeps it from taking place, and the child remains safely in the darkness.
The Problem looms larger as time passes. The child longs for escape. The Entity increases in conflict. Is resolution possible? I don't know. I just don't have any answers.
As an adult, the closet is still with me. But with my mature understanding, I know very well what makes me afraid. I have carefully constructed an Identity, which I present to all I know. The Identity goes to work, raises children, performs in public, and interacts with other adults in social situations. The Identity is strong and self-confident--and incomplete. Left behind, in the dark closet, is the child, still struggling to understand why she is there. The child feels keenly the pain of assumed rejection, misunderstanding, and prejudice. And with the innocence of childhood, the child believes that one day, she will be allowed out of the closet and welcomed into the light with open arms. This is not true, of course, but she is a child, and can be excused for such naivete.
Because the child has been in the closet for so long, it has become comfortable, familiar. She is a threat to the Identity, who wishes to keep the child entombed in the dark. The Identity understands that the child is unacceptable, and, if allowed outside, will not be embraced but ridiculed and destroyed. It is, simply put, safer for the child in the closet.
This would be a viable plan if it were not for the Problem. The Problem arises in the fact that the Entity is incomplete without the child. They have been separated for many years, and now long for a melding that will make them both whole. Being separate is exhausting. But the fear and insecurity involved in such a blending keeps it from taking place, and the child remains safely in the darkness.
The Problem looms larger as time passes. The child longs for escape. The Entity increases in conflict. Is resolution possible? I don't know. I just don't have any answers.
posted by Samantha @ 7:49 PM
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