Tuesday

I was awake before the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. I'd been laying in bed, wondering if I should just get up for over an hour. While Darrin got ready for work, I read scriptures, prayed, did my computer thing and went for a run. It's getting cooler each morning. I ran my six-mile circuit--then, knowing I probably shouldn't, I ran it again. It's becoming more and more difficult to stop running. I have so much peace when my body is in motion. I can think more clearly, and there's an incredible joy at being outside, alone. But I've been told running more than 8 miles, given my caloric intake, is excessive, and I'm trying to do as I'm told--trying to get healthy. Today I just needed that extra running time.

I went home and roused the sleepyhead kids. We worked on laundry--still catching up from our weekend, and did minor chores. Then they went to play tennis, while I worked. I've been working at home, because we're having trouble with our office computer. I do so much online work that I need a faster computer, so until the one in the office is replaced, I'll work at home. I had forgotten to turn off my chat windows--and some of my friends hit me immediately. Since I was gone last weekend, some of my young friends wanted to talk A LOT. Apparently, for a couple of them, they'd had some rough experiences (fights with parents, disagreements with friends, a little bit of boozing, all those normal teen things). I told them to be sure to keep talking to Mom and Dad, and to stop being stupid. Usually I say those things with love and tact, but I was supposed to be working, and I was tired, so I wasn't as kind as I normally am. One of them was a little miffed. She said it was her CHOICE if she wanted to go drinking with her friends. I told her, actually, that was true, but breaking the law (underage drinking) was pretty stupid, and if she intended to make any progress toward better grades next year, better family relationships, and more responsible behavior, her CHOICE needed to be to not drink. She signed off. She was the last straggler of my chat buddies, so I signed out of chat and got some REAL work done.

The kids came home for lunch and lounged in front of the TV for an hour. Then I took them with me to the store. I replenished our food supply while they shopped in the electronics department. We checked out, and I took them to ice cream. We sat and talked. DJ and Adam have made lists of the school clothes they want to buy. We'll shop for those this week. My boys seem ready to return to school this year--usually summer can't be long enough for them. Tabitha would live in year-round summer. She's not excited yet for school to start.

We went home and made dinner together. Darrin arrived just as we put it on the table--good timing. We finished dinner, played some family games, then threw everyone in bed. We have to start going to bed earlier, so we'll be regulated when school begins. DJ has early morning seminary, so he'll be getting up around 5:30 a.m. Tabitha and Adam can sleep later, but probably won't. We have about two weeks to get used to retiring and arising early. Otherwise that first week of school will be miserable.

Darrin and I went to bed early, but talked till around midnight. He's frustrated because I haven't been able to see my counselor yet. I'm coping as well as I know how, in the meantime, but it's not good enough for Darrin. He made some comment about "try harder." Yeah, that's probably all I need to do--problem solved. You know, I was blessed with above average intelligence. I understand that the feelings I'm having are not only bizarre, but probably evil, as well. I know that a REAL person does not hate his/her body. I know that the end results of not eating and excessive exercise are...not good. I know all this. But I feel powerless to stop anything. I listened to Darrin tell me about his frustration. I heard him say he doesn't understand why I just don't eat. I understood his feelings that I'm setting a bad example for our children. I felt numb and sad and totally defeated.

The first two lessons that I have to teach in my seminary class are on the Plan of Salvation. That should be interesting.