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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Whining, Sniveling, and Feeling Sorry For Myself

Okay, I just have to say that today was being REALLY HAPPY for me, because my kids got home from New York, and we've been talking and playing and hugging--and then my bishop called.

So I told him, no, I can't be the RS President. So, of course, he asked why. So I said Darrin doesn't want me to. So he asked why. So I said because I was irresponsible, derelict and unstable. So he asked me to elaborate. So I had to tell him that this is day four of not eating, and Darrin made me promise not to run this morning because I have this uncontrollable shaking thing going on, and I just think taking a major calling when I'm falling apart is a bad idea. So he said he agreed, and that I should thank my husband and look on this as a wake-up call that I'm not "better", and I should get some help. So, thank you, bishop, for stating the obvious.

And I just have to say--THIS ISN'T SOMETHING I'M CHOOSING TO DO!!!!!!! I don't know why looking at food makes me want to gag. I don't know why I want so badly to feel that feeling that has come--I feel strong, in control, capable of anything--and the whole time my hands shake and there's this instability about the firmament beneath my feet. I don't know why, suddenly, death seems a viable option. I don't know why...anything...

I'm going to bed. Darrin insists that things will be better in the morning. I hope so. Right now I really hate myself.


  • At Tuesday, July 25, 2006 6:59:00 AM, Blogger Elbow said…

    When I read what you write, I feel this softness from you, this very tender place in your personage that is really special. Even though you are a strong woman, and a very independent person, you have a warm peice of you that is infectious. It breaks my heart to see you this way.

    I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I'm sorry that you are not eating. Of course it's not something you are chosing to do, because if you could make it would.

    I know that you are aware of this, but getting right now is mandatory. Someone who hasn't eaten for 4 days is actually suppose to go to the emergency room to immediately try to remedy the problem.

    I'm glad you didn't go running today. Stop running away from yourself! Sit down, don't write, don't think...just breathe if it's for only ten minutes.

    I'm praying for you.

  • At Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:40:00 PM, Blogger AttemptingthePath said…

    Wow, elbow hit it right on the head. he's got talent.

    we're here for you!

  • At Tuesday, July 25, 2006 5:31:00 PM, Blogger -L- said…

    Get the hell to a doctor.

    Plus, I love you.

  • At Tuesday, July 25, 2006 8:49:00 PM, Blogger Tolkien Boy said…

    It's been a really shaky time for me, too. I've found that I can find a middle place and calm down somewhat, but things don't really get better, just calmer.

    In the end, my shaky time was only a couple of weeks. Hopefully, yours is much shorter.

  • At Wednesday, July 26, 2006 6:27:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I think you KNOW what to do.
    You KNOW what needs to happen.

    Are you really sparing anyone the struggles you face alone....inside?
    Are you being brave?
    Are you being selfish?
    Are you making the ultimate sacrafice?
    Are you making good/sound choices?
    Are you making yourself out to be a martyr?

    I hope you know you are surrounded by people who love and care about you.....both, in person and in cyberspace.

    I am one of those people, commenting out of love and concern.

  • At Wednesday, July 26, 2006 9:31:00 AM, Blogger That One Guy said…

    Ward is right hon, you shouldn't be suffering like this.

    Get thee to a doc.

    Please. For you, for yours. You can't ALWAYS fix yourself.


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