Every once in awhile there is a day when everything seems to fit, life is good, and my whole life seems to relax. Today was one of those days.
I think one thing that has helped is that Darrin and I have been able to talk openly about the problems I've been encountering in our lovemaking, and simply knowing that he knows, and cares is an amazing relief. As we make love, Darrin talks to me, making sure I'm still with him, that I'm not afraid or sad, that every step is in my control. As a result--no more tears, and very little frustration. This has really helped me feel like less of a freak, and much more like a real person. And how can I help but feel valued, as he takes the time to make certain our experience together is "safe", for want of a better word, which is exactly what I need right now.
Last night I had Darrin read my post about my body. I felt like he needed to understand the feelings I've been experiencing, because they seem to be getting larger, less manageable, and I'm a little afraid of them. He didn't say much, just hugged me. Again, knowing that he knows and cares is a relief.
We had only been asleep for a couple of hours when the dreaded stomach flu hit our daughter. She was up most of the night, very ill. She's a great patient, though. She takes care of herself. I asked if she needed me, but she waved me away. When finished worshipping the porcelain god, she made herself a bed near the bathroom, got a big bowel (just in case), brushed her teeth and told me to go to bed. She was up several more times, so Darrin and I didn't get much sleep.
Amazingly, though, at 5:30, I was wide awake. I did my morning devotional, then I blogged a bit, chatted a bit, answered email, then went for a run. It was so beautiful this morning--the temperature was in the 50's, which was perfect. When I got home, my friend from across the street was waiting for me. We walk after I run in the mornings. We walked four miles, talking the whole time. I love visiting with her.
Tabitha was up when I got home. DJ was at my brother's house babysitting his nephews, and Adam was playing computer games. I made Adam shower (I did the same), then we did our daily chores. DJ got home and the my kids and I sat and chatted about life, school (coming in three weeks), our last vacation trip, everything. Even Tabitha roused herself enough to talk with us. I LOVE my kids.
DJ wanted to go to the library, so he left on his bike. I sent Tabitha to the shower, and Adam and I left to get invalid food for her. When we got home, Tabitha had made herself the obligatory jello water, and was feeling better. She drank some gatorade, ate some soda crackers, and went to sleep.
I worked for a few hours, then Adam and I made a traditional Italian dish my in-laws taught me to love, beef steak pizzaiola, using oregano and basil from my garden. Adam ate more herbs than we put in the steak, and smelled like pizza the rest of the day. While we waited for the meat to cook (it takes about three hours), we made biscotti, and watched cartoons together. Then we made a spinach salad (his choice) and I let him cut the french bread with our electric knife--nothing like using gadgets to make a guy happy!
Tabitha roused herself to eat a little pasta and bread, then went to bed for the night. Adam and DJ stayed up and watched Star Gate with Darrin, while I surfed blogs and did more research for work.
I'm not sure why I felt so much peace today. Maybe because I was just at home, being with my kids. I worked at home today, as well. Maybe it's because my stress about my intimacy with Darrin has relaxed. Maybe it was walking and talking with my friend. Maybe it was chatting with online friends. Maybe time is helping me heal.
All I know is that I felt really happy today, and it was wonderful.