Foolish Traditions and Propaganda

I believe I'm finally at a place, emotionally, where I can talk about this without seeing myself as a total idiot. As a rule, I am not someone who buys into "mormonisms"--you know, the belief that a loaf of homemade bread and a casserole will cure cancer-- that if you have enough faith a total stranger will replace that car of yours which sits on the lawn with no engine-- that there is a ONE AND ONLY (and you pledged yourself to each other in the pre-earth life) for each person to marry--that every church speaker should begin with a stupid joke, a chronicle of how the bishop had to chase that person down in order to get him/her to talk, or an apology about how unprepared (s)he is (and I ask you--whose fault is that????)--or that homosexuals are "that way" because they choose to be, were fence-sitters in the pre-earth life, don't have enough faith to be "healed", or just haven't tried the other way--I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here, but please remember, this is MY blog and I can say whatever I want to. Anyway, I'm a cynic, and I don't believe most of what can't be backed up by scripture or a manifestation of the Holy Spirit. That's just who I am.

So the propaganda about accepting a calling, which I've been taught all my life, is this: You should always say yes. It might be difficult for you, but God will help you find a way. You owe so much to the Lord, that you MUST do whatever is asked of you. In doing so, your weaknesses will be made strong, you will be blessed abundantly, in short, you will become a sort of super-church calling-hero, if you only have enough faith to do what you were certainly foreordained to do, and probably agreed to and signed in the pre-earth contractual agreement. Also, there's a bit of a hint about temple covenants requiring us to serve wherever asked...

Now, I have to admit, I've pretty much accepted every calling I've been given. There was a time when I was called to be in the Primary Presidency right after I'd been put into the hospital to keep me in bedrest so my second baby would stay inside me until he reached 34 weeks. I said I'd do it, but since I'd be in the hospital indefinitely, I wasn't sure how much help I'd be (I was currently at 29 weeks). They asked someone else. There was the time when I was asked to serve on the Cub Scout committee when my daughter was five weeks old, just under five pounds, and in the hospital dying of RSV. I said they needed to talk to me when I knew whether or not I'd be planning a funeral or nursing a baby back to health. They chose someone else--oh yeah, and my daughter was released from the hospital about 10 days later. Yeah, I think those were callings of desperation, not inspiration, and somewhere along the line, the person approving the calls should have, perhaps checked on the status of the callee...just a personal opinion. And honestly, those types of things have been rare. For the most part, I've served willingly, wherever asked, and not really worried about whether or not I could do the things required. Somehow, I could.

My bishop believes that he needed to extend the RS calling to me, so I would have to address the fact that I'm still struggling with the resolution of my eating disorder. I'm having a hard time accepting that. I think a visit from an angel would be more believable (no, I'm not serious). And as much as I would like to say that I feel my bishop was out of line to ask me to serve in that capacity, knowing the emotional stress I've been under, knowing my commitment to teach seminary this year, knowing my husband is a bishop of another ward, knowing I'm mentally unbalanced (WHAT WAS HE THINKING?????), in spite of all that, I find myself still falling victim to the false doctrines preached by self-righteous, non-sinning saints. The fictitious tenets which say that if I'd been worthy, if I had enough faith, if I was truly committed, if I really loved God, if I was humble, if I was righteous...well, I just would have thrown caution to the wind and said, "YES! I'll do it or die trying (and, truthfully, death would have been a real possiblity, considering that I stopped eating after the call was extended), and the Lord will make certain that I succeed!!!"

Okay, that last paragraph is just stupid. Unfortunately, because of my background, because of the ingrained teachings and traditions I've lived with throughout mortality, part of me believes all that crap. And I'm left feeling guilty, knowing I've fallen short, wishing I could overcome something that is eating me alive, wanting to give my life to God...but knowing that if I do it in this way, I may meet Him in person a whole lot sooner than I'd planned.

Mental anguish sucks.