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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Counseling 2, Session 1,
Let's try this again and see
if we can get it right this time.

I hate counseling, therapy, psyche evaluations, and any other kind of inner probing.

That being said, this session was relatively painless. My new therapist is a man. For me, that's slightly problematic. I don't know why.

For the most part the session dealt in generalities. I made general statements about the fact that I was abused. He asked general questions about my desire to live. I made general statements about my quality of life. He asked general questions about my self-esteem. I told him, "I am one of the most capable people I know." I figured false modesty wouldn't be helpful. He just as well know now that I'm an unapologetic ego-maniac. He tried to ascertain my career. I told him I was a musician, tax-preparer, financial consultant. He asked me to define musician. I told him that this year it meant I taught piano lessons in my studio, was guest lecturing for six weeks in the "Historical piano literature" class at the university, was the rehearsal conductor/oboist for the Messiah orchestra, and the assistant coordinator of the RACE piano exams. He asked if it was stressful to juggle all those things. I said it was more stressful to not have enough to do--it only takes about 45 minutes to clean a house.

We moved to church involvement. He said he assumed, since my husband was a bishop, that I was active. I said I was. He asked what my calling was. I told him I was Laurel Advisor and that I'd begin teaching early morning seminary in a couple of weeks. He asked if I ever got tired. I said, sometimes.

He told me Darrin had said he was concerned that I was running so much. I said I didn't think that was a real problem. I usually only ran about seven miles at a time.

He asked what caused me stress. I told him, not being able to eat, not understanding why my brain thinks stupid things about my body, knowing I was abused but not understanding why, and having to buy smaller clothes. He asked why buying smaller clothes made me stressed--besides the expense. I told him it meant that I was smaller, and I don't like, misses clothes are sized in even numbers from size 0 up to 150 (actually, I have no idea what the largest size is). I'm wearing a 4 now. That only leaves two smaller sizes. That's not a lot of leeway, and I DON'T want to get any smaller. Smaller means less able to defend myself--and I hate that.

He told me he wouldn't focus on whether or not I was eating (YAY!! no more food journal). He said my disorder was not typical, and he felt it was more a defensive reaction to an emotional confusion, than an actual disorder which would be based in the need to lose weight in order to control one's environment. Whatever...I don't want to think about whether or not I'm typical.

I'm thinking about telling him about my SSA when we meet next. I haven't decided if it's pertinent. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about having a male counselor. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about having a counselor who is also David's. That's creepy. In his last e-mail, David said, "I find it hilarious (you have rubbed off on me so much! I never would have thought this funny before I knew you!) that we have the same counselor. It's not hilarious, it's just...odd. And coincidental. And kind of cool." What a weird person he is. He's seventeen--I'll forgive his weirdness.

My counselor said one of the things we have to decide is whether probing the past is healthy or whether it exacerbates the current problem. In essence, if remembering causes more pain than healing. And he sort of gave me permission to forget, if we felt that would be more helpful to my situation. Amazingly, I felt relieved.


  • At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 8:40:00 PM, Blogger White Man Retarded said…

    Isn't life weird? I went to counseling twice and everything was boiled down to me not liking my mother. Hmmm...I think it's a lot more involved than that but whatever. I had the typical "I can never be perfect enough Mormon" blues. I like your posts; I found your site through attempting the path.

  • At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 10:55:00 PM, Blogger Silus Grok said…

    Good luck!

    And since I'm new to your blog: who's David?

  • At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 11:24:00 AM, Blogger AttemptingthePath said…

    i swear I commented on this one...


  • At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 11:43:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    What did you say in your comment?

  • At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 12:00:00 PM, Blogger -L- said…

    David having the same counselor wouldn't bother me. How would you feel about sharing your counselor with your gay ex-partner (with both of you now working toward reinstating your church membership). I don't think I would care, but nobody has commented.

    I think the SSA may or may not be relevant. To the extent your case is atypical, I would say get it out there as one more puzzle piece. But only if you're comfortable with it. I think I'm more comfortable in spilling my guts to a counselor (in select situations) than others.

  • At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 4:02:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Actually, I think I DID comment--but he has moderation on, so it doesn't show up.

    I really could go to the same counselor as an ex-. It wouldn't bother me.

    I know...weird...

  • At Thursday, August 24, 2006 9:57:00 AM, Blogger Unusual Dude said…

    OK samantha, this comment has nothing to do about your post per se, but I've just finished reading a lot about you (it takes TIME to read these blogs that I have only just recently discovered) and I just have to say this: I think you are one amazing woman.

  • At Thursday, August 24, 2006 11:58:00 AM, Blogger Th. said…


    I'm usually uncharacteristically stupified when I come to your blog, left with nothing to say, but this time I have a little, and that is this:

    It seems like this counselor will be a good match for you. He seems less preprogrammed than some of the other folk you've mentioned and so more likely to find helpful paths. Good luck here.

  • At Thursday, August 24, 2006 1:42:00 PM, Blogger Loyalist (with defects) said…

    Like UnusualDude, its taken some time to read through your blog. I'm glad to have met you - even if its anonymously on the web.

    You have such strength.

  • At Thursday, August 24, 2006 4:31:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    U-Dude: Wow! Thanks!!

    Th.: I hope you're right about the counselor. Thanks for the good wishes. And I can't imagine you speechless about anything--surely you could chant or something...

    Loyalist: Good to meet you, as well.

    ATP: You still didn't restate your comment, and I SO love hearing from you (was that nurturing enough?).


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