Saturday

I think, if we're judged based on our desires here on earth, that I'm destined for a life in hell. I base that assumption on my ability to have desires for things I understand are REALLY BAD FOR ME. I know I shouldn't want them--but I do.

I've talked about being addicted to the euphoria that comes when I don't eat. Last night it kicked in full force. And I felt horribly guilty. I also felt enormous relief, light-headedness, and incredible strength. Did I mention I felt really guilty, as well?

I was chaperoning a regional youth dance when the feeling began. I ran on adrenalin for three hours, went home and crashed. Darrin made me some soup and insisted I eat it. For him, I did. No more euphoria. And I want it so badly...

My only hope is that when I'm judged, someone will remember that even though I wanted things that felt really good, but were really bad--I also loved lots of people with all my heart. I hope someone will remember that even though I couldn't always resist harming myself, I tried so hard to be a good mom. I hope someone will remember that even though I wasn't always successful, I tried to follow Christ--to let him lead me in my life--and I loved him, too. Is there enough good to balance the bad? Does it matter in the end?

I'm praying for a miracle. I'm praying that somehow I can figure out how to stop wanting my own personal high. I'm praying that my new therapist, whom my doctor and husband believe will work miracles with me, can somehow help me understand how to end this cycle. I'm praying that I can be forgiven for abusing myself, and that someday I'll understand why I feel I must do so. Yeah, a miracle would be very helpful--soon.

The lesson I have to teach tomorrow is about "Personal Purity Through Self-Discipline." There is a large amount of hypocrisy in my life right now.